Here's a reason I hate soccer. I will watch 85 out of the 90 minutes. The five minutes i get up to get something to eat, i miss the goal. Happens everytime.
I met a guy at the gym a week ago. Wow...that did not sound good. What I mean is that there is a guy who i was spotting at the gym today and I come to find out that he is a personal trainer. He seemed to know what he was talking about as far as weight lifting and nutrition went, so he's gonna be helping me out for a while. Get a good routine going, eat right, get proper form. So I'm excited about that, I think. my lowest weight is 163 now, though it's hard to maintain weight during the summer with all the sweating...hm....I'll do what I can.
OK. So neither of those reasons are why I hate my life. And I realize that I have A LOT to be thankful for, but I guess I am currently in a fragile state right now. And the only reason I have the "courage" to open up like this is because I can pretend I am just writing to myself, even though it's open for the whole world to see. I was talking to a friend last night and reminded myself of something while talking to this person. 1) I'm currently trying to avoid and escape life. I sleep a lot or I watch a lot of tv just to distract me so I can make it through another day. It's a 2-d life. One that does not seem very real or "alive." However, it's less painful. I escape my emotions at all cost. 2) It also reminded me how fake I have been. I have always been real and genuine and honest. However, in order to make it so people don't get sick of talking to me, I pretend to be happy. I'm trying to write about happier things and fake myself into a state of happiness. I am not going to do something to harm myself in any way, so no worries there. But in all honesty, I have times where I just don't care to be alive. How can I try to live a full life as God intended when I am just trying to survive?
I also am getting the impression I should just resign myself to being single. I am losing hope and can't seem to trust in Him.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Words cannot be found
Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
Searching for answers while the dancers dance and the prancers prance
Guys telling lies just to get in her pants
While their wives at home dare to take their own lives
It’s all a game of fame for their own great name
You breed for your seed but have no courage to lead
You’re a dad, take a stand, rise up, be a man!
Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
The Lord of Power, my Strong Tower has left me feeling sour for more than an hour
No Light to give me sight so I can stay in this fight
Gettin’ beat up beat down beat all around
I groan and bemoan another night all alone
When I wake I shake at the thought of how I’ll make it
Fake it? ...For goodness sake, I need a break
I don’t feel alive, I’m just trying to survive...
Searching for answers while the dancers dance and the prancers prance
Guys telling lies just to get in her pants
While their wives at home dare to take their own lives
It’s all a game of fame for their own great name
You breed for your seed but have no courage to lead
You’re a dad, take a stand, rise up, be a man!
Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
The Lord of Power, my Strong Tower has left me feeling sour for more than an hour
No Light to give me sight so I can stay in this fight
Gettin’ beat up beat down beat all around
I groan and bemoan another night all alone
When I wake I shake at the thought of how I’ll make it
Fake it? ...For goodness sake, I need a break
I don’t feel alive, I’m just trying to survive...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
circumventing
As usual, this will be a whole bunch of non-linear thoughts because...well, that's just how my brain has been working lately.
My most hated movie line (from the movie Match Point): The innocent are sometimes slain to make way for grander schemes. You were collateral damage.
I heard reports of a centipede in my apartment that crawled it's way out from under the futon in the kitchen. Needless to say I spent half the night turning furniture over to make sure that there were no more centipedes in the apartment. I didn't want any rude awakening in the middle of the night. I also happened to cross paths with one HUGE ant...I'm pretty sure it could have taken me.
At about midnight I walked through downtown Salem and down some less populated streets as well. What in the world was I thinking? Skinny goofy looking white kid should not be walking alone in the middle of Salem in the middle of the night. Yikes.
I think I need to start listening to my gut more than my head.
I used to smile a lot more. I think I used to be happier. Circumstances probably weren't better in my life, but I was happier. Now it seems the best I can do is just let out a half-smile so that people won't be concerned that something must be wrong.
I remember my first year of college. One night, my girlfriend called and broke up with me over the phone. Throughout the semester, the guys on my floor helped me through it. I mean, they were guys being guys, they weren't counseling me, but even that really helped a lot. I think it was just the fact that I had a group of guys that I was getting closer to that I could spend time with and goof off with. Just by having friends to hang out with I was able to take my mind off of my problems. They made me sit through a movie called, "Swingers." These guys help their friend get back "into the circuit" right after his girlfriend breaks up with him and he thinks his life is over. I've been thinking about how my friends freshman year brought me back to a place where I didn't think my life was over. At the time, I didn't realize how blessed I was to have them. What a blessing friends are! I've been blessed with great friends at different times in my life. The problem with meeting new friends is that it's not easy...yet, so simple! When you have great friends or you have a boy/girl friend, you probably weren't out looking for these people. You didn't go out with the intent to find these people. Finding your mate often happens naturally and that is the case with friends as well. It's hard to do something about being lonely, because friends usually "just happen" when you are living your life. My problem is I am having difficulty really living my life. This past weekend I slept a total of 24 hours in a 48 hour period. Someone's not motivated.
My most hated movie line (from the movie Match Point): The innocent are sometimes slain to make way for grander schemes. You were collateral damage.
I heard reports of a centipede in my apartment that crawled it's way out from under the futon in the kitchen. Needless to say I spent half the night turning furniture over to make sure that there were no more centipedes in the apartment. I didn't want any rude awakening in the middle of the night. I also happened to cross paths with one HUGE ant...I'm pretty sure it could have taken me.
At about midnight I walked through downtown Salem and down some less populated streets as well. What in the world was I thinking? Skinny goofy looking white kid should not be walking alone in the middle of Salem in the middle of the night. Yikes.
I think I need to start listening to my gut more than my head.
I used to smile a lot more. I think I used to be happier. Circumstances probably weren't better in my life, but I was happier. Now it seems the best I can do is just let out a half-smile so that people won't be concerned that something must be wrong.
I remember my first year of college. One night, my girlfriend called and broke up with me over the phone. Throughout the semester, the guys on my floor helped me through it. I mean, they were guys being guys, they weren't counseling me, but even that really helped a lot. I think it was just the fact that I had a group of guys that I was getting closer to that I could spend time with and goof off with. Just by having friends to hang out with I was able to take my mind off of my problems. They made me sit through a movie called, "Swingers." These guys help their friend get back "into the circuit" right after his girlfriend breaks up with him and he thinks his life is over. I've been thinking about how my friends freshman year brought me back to a place where I didn't think my life was over. At the time, I didn't realize how blessed I was to have them. What a blessing friends are! I've been blessed with great friends at different times in my life. The problem with meeting new friends is that it's not easy...yet, so simple! When you have great friends or you have a boy/girl friend, you probably weren't out looking for these people. You didn't go out with the intent to find these people. Finding your mate often happens naturally and that is the case with friends as well. It's hard to do something about being lonely, because friends usually "just happen" when you are living your life. My problem is I am having difficulty really living my life. This past weekend I slept a total of 24 hours in a 48 hour period. Someone's not motivated.
Monday, May 29, 2006
from safe-mode to drinking songs to drinking mode
I'm in safe-mode in my life right now. Planning my life, staying with a good job that will provide flexibility while I get my Master's of Divinity Degree. Staying in this area for seminary, my job, and my parents. Safe isn't bad, it's probably very wise right now. Yet, there is a part in me that is longing for adventure. It longs for travel, it longs for nature, it longs for something different. My heart is growing colder and harder to the things of the Spirit instead of more sensitive. That is kind of scary to me.
I used to never care what people thought of me and that was an attractive quality that I had. I care more now, and I'm not sure why. I wonder what has changed. If it has been my focus and goals in life or what is most imortant to me or my perspective of life and people in general.
OK. You know how Christian music takes mainstream music genres and just adds Christian lyrics to them? You know what I mean. There's "Christian" Rock, "Christian" Rap, "Christian" pop. Well, while driving back to my apartment tonight, a great thought occurred to me. There should be "Christian" Irish Drinking Songs! That's right. You heard it here first folks. Steal my idea and either suffer my wrath or give me 50% of the profits. You know what kind of songs that I do like? No? Let me tell you. I really like those Irish/Celtic folk songs. I can't describe it any better than that.
There's something about a girl who smells good...
I had a busy weekend. I drove into boston to see X-men 3. I enjoyed the drive, I enjoyed being in boston and the company I was with, but the movie was eh. I didn't have a problem finding the movie theatre, but my return trip home was not without some mistakes. I had a difficult time trying to find my car in the parking lot and then I made a couple of wrong turns (1 into a bad part of boston). I didn't make it back to my apartment until 4am (movie started at 12:01am). The problem was that I needed to eat more food to get some more calories into my tiny body, so to keep me entertained I watched another movie and didn't get to sleep until 6am. The following morning, 24 hours later, I had to be up at 6am in order to make it to a wedding in N.Y. It was a nice wedding. The girl getting married was a girl that I was quite fond of for four years in college, so it had the possibility of being quite awkward. As truth would have it, I was just very happy for her and that was the extent of my emotions about it. It seems like I spend a lot of time thinking of my parents when I'm at weddings. I spend time thinking of how much I wish they could share in that experience with me (at my wedding). I very much enjoyed catching up with two guy friends I had from college while at the wedding. These two friends and I decided to take it upon ourselves to make sure that we, at least, were properly "equipped" for the reception. The wedding had good food, but no alcohol. A Christian wedding with no alcohol! That's heretical! Yet, we later found out that there was a bar downstairs, so all was well in the world.
I used to never care what people thought of me and that was an attractive quality that I had. I care more now, and I'm not sure why. I wonder what has changed. If it has been my focus and goals in life or what is most imortant to me or my perspective of life and people in general.
OK. You know how Christian music takes mainstream music genres and just adds Christian lyrics to them? You know what I mean. There's "Christian" Rock, "Christian" Rap, "Christian" pop. Well, while driving back to my apartment tonight, a great thought occurred to me. There should be "Christian" Irish Drinking Songs! That's right. You heard it here first folks. Steal my idea and either suffer my wrath or give me 50% of the profits. You know what kind of songs that I do like? No? Let me tell you. I really like those Irish/Celtic folk songs. I can't describe it any better than that.
There's something about a girl who smells good...
I had a busy weekend. I drove into boston to see X-men 3. I enjoyed the drive, I enjoyed being in boston and the company I was with, but the movie was eh. I didn't have a problem finding the movie theatre, but my return trip home was not without some mistakes. I had a difficult time trying to find my car in the parking lot and then I made a couple of wrong turns (1 into a bad part of boston). I didn't make it back to my apartment until 4am (movie started at 12:01am). The problem was that I needed to eat more food to get some more calories into my tiny body, so to keep me entertained I watched another movie and didn't get to sleep until 6am. The following morning, 24 hours later, I had to be up at 6am in order to make it to a wedding in N.Y. It was a nice wedding. The girl getting married was a girl that I was quite fond of for four years in college, so it had the possibility of being quite awkward. As truth would have it, I was just very happy for her and that was the extent of my emotions about it. It seems like I spend a lot of time thinking of my parents when I'm at weddings. I spend time thinking of how much I wish they could share in that experience with me (at my wedding). I very much enjoyed catching up with two guy friends I had from college while at the wedding. These two friends and I decided to take it upon ourselves to make sure that we, at least, were properly "equipped" for the reception. The wedding had good food, but no alcohol. A Christian wedding with no alcohol! That's heretical! Yet, we later found out that there was a bar downstairs, so all was well in the world.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Mourning into dancing?
There are people dying, people very very sick, people without two pennies (wow I am glad I read this over before posting it) to rub together (by the way, if one had two pennies, why would they spend their time rubbing them together...it doesn't make sense...unless they are trying to cause friction to produce heat! I'm a certified genius). So, what do i have to complain about? I have a lot to be thankful for, yet still I feel miserable. Perhaps I am a little spoiled. I confess that to be a possibility. I just don't know how to get over this "feeling." I know how I should feel and what I should do and that I shouldn't focus on the negative, but really just focus on whatever it is that my life is supossed to be about. With that perspective, i must actually be feeling really well...right? I went to work for a couple hours today, then to the gym, then to play a round of golf (in a very muddy, wet course...it was a lot of fun!), then out to eat at 99, then to the beach, then to my apartment. I am trying...I really am! I'm trying to go out and not just sit in my room. I'm trying to be around people. I'm trying to research some different groups so that perhaps I could get involved with some like minded people. So far things just aren't going that well. I like having my alone time, but when I do EVERYTHING alone, it gets depressing. People are wired differently and I am wired in such a manner that I don't function well that way. I am trying to spend time with others, but that does not by default cure loneliness. It just cures isolation. Sometimes loneliness is magnified when NOT in isolation, which i don't understand.
When I got to my apartment after my eventful day, I was welcomed by a large group of college aged kids who were having a loud party downstairs. I remembered my college days when I could fit 10 of my closest friends all in a room and play games. I thought of how to include myself in their party when I realized that I could not possibly conceive of a way to pull that off and not make it the most awkard thing in the world for everyone involved. My roommate, whom I don't see except on the weekends when his girlfriend is over, was in his room spending some time with his special lady friend. I think they were watching a movie, and I would have liked to have watched it with them, but they were definitely sending out the "do not disturb" vibe.
I know everyone says that you can't compare people's problems. "The grass is always greener on the other side" and the magnitude of problems are really "in the eye of the beholder" (or perhaps the bearer of the problem). Everyone says they know how i feel, but you don't. I don't know how you feel. However, the nagging, constant ache in one's heart...in my heart, due to loneliness is becoming overwhelming. It reveals itself the most in not having a girlfriend to really share my life with and with whom I can lavish my love on. In the past few weeks, I realized that a wife can understand who you are and know more about you than anyone else in the world...and still can't fully know you. As Donald Miller says in Blue Like Jazz, "there's some places only God can go." Seeing it from that light gave me a healthier perspective on marriage, and yet made me long for it all the more. I expect life to be much more difficult with a wife and with children. However, more fulfilling and rich as well. Being able to pour your life loving your family is one of the greatest blessings we have and best examples of the heart and intimacy of God. That life with be much more challenging, but deep in my soul, I long to fight and be a warrior for the heart of my wife and my child. Which brings me to a quick side note:
In the movie Amadeus, the life of Mozart was told. Mozart, the God-inspired musician was deeply envied by Antonio Salieri. Antonio Salieri wanted to praise God through composing, and he couldn't understand why the Lord seemed to have put His hand of blessing on Mozart, who Salieri saw as a vulgar creature. Salieri got pissed at Mozart and he got pissed at God. One line in particular stuck with me...though I can't remember it word for word, I can pull off a loose translation (maybe it didn't stick with me so well). Salieri cries out to God, "Why have you given me such desire to compose the most beautiful symphonies for you, but not provide me with the ability. I realize the parallel can break down at points, but it doesn't matter. It makes me think of my future wife (see, I can be positive!). I have a strong desire to marry (I believe solid/good reasons) and even believe I have God-given gifts in being a father and a husband. Yet, I feel like I lack the opportunity. While I don't picture myself cursing God and making it a point to be God's enemy anytime soon, I can't help but relate to Salieris' frustration.
I know married couples have problems, many of which are far worse than any of my daily problems. However, they do have one thing. They have each other. The way it was supossed to be so that man didn't have to be alone in the world. God did that for a reason. Because loneliness is debilitating. When people are not loving and being loved in such an intimacy, humans will border on insanity. What can man do when that love is not in his forseeable horizon? Find a community to lessen his burden. Join together and encourage one another. What can man do when that community is not in his forseeable horizon? The common answer is to try to escape it. Do something that will make you forget how hurt you are. That will make you forget how lost you feel. Whether it's watching tv or doing drugs, anything that can just get you through another day. The road less traveled is this. To press through this dark season of the soul by going "balls to the wall" with God. (I love that expression even more when used in that context...haha). Sacrifice every possible means and vehicle that you use as a way to "escape" from how you feel. Refuse to escape. Confront the reality of life before you and be forced to feel, to hurt, to cry. Force yourself into the ever-waiting arms of Jesus.
When I got to my apartment after my eventful day, I was welcomed by a large group of college aged kids who were having a loud party downstairs. I remembered my college days when I could fit 10 of my closest friends all in a room and play games. I thought of how to include myself in their party when I realized that I could not possibly conceive of a way to pull that off and not make it the most awkard thing in the world for everyone involved. My roommate, whom I don't see except on the weekends when his girlfriend is over, was in his room spending some time with his special lady friend. I think they were watching a movie, and I would have liked to have watched it with them, but they were definitely sending out the "do not disturb" vibe.
I know everyone says that you can't compare people's problems. "The grass is always greener on the other side" and the magnitude of problems are really "in the eye of the beholder" (or perhaps the bearer of the problem). Everyone says they know how i feel, but you don't. I don't know how you feel. However, the nagging, constant ache in one's heart...in my heart, due to loneliness is becoming overwhelming. It reveals itself the most in not having a girlfriend to really share my life with and with whom I can lavish my love on. In the past few weeks, I realized that a wife can understand who you are and know more about you than anyone else in the world...and still can't fully know you. As Donald Miller says in Blue Like Jazz, "there's some places only God can go." Seeing it from that light gave me a healthier perspective on marriage, and yet made me long for it all the more. I expect life to be much more difficult with a wife and with children. However, more fulfilling and rich as well. Being able to pour your life loving your family is one of the greatest blessings we have and best examples of the heart and intimacy of God. That life with be much more challenging, but deep in my soul, I long to fight and be a warrior for the heart of my wife and my child. Which brings me to a quick side note:
In the movie Amadeus, the life of Mozart was told. Mozart, the God-inspired musician was deeply envied by Antonio Salieri. Antonio Salieri wanted to praise God through composing, and he couldn't understand why the Lord seemed to have put His hand of blessing on Mozart, who Salieri saw as a vulgar creature. Salieri got pissed at Mozart and he got pissed at God. One line in particular stuck with me...though I can't remember it word for word, I can pull off a loose translation (maybe it didn't stick with me so well). Salieri cries out to God, "Why have you given me such desire to compose the most beautiful symphonies for you, but not provide me with the ability. I realize the parallel can break down at points, but it doesn't matter. It makes me think of my future wife (see, I can be positive!). I have a strong desire to marry (I believe solid/good reasons) and even believe I have God-given gifts in being a father and a husband. Yet, I feel like I lack the opportunity. While I don't picture myself cursing God and making it a point to be God's enemy anytime soon, I can't help but relate to Salieris' frustration.
I know married couples have problems, many of which are far worse than any of my daily problems. However, they do have one thing. They have each other. The way it was supossed to be so that man didn't have to be alone in the world. God did that for a reason. Because loneliness is debilitating. When people are not loving and being loved in such an intimacy, humans will border on insanity. What can man do when that love is not in his forseeable horizon? Find a community to lessen his burden. Join together and encourage one another. What can man do when that community is not in his forseeable horizon? The common answer is to try to escape it. Do something that will make you forget how hurt you are. That will make you forget how lost you feel. Whether it's watching tv or doing drugs, anything that can just get you through another day. The road less traveled is this. To press through this dark season of the soul by going "balls to the wall" with God. (I love that expression even more when used in that context...haha). Sacrifice every possible means and vehicle that you use as a way to "escape" from how you feel. Refuse to escape. Confront the reality of life before you and be forced to feel, to hurt, to cry. Force yourself into the ever-waiting arms of Jesus.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
update
What I've been up to: I attended my first karaoke bar thingy while visiting my old roommate. I, of course, didn't sing. However, it was fun to watch everyone else. The week before, I attended a funeral for one of my best childhood friends growing up. He committed suicide after shooting his girlfriend.
Current goals: I'm going to say yes to almost everything that I am invited to. I will make it a point to go out of my comfort zone and find opportunities for fellowship. I will spend some more time in nature. I will look into sports groups that may be developing so that I can get involved that way as well. I may find an occasional job to get some extra money. I may take some classes at gordon conwell seminary. I hope to do that latter, but am not sure if it can work out.
Current decisions: Do I stay or do i go now? Do i stay or do i go? I am currently living in Salem. I was living at home to spend some time with my parents, but 1) I am not motivated to do anything at all when i am at home and 2) there is not a lot of opportunity for social interaction in that part of the state. So I moved to Salem knowing that i could and will still spend time with my parents on some weekends and do stuff then. So far I am not happy with being here, but i want to give it a chance. I'd prefer to have a studio apartment, but studios are super expensive around these parts. I'd like to have my alone time at my own place and then be intentional about hanging out with people. That way I'd have time to myself, but I'd also be able to engage in a variety of communities that would be desireable for me. In the past I had a lot of communities, but I did not feel connected to any of them. That's how I am feeling about my current living situation.
I do want to stay around this area for a little while, and i'm paying peanuts right now to live in this exact apartment so I guess I should take advantage of that. I tell myself that is true, but I don't feel that way in my heart. My room is too small. I have to climb over everything and it's super not convenient. When I come home from work at the end of the day I want a place I can relax, not a place I have to type on my laptop from a handstand position just so i can fit in my room. Being inconvenienced in life is not a bad thing. Sometimes being uncomfortable is good too. These things can help us grow when we otherwise wouldn't. Living a lifestyle of simplicity is good too for those who feel led to do so. However feeling uneasy all the time isn't good. Where I am living makes me constantly feel uneasy. One example of this, though not the only one, is how a lady was robbed at knife point by a guy in the middle of the day on the street next to me. So I hope that either my feelings change or I move. I am thinking of taking a class at Gordon Conwell, but if i did that could I really do work in my room? I don't have a desk to do any work...but do I really want to pay double what I am paying now in order to get a studio? The weather has been terrible, so maybe i just feel down from that.
I believe God is calling me to some form of church leadership in the future, whether it's an associate pastor, an elder, or some other form of leadership. However, as I noticed all of the church elders standing in front of the church this morning, I asked myself, "how much of church leadership (beyond men's ministry or bible study leaders) is married couples?" All of them in front of me. When I thought about it, almost all elders, pastors, etc. are married. It made me wonder if i should not pursue those things which I think God is calling me to. Then I figured I should just pursue them and trust God with the rest. Then if I don't get married, I can complain:) Those who know me know that I would rather just complain and then not pursue anything...but I will not do that! yeah!
Current goals: I'm going to say yes to almost everything that I am invited to. I will make it a point to go out of my comfort zone and find opportunities for fellowship. I will spend some more time in nature. I will look into sports groups that may be developing so that I can get involved that way as well. I may find an occasional job to get some extra money. I may take some classes at gordon conwell seminary. I hope to do that latter, but am not sure if it can work out.
Current decisions: Do I stay or do i go now? Do i stay or do i go? I am currently living in Salem. I was living at home to spend some time with my parents, but 1) I am not motivated to do anything at all when i am at home and 2) there is not a lot of opportunity for social interaction in that part of the state. So I moved to Salem knowing that i could and will still spend time with my parents on some weekends and do stuff then. So far I am not happy with being here, but i want to give it a chance. I'd prefer to have a studio apartment, but studios are super expensive around these parts. I'd like to have my alone time at my own place and then be intentional about hanging out with people. That way I'd have time to myself, but I'd also be able to engage in a variety of communities that would be desireable for me. In the past I had a lot of communities, but I did not feel connected to any of them. That's how I am feeling about my current living situation.
I do want to stay around this area for a little while, and i'm paying peanuts right now to live in this exact apartment so I guess I should take advantage of that. I tell myself that is true, but I don't feel that way in my heart. My room is too small. I have to climb over everything and it's super not convenient. When I come home from work at the end of the day I want a place I can relax, not a place I have to type on my laptop from a handstand position just so i can fit in my room. Being inconvenienced in life is not a bad thing. Sometimes being uncomfortable is good too. These things can help us grow when we otherwise wouldn't. Living a lifestyle of simplicity is good too for those who feel led to do so. However feeling uneasy all the time isn't good. Where I am living makes me constantly feel uneasy. One example of this, though not the only one, is how a lady was robbed at knife point by a guy in the middle of the day on the street next to me. So I hope that either my feelings change or I move. I am thinking of taking a class at Gordon Conwell, but if i did that could I really do work in my room? I don't have a desk to do any work...but do I really want to pay double what I am paying now in order to get a studio? The weather has been terrible, so maybe i just feel down from that.
I believe God is calling me to some form of church leadership in the future, whether it's an associate pastor, an elder, or some other form of leadership. However, as I noticed all of the church elders standing in front of the church this morning, I asked myself, "how much of church leadership (beyond men's ministry or bible study leaders) is married couples?" All of them in front of me. When I thought about it, almost all elders, pastors, etc. are married. It made me wonder if i should not pursue those things which I think God is calling me to. Then I figured I should just pursue them and trust God with the rest. Then if I don't get married, I can complain:) Those who know me know that I would rather just complain and then not pursue anything...but I will not do that! yeah!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
uno, dos, tres, catorce
1) I am phleg/mel with some san thrown in there. Often people with my personality spend a lot of time looking inwards and we see all the problems going on inwardly. The best remedy is to look outward and serve others. That helps me to get proper perspective and some direction. What are my natural giftings and talents (Rom.12)? I figure this out, then I can figure out how to start plugging into churches and getting involved. “First I figure out my ministry to the body, then I figure out my mission to the world.”
2) There are different types of friends. Those I can go to when I am struggling and having difficulties. Those I can go shoot a round of golf with or play basketball with ( I think I just ended a sentence with a preposition). Those who can encourage me spiritually. I have a hard time letting go of the past, fearing losing old friendships that I hold so dear. Making new friends means finally letting go of that time in my life that I really enjoyed. The time around college where I had many friends and they met all my social needs. The time after college where I lived with other people whom I could talk to late at night. I have to be willing to experience new friendships and accept that things will not be like they were before. I have been living in the past, and I expect things to go back the way they were before. But life doesn’t work that way. I expect to have the same type of friends. Expecting friends now to be similar to the ones I have had is not fair, nor healthy. I am not going to leave my old friends, but I can’t expect things to go back to “the way they were.” People have moved on and so must I.
3) I was very motivated today as I was thinking about how to pursue hope, faith, love and an overall fullness in my life, but then I thought about what I would do if God said, “You will stay single for the rest of your life and there is a good reason for it.” I guess hearing something directly from God like that would be inspiring, but I’m sure I’d learn to question His decision even if I got the word directly from Him. I can be content in my singleness now…but forever? If I am to be single for the rest of my life, which I still don’t think is “God’s will” for me, then He will have to give my heart peace and joy and contentment in the midst of it. The church still doesn’t have an answer for the person who is not married and is desperately lonely. Being married doesn’t solve all of life’s problems, as a matter of fact, it creates a whole bunch of extra problems that singles never knew existed. Having friends is a blessing, providing opportunities to share in one another’s lives. However, being married involves a shared intimacy and an opportunity to love and be loved in a deeper way than a friendship could ever offer. I wish I could describe in words the feeling someone with my personality experiences late at night, when nobody is around, and the utter alone-ness that penetrates the soul. The second thing I do not think there is a good answer for is how a single man is to remain pure. A man is hard-wired by God a certain way, and for him to be single and remain pure is a miracle. I do not suggest it’s impossible, but for most men, we need God’s hand in that in a very real way. The very real way is lacking in most situations. Am I to just marry so that I don’t “burn with passions”? No, probably not. But I need a good answer to that.
(1)4) Enemy attacks you in the soul (mind, will, emotions) not in the spirit (wisdom, communion, conscience). I need to press through what I am going through now as it appears to be an attack. What I am experiencing is part depression and it’s also probably an attack from the enemy as well. I know I need to press through and seek God, but I don’t have motivation to do so, and I don’t feel I have support from anyone to help me get through this. I want to seek God, but lack the motivation/hunger/drive to do it. Why don’t I pursue and spend more time with God? I don’t feel like it does me any good. One problem lies in the statement “I don’t feel it does me any good.” In actuality, it does me good. However, there’s something to that “feeling.” I struggle with being lonely. I feel lonely, then go to God, try to spend time with Him and get my needs met by Him instead of settling for a counterfeit to help me just escape from my problems (alcohol, sex, drugs, etc.) The result? I end up feeling just as lonely after talking with Him. I don’t know what to do about that.
2) There are different types of friends. Those I can go to when I am struggling and having difficulties. Those I can go shoot a round of golf with or play basketball with ( I think I just ended a sentence with a preposition). Those who can encourage me spiritually. I have a hard time letting go of the past, fearing losing old friendships that I hold so dear. Making new friends means finally letting go of that time in my life that I really enjoyed. The time around college where I had many friends and they met all my social needs. The time after college where I lived with other people whom I could talk to late at night. I have to be willing to experience new friendships and accept that things will not be like they were before. I have been living in the past, and I expect things to go back the way they were before. But life doesn’t work that way. I expect to have the same type of friends. Expecting friends now to be similar to the ones I have had is not fair, nor healthy. I am not going to leave my old friends, but I can’t expect things to go back to “the way they were.” People have moved on and so must I.
3) I was very motivated today as I was thinking about how to pursue hope, faith, love and an overall fullness in my life, but then I thought about what I would do if God said, “You will stay single for the rest of your life and there is a good reason for it.” I guess hearing something directly from God like that would be inspiring, but I’m sure I’d learn to question His decision even if I got the word directly from Him. I can be content in my singleness now…but forever? If I am to be single for the rest of my life, which I still don’t think is “God’s will” for me, then He will have to give my heart peace and joy and contentment in the midst of it. The church still doesn’t have an answer for the person who is not married and is desperately lonely. Being married doesn’t solve all of life’s problems, as a matter of fact, it creates a whole bunch of extra problems that singles never knew existed. Having friends is a blessing, providing opportunities to share in one another’s lives. However, being married involves a shared intimacy and an opportunity to love and be loved in a deeper way than a friendship could ever offer. I wish I could describe in words the feeling someone with my personality experiences late at night, when nobody is around, and the utter alone-ness that penetrates the soul. The second thing I do not think there is a good answer for is how a single man is to remain pure. A man is hard-wired by God a certain way, and for him to be single and remain pure is a miracle. I do not suggest it’s impossible, but for most men, we need God’s hand in that in a very real way. The very real way is lacking in most situations. Am I to just marry so that I don’t “burn with passions”? No, probably not. But I need a good answer to that.
(1)4) Enemy attacks you in the soul (mind, will, emotions) not in the spirit (wisdom, communion, conscience). I need to press through what I am going through now as it appears to be an attack. What I am experiencing is part depression and it’s also probably an attack from the enemy as well. I know I need to press through and seek God, but I don’t have motivation to do so, and I don’t feel I have support from anyone to help me get through this. I want to seek God, but lack the motivation/hunger/drive to do it. Why don’t I pursue and spend more time with God? I don’t feel like it does me any good. One problem lies in the statement “I don’t feel it does me any good.” In actuality, it does me good. However, there’s something to that “feeling.” I struggle with being lonely. I feel lonely, then go to God, try to spend time with Him and get my needs met by Him instead of settling for a counterfeit to help me just escape from my problems (alcohol, sex, drugs, etc.) The result? I end up feeling just as lonely after talking with Him. I don’t know what to do about that.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
In no particular order...
Some things I want to work on.
Confidence--Look at people in the eye when they talk to me. Don't be afraid to give my opinion. (especially since I am always right). :)
Passion-- Stand up for ideas and for things that are right. A license to be very happy about something or very angry and to show the emotion without reservation. Also a renewed sense of awareness to the things that I uniquely love, and the passion that goes with it.
Doing something for people that help them feel special...no, that's not right. Doing things for people to help them realize that they ARE special.
Rememorize all the countries locations and capitals of the world.
Watch seasons 1-4 of 24.
A walk down memory lane:
Wow...one year ago from today, my parents came to visit me in Danvers and took me out to dinner for my birthday. Cara came and we all ate together. Wow...how the times flies! I still got some good birthday wishes. My parents made it a special day (if nothing else, they put up with all my demands), melissa came to visit for a few hours, and debbie sang happy birthday to me on my voice recording.
Confidence--Look at people in the eye when they talk to me. Don't be afraid to give my opinion. (especially since I am always right). :)
Passion-- Stand up for ideas and for things that are right. A license to be very happy about something or very angry and to show the emotion without reservation. Also a renewed sense of awareness to the things that I uniquely love, and the passion that goes with it.
Doing something for people that help them feel special...no, that's not right. Doing things for people to help them realize that they ARE special.
Rememorize all the countries locations and capitals of the world.
Watch seasons 1-4 of 24.
A walk down memory lane:
Wow...one year ago from today, my parents came to visit me in Danvers and took me out to dinner for my birthday. Cara came and we all ate together. Wow...how the times flies! I still got some good birthday wishes. My parents made it a special day (if nothing else, they put up with all my demands), melissa came to visit for a few hours, and debbie sang happy birthday to me on my voice recording.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
garble at 2 am
I lie awake, unable to go to sleep. I seem to have to much in my head, so I figure I can update this now. I have not written in quite some time. For one, writing in this blog became a compulsion and a responsibility. It became something that I started to invest too much of my energies in. Secondly, not much has changed for me and I do not want to continually revisit the same old issues time and time again in my blog. I get sick of writing them and you get sick of reading them. So all that to say that not much has changed. Unfortunately, that's not a positive thing. There are so many things externally that are going my way right now, but there are likewise so many things internally that are causing me to be uneasy. For once in my life I am going to be vague and not get into too many details. I mean, to some degree, it's my fault that nothing has changed. I am not making things happen. But I don't know what to make happen. I feel like I'm living life in the balances of all these different areas of my life and none of it comes together to make any sense for me. I don't know if that makes sense. I haven't even been to church more than 2 times in the past 3 months. Am I rebelling against God? Should you pray for me because I'm losing "brownie points" with God? Am I isolating myself? I don't think so, no, and...perhaps. To some degree I just feel sick of it. Sick of trying to make things happen and not seeing any fruit. I'm sick of just "waiting on God" and being bored out of my mind waiting for...who knows what.
A certain girl at work wants to find me a girlfriend. So...she wants me to go out and "party" with them. First of all, with my schedule at my job it just doesn't work out. And my town back home is hardly a "happenin' town" at night. Secondly, I'm not into the whole party thing, but would be willing to go out and socialize with people and what not. But, really, am I willing to get set up with a whole bunch of girls who are not Christians? Chances are that I'd like the girls a whole lot more than many Christian girls (an unfortunate reality), but would that be a healthy thing for me? Would it be wise or safe? Without a social outlet, I'm losing my common sense on what is wise for me, and am ready to throw much of it out the window. (please no "well, you won't need a very large window" type jokes:) hehe.) I know...theoritically, in the perfect world, I could go out and meet people and just "make friends." Then I don't worry about dating. I haven't figured out how to think that way. If I am going to go out of my comfort zone to meet people, it's not so I can meet more acquaintances.
My coworker just told me about the partying thing tonight, which is why i focused so much on that, but in all honesty, that is just one aspect of so much going on inside of me that I am confused by. I have figured this out. I have spent so much of my time trying to think through things that I keep forgetting to just do something. The result? I have felt sorry for myself and have become a prisoner to my own hopelessness. Hardly a warrior. Not at all someone who fights through disappointment and confusion to make something good come...if not for me, for someone else. That's the essence of a warrior...the thing my heart longs to become. One who will fight on behalf of others, to fight so that others are loved. As I think over whether or not I should start taking the necessary steps, in order to love, fear grows in my heart, as I realize that this warrior is but a child, who desperately needs love himself. So I slink back in my chair and sit in a content state of complacency. Shame on me.
A certain girl at work wants to find me a girlfriend. So...she wants me to go out and "party" with them. First of all, with my schedule at my job it just doesn't work out. And my town back home is hardly a "happenin' town" at night. Secondly, I'm not into the whole party thing, but would be willing to go out and socialize with people and what not. But, really, am I willing to get set up with a whole bunch of girls who are not Christians? Chances are that I'd like the girls a whole lot more than many Christian girls (an unfortunate reality), but would that be a healthy thing for me? Would it be wise or safe? Without a social outlet, I'm losing my common sense on what is wise for me, and am ready to throw much of it out the window. (please no "well, you won't need a very large window" type jokes:) hehe.) I know...theoritically, in the perfect world, I could go out and meet people and just "make friends." Then I don't worry about dating. I haven't figured out how to think that way. If I am going to go out of my comfort zone to meet people, it's not so I can meet more acquaintances.
My coworker just told me about the partying thing tonight, which is why i focused so much on that, but in all honesty, that is just one aspect of so much going on inside of me that I am confused by. I have figured this out. I have spent so much of my time trying to think through things that I keep forgetting to just do something. The result? I have felt sorry for myself and have become a prisoner to my own hopelessness. Hardly a warrior. Not at all someone who fights through disappointment and confusion to make something good come...if not for me, for someone else. That's the essence of a warrior...the thing my heart longs to become. One who will fight on behalf of others, to fight so that others are loved. As I think over whether or not I should start taking the necessary steps, in order to love, fear grows in my heart, as I realize that this warrior is but a child, who desperately needs love himself. So I slink back in my chair and sit in a content state of complacency. Shame on me.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
quick recap of Super Bowl XL
Seahawks=missed opportunities. Some costly penalties, dropped passes and missed coverages.
Steelers=Big Ben was terrible. Their 3-4 defense did well against the run, even on the left side of the dominant Seattle offensive line. Lucky.
The referees stole the opportunity for Seattle to win the game. Not only were some of the calls bad, but the timing of the calls was terrible. It would have been nice to see the refs not influence the game so much. If this would have happened to the Patriots, I'd still be frothing at the mouth. However, right now I just feel bad for Seattle.
I thought the commercials were better than people give them credit for.
Steelers=Big Ben was terrible. Their 3-4 defense did well against the run, even on the left side of the dominant Seattle offensive line. Lucky.
The referees stole the opportunity for Seattle to win the game. Not only were some of the calls bad, but the timing of the calls was terrible. It would have been nice to see the refs not influence the game so much. If this would have happened to the Patriots, I'd still be frothing at the mouth. However, right now I just feel bad for Seattle.
I thought the commercials were better than people give them credit for.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
girls
Since I know there are some out there who do read my blog, I don't want to complain, be negative, and be a downer. I don't like doing that, however, it's how I feel right now. To be honest, I'm using the blog right now as my own little journal, a way to get off my chest stuff that I am not telling anyone. So I confide in my online journal. I'm trying to be positive with everything, but it's getting harder to do that. It's kind of like...the longer you are depressed, the more work it takes to get out of that situation. And I know this shouldn't be bothering me, but it is right now, so deal.
I realized tonight that I do actually have a fear of rejejction with girls. I didn't realize it was that strong, but i do. I was going to im a girl from some website just to say hi, but I was expecting her to not talk to me. However, I noticed on her away message she was watching "The Patriot" which is one of my favorite movies, so before i could be smart enough to keep to myself, I sent her an im telling her I love that movie. She immediately responds, asks me who I am, and we chat for a minute or two. When she asks for my profile name on the online dating site, I tell her what it is, and then...she stops talking to me completely. It happened AS SOON as I told her my profile name. She looked it up and bam! End of conversation. Stuff like that happens a lot which makes me fear rejection. I'm not good looking enough, I don't have enough money, etc. To some girls in the past who got to know me, they must not have liked my personality either. I ask my girl friends what they think I need to change, and I'm either perfect or they aren't being honest with me. I bet it's the latter. I'm so confused. What the .... Aye...End of transmission.
I want a woman with whom I can be intimate with (yes, and marry her). I want to be a father. I just want a chance to love and be loved a little in return. I want to have my own family. I think that's part of the reason I am having a difficult time sleeping. That's part of the reason I feel uneasy and not at rest. Sure, I am 25, so what reason do i have to be scared that I will not get married? I guess I don't, but the fact that I haven't had a date in 6 years may have something to do with it. I just want someone to call me their husband. I want someone to call me, "dad." I don't need this to happen tomorrow, but I don't even see the possibility. I'm trying to do my own thing and keep myself busy and enjoy life...yup, I am trying...ugh. gosh i hate this.
I don't think people know what's going on inside of me. I don't think anybody does. Why I am having these feelings. I can smile and pretend I am ok, but really be hurting in my heart.
I realized tonight that I do actually have a fear of rejejction with girls. I didn't realize it was that strong, but i do. I was going to im a girl from some website just to say hi, but I was expecting her to not talk to me. However, I noticed on her away message she was watching "The Patriot" which is one of my favorite movies, so before i could be smart enough to keep to myself, I sent her an im telling her I love that movie. She immediately responds, asks me who I am, and we chat for a minute or two. When she asks for my profile name on the online dating site, I tell her what it is, and then...she stops talking to me completely. It happened AS SOON as I told her my profile name. She looked it up and bam! End of conversation. Stuff like that happens a lot which makes me fear rejection. I'm not good looking enough, I don't have enough money, etc. To some girls in the past who got to know me, they must not have liked my personality either. I ask my girl friends what they think I need to change, and I'm either perfect or they aren't being honest with me. I bet it's the latter. I'm so confused. What the .... Aye...End of transmission.
I want a woman with whom I can be intimate with (yes, and marry her). I want to be a father. I just want a chance to love and be loved a little in return. I want to have my own family. I think that's part of the reason I am having a difficult time sleeping. That's part of the reason I feel uneasy and not at rest. Sure, I am 25, so what reason do i have to be scared that I will not get married? I guess I don't, but the fact that I haven't had a date in 6 years may have something to do with it. I just want someone to call me their husband. I want someone to call me, "dad." I don't need this to happen tomorrow, but I don't even see the possibility. I'm trying to do my own thing and keep myself busy and enjoy life...yup, I am trying...ugh. gosh i hate this.
I don't think people know what's going on inside of me. I don't think anybody does. Why I am having these feelings. I can smile and pretend I am ok, but really be hurting in my heart.
Friday, January 27, 2006
I don't know
I feel like I am at a weird point in my life. It's like I'm just surviving and not really living. It's nobody's fault but mine too. I'm already having memories of writing a similar post to this one, but not much has changed since that time. I don't know why I feel like this either and that's kind of the scary part. It's like when you feel so depressed and don't want to do anything. Yet, the only thing is that I don't really feel sad or anything. Perhaps it's lack of motivation mixed in with being isolated that just keeps me in my house waiting for another day to pass. I actually enjoy being at work because there I have social interaction, as well as a way of being productive. But not so much the case for the rest of my life. Not that I need to be productive all the time, but I'd like to at least enjoy myself a little more. It is weird though...i act like a silly goober around my parents. I am a happy little ball of excitement at times. I don't know what's happening to be honest. I'm having problems going to sleep at night because I don't feel productive. I feel unsatisfied. I don't know how to change it. It's like I don't have something that I look forward to each day. So what do I do? I sleep or plop myself in front of the television once i finally get up. Again, it's like experiencing the symptoms of depression without being sad. I am finding myself being lonely, but wanting to isolate myself. I don't know what the heck I am doing. I don't know where I am going. I guess that's another thing. I'm looking for some sort of direction in my life. And I don't need a sign from God to tell me what to do. I'd take a strong hunch at this point. I just...don't know.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
4 non-related thoughts
I think the most humbling (and most spiritual) times in our lives are when we apologize to someone when they should really be apologizing to us.
The lady who put a finger in the food at Wendy's gets 9 years in prison. A man rapes a girl and gets 60 days in prison. Does anyone else think our court system has their priorities a little messed up?
"I feel weird, but i can't put words to it. It's like being lonely, but not wanting to talk to anyone. It's like being hungry, but not wanting to eat. It's like when your eyes are sleepy, but your feet feel like playing. I just feel...weird." --Fraggle Rock
I want to be known. This was written to me by someone that I loved. This is how I would describe you. Someone who is deep on the inside, but can enjoy life like a child. So, it's not like you are giddy and full of joy because you are blind to the realities of life, but it is in the midst of knowing the truth and depth of life and God with all of its struggles, pains, and rewards that you can dance before Him in joy like a child -secure in the love that God has for Him, enjoying all the gifts that He has given. The depth is what makes you childlike as opposed to childish - 2 very different things. I like that about you. I think these words mean so much to me because this person was able to unearth the real me. She understood me and "got me" in a way a lot of others don't.
The lady who put a finger in the food at Wendy's gets 9 years in prison. A man rapes a girl and gets 60 days in prison. Does anyone else think our court system has their priorities a little messed up?
"I feel weird, but i can't put words to it. It's like being lonely, but not wanting to talk to anyone. It's like being hungry, but not wanting to eat. It's like when your eyes are sleepy, but your feet feel like playing. I just feel...weird." --Fraggle Rock
I want to be known. This was written to me by someone that I loved. This is how I would describe you. Someone who is deep on the inside, but can enjoy life like a child. So, it's not like you are giddy and full of joy because you are blind to the realities of life, but it is in the midst of knowing the truth and depth of life and God with all of its struggles, pains, and rewards that you can dance before Him in joy like a child -secure in the love that God has for Him, enjoying all the gifts that He has given. The depth is what makes you childlike as opposed to childish - 2 very different things. I like that about you. I think these words mean so much to me because this person was able to unearth the real me. She understood me and "got me" in a way a lot of others don't.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
job upate
So, I'm still at my work. I work 1-11 on Tuesday, 11-9 overnight on Tuesday, 1-11 on Wednesday and 1-11 on Thursday. I cram 40 hours into 3 days in order to stay at my job and not have to commute. And I have 4 days off, but still work full time. It's great! I sleep at Melinda's house on Wednesday. Hopefully I'll find another place as well so that I don't bog her and her husband down by being there ever week...can I just say how humbling this whole process is? I can?! Thanks. I think it is an act of love to allow yourself to be loved. When you don't allow compliments from others and you don't allow yourself to be served by others, you do not allow the other person the ability to experience the full joy of loving and serving you. The tough part is sometimes we need other people. Whether it's a place to stay or maybe an ear to listen or maybe some advice. Regardless, I've found it completely humbling. I want to "earn my way" while living there, but I think (though that is admirable to want to give back) that is almost cheapening the hospitality and courtesy of my hosts.
I am at a point in my life where I don't know how much new stuff I want to share on the blog as I feel like I may be at a point where I want to do more learning myself and not pretend to have a lot of answers, because lately I have been feeling like I know less and less. The tough part is that the more I learn, the more I want to share. It's natural for me and it's even a way for me to learn the subject more deeply...by explaining it through the blog, for instance. If I write something on here, it may or may not be new. It may be something that I wrote down in my journal a while ago, but never posted on the blog. I think right now I want to learn more and I want to DO more. I want to play tennis again. I miss that. I was really good before. I mean, it was division 3 tennis, but i won the conference championship. More importantly, I enjoy life when i play. I want to DO more things that I enjoy. I don't want to just survive life and I don't want to keep waiting for something to happen for me. Sometimes we have to take some action ourselves. Sorry, I had to give myself a pep talk!:) What the heck DO I want to do with my life? Could someone tell me? hehe.
I am at a point in my life where I don't know how much new stuff I want to share on the blog as I feel like I may be at a point where I want to do more learning myself and not pretend to have a lot of answers, because lately I have been feeling like I know less and less. The tough part is that the more I learn, the more I want to share. It's natural for me and it's even a way for me to learn the subject more deeply...by explaining it through the blog, for instance. If I write something on here, it may or may not be new. It may be something that I wrote down in my journal a while ago, but never posted on the blog. I think right now I want to learn more and I want to DO more. I want to play tennis again. I miss that. I was really good before. I mean, it was division 3 tennis, but i won the conference championship. More importantly, I enjoy life when i play. I want to DO more things that I enjoy. I don't want to just survive life and I don't want to keep waiting for something to happen for me. Sometimes we have to take some action ourselves. Sorry, I had to give myself a pep talk!:) What the heck DO I want to do with my life? Could someone tell me? hehe.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
2 quotes about serving others
In the holy land lived a man called Eliab, whom God had blessed with earthly goods. He was also cunning in all the wisdom of the East. But all this could not bring peace to his heart; he was often full of sorrow and wished to die. Then a man of God came to him, and showed him an herb possessed of wonderful powers of healing; but Eliab said: “What is that to me? My body lacks not health; my soul is diseased. It were better for me to die.” “The herb will do thy heart good,” said the man of God. “Take it, and heal seven sick men and then thou mayest die if thou wilt.” Eliab did as he was desired, and sought out misery in its abiding-places. He healed seven sick people and succored the poor with his riches. Then the man of God came again to him and said, “Here is an herb of death; now thou mayest die.” But Eliab cried: “God forbid! My soul longeth no more for death, for now I comprehend the meaning and use of life.” KRUMMACHER
There is no anodyne for heart sorrow like ministry to others. If your life is woven with the dark shades of sorrow, do not sit down in sorrow to deplore your hapless lot, but arise to seek out those who are more miserable than you are, bearing them balm for their wounds and love for their heart-breaks. And if you are unable to give much practical help, you may largely help the children of bitterness by listening to their tales of woe or to their dreams of foreboding. The burdened heart longs to pour out its tale in a sympathetic ear. There is immense relief in the telling out of pain. But it cannot be hurried; it needs plenty of time. If you can do nothing else, listen well, and comfort others with the comfort wherewith you yourself have been comforted by God. And as you listen, and comfort, and wipe the falling tear, you will discover that you own load is lighter. F. B. Meyer
Saturday, January 14, 2006
the end of an era, the end of a dynasty
Granted, I care way too much about football and the Patriots. I will confess that. My dad can't even be in the same room as me when the game is on. I get quite excited and way way too nervous. "It's just a game" after all. But now, writing after the Patriots loss to Denver in the playoffs, I feel more depressed. It's like when the city of Boston all felt like they had their hearts ripped out after the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in game 7 a few years back. Remember? Pedro, Grady, Boone...frickin' Boone. Well, that's how I feel now. So, in hopes to undergo a little session of personal therapy, I write this blog.
Faulk-fumble that turned into a touchdown (due to a terrible defensive pass interference call in the end zone). Hobbs-fumble that turned into a field goal. Brady-interception in the endzone which was returned for an eventual touchdown (biggest turnover in the game). The nail in the coffin was a fumble by the sure handed Troy Brown on a punt. Vinatieri missed a field goal in there as well. It was like all the old faithful players just weren't doing it for us tonight. I mean, Brady played a decent game, but the offensive unit just couldn't do anything today. Our defense gave up 27 points, but they were absolutely outstanding today! Almost all the points that Denver got were off turnovers. Special teams and lack of offensive production led to the end of the Patriot dynasty. They will not be back in the superbowl for at least five more years. Pats fans don't get mad at me. It's just the way the sport works. Look at history. Brady will be hard-pressed to get another superbowl ring in his career. I will buy the 3 games to glory DVD's to relish in the past victories which nobody can take away from Brady, the Patriots, or from me...haha!
It had to happen at some point. It was inevitable. However, I wanted it to happen to a team that was better than us. That outplayed us. Denver did neither. The Pats simply beat themselves with uncharacteristic turnovers. I wanted a team to exploit our secondary, crush our offensive line. Denver didn't even cause the turnovers, we just bumbled the ball around like a bunch of kids playing hot potato. The Patiots lost the game to an inferior team. I don't like losing that way. But...now that you read all that...I feel better, thank you!
Faulk-fumble that turned into a touchdown (due to a terrible defensive pass interference call in the end zone). Hobbs-fumble that turned into a field goal. Brady-interception in the endzone which was returned for an eventual touchdown (biggest turnover in the game). The nail in the coffin was a fumble by the sure handed Troy Brown on a punt. Vinatieri missed a field goal in there as well. It was like all the old faithful players just weren't doing it for us tonight. I mean, Brady played a decent game, but the offensive unit just couldn't do anything today. Our defense gave up 27 points, but they were absolutely outstanding today! Almost all the points that Denver got were off turnovers. Special teams and lack of offensive production led to the end of the Patriot dynasty. They will not be back in the superbowl for at least five more years. Pats fans don't get mad at me. It's just the way the sport works. Look at history. Brady will be hard-pressed to get another superbowl ring in his career. I will buy the 3 games to glory DVD's to relish in the past victories which nobody can take away from Brady, the Patriots, or from me...haha!
It had to happen at some point. It was inevitable. However, I wanted it to happen to a team that was better than us. That outplayed us. Denver did neither. The Pats simply beat themselves with uncharacteristic turnovers. I wanted a team to exploit our secondary, crush our offensive line. Denver didn't even cause the turnovers, we just bumbled the ball around like a bunch of kids playing hot potato. The Patiots lost the game to an inferior team. I don't like losing that way. But...now that you read all that...I feel better, thank you!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
War zone
As a follow up to my last post about "why bad things happen" I would like to make one last point. I could, in actuality, make three or four posts out of this, but I realize nobody would read it. So...I will try to make this quick. The world we live in is a war zone, it's not just "preparation for heaven." I will be giving some quotes from John Eldridge and A.W. Tozer. I would love to throw in some Gregory Boyd quotes too, but this would be way too long.
A.W. Tozer
“In the early days when Christianity exercised a dominant influence over American thinking, men conceived the world to be a battleground. Our fathers believed in sin and the devil and hell as constituting one force; and they believed in God and righteousness and heaven as the other. These were opposed to each other in the nature of them forever in deep, grave, irreconcilable hostility. Man, so our fathers held, had to choose sides; he could not be neutral. For him it must be life or death, heaven or hell, and if he chose to come out on God’s side he could expect open war with God’s enemies. The fight would be real and deadly and would last as long as life continued here below. Men looked forward to heaven as a return from wars, a laying down of the sword to enjoy in peace the home prepared for them.”
“Men think of the world, not as a battleground but as a playground. We are not here to fight, we are here to frolic. We are not in a foreign land, we are at home. We are not getting ready to live, we are already living, and the best we can do is to rid ourselves of our inhibitions and our frustrations and live this life to the full.”
“A little self examination will reveal that it (the church) and its members have become fallow. Its members now look to it for security rather than for guidance in the battle between good and evil. It has become a school instead of a barracks. Its members are student, not soldiers. They study the experiences of others instead of seeking new experiences of their own.”
John Eldridge
John 10:10 -- (I'm not typing it out, so you'll have to look it up) Have you ever wondered why Jesus married those two statements? Did you even know he spoke them at the same time? I mean, He says them in one breath. And He has His reasons. By all means, God intends life for you. But right now that life is opposed. It doesn't just roll in on a tray. There is a thief. He comes to steal and kill and destroy.
Daniel 10:1-3 -- (yes, you'll have to look up another verse...and this won't make sense unless you read it) After three weeks of prayer and fasting, what is he to conclude? If Daniel were like most people, by this point he'd probably be headed toward one of two conclusions: "I'm blowing it" or "God's holding out on me." He might try confessing every sin and petty offense in hopes of opening up the lines of communication with God. Or he might withdraw into a sort of disappointed resignation, drop the fast, and turn on the television. In an effort to hang on to his faith, he might embrace the difficulty as part of "God's will for his life." He might read a book on "the silence of God." That's the way most people I know handle this sort of thing. And he would be dead wrong. (Summary of the verse: Daniel prays and fasts for three weeks, and on the FIRST DAY when Daniel was praying to God, an angel was sent in answer to his prayer. Yet, it took the angel three weeks to get there. What is the explanation for this? He was locked down in hand-to-hand combat with a mighty fallen angel.)
A.W. Tozer
“In the early days when Christianity exercised a dominant influence over American thinking, men conceived the world to be a battleground. Our fathers believed in sin and the devil and hell as constituting one force; and they believed in God and righteousness and heaven as the other. These were opposed to each other in the nature of them forever in deep, grave, irreconcilable hostility. Man, so our fathers held, had to choose sides; he could not be neutral. For him it must be life or death, heaven or hell, and if he chose to come out on God’s side he could expect open war with God’s enemies. The fight would be real and deadly and would last as long as life continued here below. Men looked forward to heaven as a return from wars, a laying down of the sword to enjoy in peace the home prepared for them.”
“Men think of the world, not as a battleground but as a playground. We are not here to fight, we are here to frolic. We are not in a foreign land, we are at home. We are not getting ready to live, we are already living, and the best we can do is to rid ourselves of our inhibitions and our frustrations and live this life to the full.”
“A little self examination will reveal that it (the church) and its members have become fallow. Its members now look to it for security rather than for guidance in the battle between good and evil. It has become a school instead of a barracks. Its members are student, not soldiers. They study the experiences of others instead of seeking new experiences of their own.”
John Eldridge
John 10:10 -- (I'm not typing it out, so you'll have to look it up) Have you ever wondered why Jesus married those two statements? Did you even know he spoke them at the same time? I mean, He says them in one breath. And He has His reasons. By all means, God intends life for you. But right now that life is opposed. It doesn't just roll in on a tray. There is a thief. He comes to steal and kill and destroy.
Daniel 10:1-3 -- (yes, you'll have to look up another verse...and this won't make sense unless you read it) After three weeks of prayer and fasting, what is he to conclude? If Daniel were like most people, by this point he'd probably be headed toward one of two conclusions: "I'm blowing it" or "God's holding out on me." He might try confessing every sin and petty offense in hopes of opening up the lines of communication with God. Or he might withdraw into a sort of disappointed resignation, drop the fast, and turn on the television. In an effort to hang on to his faith, he might embrace the difficulty as part of "God's will for his life." He might read a book on "the silence of God." That's the way most people I know handle this sort of thing. And he would be dead wrong. (Summary of the verse: Daniel prays and fasts for three weeks, and on the FIRST DAY when Daniel was praying to God, an angel was sent in answer to his prayer. Yet, it took the angel three weeks to get there. What is the explanation for this? He was locked down in hand-to-hand combat with a mighty fallen angel.)
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Why bad things happen to good people
In a past blog I pasted a link to an article written by Gregory Boyd answering the question of why bad things happen (terrorists smashing planes into the world trade center, blindness, cancer, rape, etc.) He mentions that these people are victims of a fallen world. He notes that Jesus never suggested that atrocities fit into some divine plan. He actually expressed God's will by coming against these afflictions. I also pasted another link to his website where you can here a sermon he has about why "natural disasters happen." In his sermon he points out how the physicality of the planet was affected due to our fall (sin). Even the laws of nature, to some degree, have been affected by the fall. For example the 2nd law of thermodynamics: Everything tends towards decay. This is why we get older and why we eventually die. In our present world system, it’s totally natural. We have difficulty conceiving what it’d be like if we didn’t wind down and die. Yet, the bible says that death is an unnatural thing. It wasn’t meant to be part of creation. The Bible goes so far to say that the one who is the author of death is the one who has been a murderer from the beginning John 8:44.
Why did I explain all that? Because, chances are that you never went to the link or had time to listen to an entire sermon from the internet. I have the article and the sermon written down, so if anyone, by chance, would like to get the full story then I can email them to you!:)
Following are some excerpts from a document I wrote a year ago or so (which is the culmination of thoughts between myself and a friend of mine).
The full revelation of God’s heart is revealed through the person of Jesus Christ. That is where our “picture” of God must come from.
Yes, there is a reason for everything. And God has a reason for everything He does, how He designs the creation and universe, and for who He passionately and lovingly creates free, and why He risks so much and what His and our ecstatic payoff is for such freedom and love andpower. No, God does not personally have a willful motive for every meticulous (evil) detail that rebellion generates. He does have an over-riding reason (maybe many reasons!) why He creates us with such frightening freedom.
Why does evil occur when we have a holy, sovereign God? We conclude, by binary Greek logic that, "God is either not powerful enough or is not desiring for the issue to be changed.” Sort of like saying, if a thing has color, then it's obviously either purple or chartreuse." I mean, how short-sighted can one be?
Funny how the Calvinist view treats evil as a problem. A logical problem that challenges our faith. Their answer is to resolve the logical problem and be resigned to God's "ordained" future. Sounds uncomfortably Eastern to me. "Accept your place in the world, in the cycle of life, be content." As opposed to the New Testament and early church who treated evil as an enemy to be fought. No resignation, but an active good fight. Doing what Jesus did, "destroying the works of the enemy."
2 Cor 4:4, "...in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." Do we agree with the Calvinists who (I think) believe that God uses Satan to work His purposes? God wants to keep some people out of His kingdom, so He lets Satan blind them? Again, when confronted by the doomed man on judgment day, will God say, "Well I knew you would reject me anyway."?
God is a creator. Those made in His image can also create. Made free, they can create, from within themselves, choices to do evil (or amazing good or to turn to God and get inspired), without blaming a molecule that God breathed at and caused to bump into an electron thattriggered a neural impulse in their brain that made an emotion that chose evil. Yet, we forget that there is a war going on. We think that God is mysteriously behind everything that happens with some kind of secret plan for an ultimate good.
Why did I explain all that? Because, chances are that you never went to the link or had time to listen to an entire sermon from the internet. I have the article and the sermon written down, so if anyone, by chance, would like to get the full story then I can email them to you!:)
Following are some excerpts from a document I wrote a year ago or so (which is the culmination of thoughts between myself and a friend of mine).
The full revelation of God’s heart is revealed through the person of Jesus Christ. That is where our “picture” of God must come from.
Yes, there is a reason for everything. And God has a reason for everything He does, how He designs the creation and universe, and for who He passionately and lovingly creates free, and why He risks so much and what His and our ecstatic payoff is for such freedom and love andpower. No, God does not personally have a willful motive for every meticulous (evil) detail that rebellion generates. He does have an over-riding reason (maybe many reasons!) why He creates us with such frightening freedom.
Why does evil occur when we have a holy, sovereign God? We conclude, by binary Greek logic that, "God is either not powerful enough or is not desiring for the issue to be changed.” Sort of like saying, if a thing has color, then it's obviously either purple or chartreuse." I mean, how short-sighted can one be?
Funny how the Calvinist view treats evil as a problem. A logical problem that challenges our faith. Their answer is to resolve the logical problem and be resigned to God's "ordained" future. Sounds uncomfortably Eastern to me. "Accept your place in the world, in the cycle of life, be content." As opposed to the New Testament and early church who treated evil as an enemy to be fought. No resignation, but an active good fight. Doing what Jesus did, "destroying the works of the enemy."
2 Cor 4:4, "...in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." Do we agree with the Calvinists who (I think) believe that God uses Satan to work His purposes? God wants to keep some people out of His kingdom, so He lets Satan blind them? Again, when confronted by the doomed man on judgment day, will God say, "Well I knew you would reject me anyway."?
God is a creator. Those made in His image can also create. Made free, they can create, from within themselves, choices to do evil (or amazing good or to turn to God and get inspired), without blaming a molecule that God breathed at and caused to bump into an electron thattriggered a neural impulse in their brain that made an emotion that chose evil. Yet, we forget that there is a war going on. We think that God is mysteriously behind everything that happens with some kind of secret plan for an ultimate good.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
7 selected quotes
Well bred people now do not talk about “the world, the flesh, and the devil”; they speak of “environment, heredity, and circumstances.” Anonymous
In Brazil there grows a common plant, which forest-dwellers call the matador, or “murderer.” Its slender stem creeps at first along the ground; but no sooner does it meet a vigorous tree, than, with clinging grasp, it cleaves to it, and climbs it, and, as it climbs, keeps, at short intervals, sending out arm-like tendrils that embrace the tree. As the murderer ascends, these ligatures grow larger, and clasp tighter. Up, up, it climbs a hundred feet, nay, two hundred if need by, until the last loftiest spire is gained and fettered. Then, as if in triumph, the parasite shoots a huge, flowery head above the strangled summit, and thence, from the dead tree’s crown, scatters its seed to do again the work of death. Even thus, worldliness has strangled more churches than ever persecution broke. Coley
An eagle, flying over a valley of ice, discovered a carcass, upon which it descended, and feasted so long, that its wings became frozen to the ice. In vain it struggled to mount upward: a vivid emblem of worldly desires. Anonymous
Our prayers often resemble the mischievous tricks of town children, who knock at their neighbor’s houses and then run away; we often knock at heaven’s door and then run off into the spirits of the world; instead of waiting for entrance and answer, we act as if we were afraid of having our prayers answered. Williams
God has three kinds of servants in the world—1) slaves, who serve Him from a principle of fear; 2) hirelings, who serve Him for the sake of wages; 3) sons, who serve Him under the influence of love. Anonymous
When Scoresby was selecting his men to accompany him in his Arctic explorations, he needed sailors who could stand the severest of exposures, and who had nerve to bear the worst trials. So every man who applied to accompany the expedition was made to stand barefooted on a great block of ice while the surgeon examined his body, and Scoresby inquired as they had not nerve to endure the test. The men who stood the trial made up a band of the most glorious heroes. So sometimes God tries us when he has in store for us some great undertaking. Many faint and excuse themselves from the start. Some endure, and make the heroes and leaders of the church. Vail
In Brazil there grows a common plant, which forest-dwellers call the matador, or “murderer.” Its slender stem creeps at first along the ground; but no sooner does it meet a vigorous tree, than, with clinging grasp, it cleaves to it, and climbs it, and, as it climbs, keeps, at short intervals, sending out arm-like tendrils that embrace the tree. As the murderer ascends, these ligatures grow larger, and clasp tighter. Up, up, it climbs a hundred feet, nay, two hundred if need by, until the last loftiest spire is gained and fettered. Then, as if in triumph, the parasite shoots a huge, flowery head above the strangled summit, and thence, from the dead tree’s crown, scatters its seed to do again the work of death. Even thus, worldliness has strangled more churches than ever persecution broke. Coley
An eagle, flying over a valley of ice, discovered a carcass, upon which it descended, and feasted so long, that its wings became frozen to the ice. In vain it struggled to mount upward: a vivid emblem of worldly desires. Anonymous
Our prayers often resemble the mischievous tricks of town children, who knock at their neighbor’s houses and then run away; we often knock at heaven’s door and then run off into the spirits of the world; instead of waiting for entrance and answer, we act as if we were afraid of having our prayers answered. Williams
God has three kinds of servants in the world—1) slaves, who serve Him from a principle of fear; 2) hirelings, who serve Him for the sake of wages; 3) sons, who serve Him under the influence of love. Anonymous
When Scoresby was selecting his men to accompany him in his Arctic explorations, he needed sailors who could stand the severest of exposures, and who had nerve to bear the worst trials. So every man who applied to accompany the expedition was made to stand barefooted on a great block of ice while the surgeon examined his body, and Scoresby inquired as they had not nerve to endure the test. The men who stood the trial made up a band of the most glorious heroes. So sometimes God tries us when he has in store for us some great undertaking. Many faint and excuse themselves from the start. Some endure, and make the heroes and leaders of the church. Vail
Lost intimacy
I feel overwhelmed, entangled, consumed by this cloud that lay over my heart. This feeling floods over me and nearly knocks me out. It’s like being lost when you know right where you are. It’s a feeling you can’t describe…it’s…lost intimacy. I try to ignore it, but it keeps sneaking up on me. I run away, it catches up to me. I try to fight it off, but it won’t leave me alone. It lingers around me as if it’s mocking me. It's Life, love, hope, faith, it’s all being choked out of me.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
playful rhyme time followed by a thoughtless thought
I can’t be, I won’t be, like everyone else just trying to act like somebody else. I should be, I must be all that I am, though that may mean, I may not be seen, as someone who’s cool, but rather the fool.
Over yonder, I still ponder what I lack to be loved back. So here I wait, for that special date, to come around and for love to abound.
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I don't need to talk to someone now. I don't even feel like it really. However, after reading an insightful post, I realized what it is that kind of has me down. The thought that there aren't many people that I feel i can talk to in the event that I DO need to talk to someone...in the event that something DOES indeed happen and I need a lot of support. ...I think that's all about that. I guess it's just an irrational fear that i have...I am not down because things are going bad, but by the lack of support in case something does. Does that even make sense? haha.
OK. I usually don't like to post many blogs at once because i don't think people will read my previous ones. However, I will go out on a limb here and trust that you will read my previous blogs that I just wrote tonight as well! :) Thanks!
Over yonder, I still ponder what I lack to be loved back. So here I wait, for that special date, to come around and for love to abound.
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I don't need to talk to someone now. I don't even feel like it really. However, after reading an insightful post, I realized what it is that kind of has me down. The thought that there aren't many people that I feel i can talk to in the event that I DO need to talk to someone...in the event that something DOES indeed happen and I need a lot of support. ...I think that's all about that. I guess it's just an irrational fear that i have...I am not down because things are going bad, but by the lack of support in case something does. Does that even make sense? haha.
OK. I usually don't like to post many blogs at once because i don't think people will read my previous ones. However, I will go out on a limb here and trust that you will read my previous blogs that I just wrote tonight as well! :) Thanks!
"waking the dead" part 1
I have recently been reading "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge. It's a great book so far. There are two points I wish to make note of in regards to my reading so far. There is a third point as well, but that will be discussed at a future time.
1) "...the Enemy knows how vital the heart is, even if we do not, and al his forces are fixed upon its destructino. For if he can disable or deaden your heart, then he has effectively foiled the plan of God, which was to create a world where love reigns. By taking out your heart, the Enemy takes out you..." Do not let any thing, any person, any circumstance, nor any hurt serve to deaden your heart. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23).
2) The author talked a lot about how Jesus used stories. He spoke in parables. Why didn't he just tell us the facts? I know that's what I want all the time...the facts, just the facts. But the language of your heart is not just written in the facts. Your hearts language is stories, tales, adventures. We find a way to relate to stories. Stories find a way to open our eyes to more than what is around us. Makes us see the potential for more for our lives! Stories speak to my heart in a way that "mere facts" cannot. I realized this to be true when I watch movies. When I think that God has come to make men free, I think...well, that's cool! But when I watch a movie like Braveheart and see a character fight for the freedom of his people...i somehow get it in a fresh way. I don't write stories, I write about my opinions and my take on certain issues. Hopefully, I will write more about "facts" that will serve to edify others. And there is definitely a very useful and needed purpose for that. But likewise, and even more so, let the story tellers rise up!
1) "...the Enemy knows how vital the heart is, even if we do not, and al his forces are fixed upon its destructino. For if he can disable or deaden your heart, then he has effectively foiled the plan of God, which was to create a world where love reigns. By taking out your heart, the Enemy takes out you..." Do not let any thing, any person, any circumstance, nor any hurt serve to deaden your heart. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23).
2) The author talked a lot about how Jesus used stories. He spoke in parables. Why didn't he just tell us the facts? I know that's what I want all the time...the facts, just the facts. But the language of your heart is not just written in the facts. Your hearts language is stories, tales, adventures. We find a way to relate to stories. Stories find a way to open our eyes to more than what is around us. Makes us see the potential for more for our lives! Stories speak to my heart in a way that "mere facts" cannot. I realized this to be true when I watch movies. When I think that God has come to make men free, I think...well, that's cool! But when I watch a movie like Braveheart and see a character fight for the freedom of his people...i somehow get it in a fresh way. I don't write stories, I write about my opinions and my take on certain issues. Hopefully, I will write more about "facts" that will serve to edify others. And there is definitely a very useful and needed purpose for that. But likewise, and even more so, let the story tellers rise up!
Friday, January 06, 2006
politics
I heard Jay Severin talk today on the radio. It got me fired up about a few things i have to vent about.
Torture: OK. Sleep deprivation, or being sent to tickle land, or even acts of humiliation do not consitute as torture. And contrary to many people's opinions, this form of coersion can be used to save many innocent lives. End of story.
Canadians live under the blanket of protection from America. They benefit from taxpayers money going to the military. They benefit from thousands of soldiers blood, sweat and tears. And what do some of them do? They boo the American National Anthem. Holy Crap! It's not everyone, but what were those few idiots at the game thinking? This does not warrant any further comments.
Ariel Sharone (sp?) had a stroke. Pat Robertson thinks God was punishing him for dealing with Palestine. Aye. This is why people don't want to be Christians. Why does God always have to be punishing someone? C'mon Pat, get with it.
Voting: I have been saying this all along, but it was nice when Jay echoed my thoughts. We don't want the voting population to increase. Most of the people that don't vote now, wouldn't be very educated voters...come to think of it, have the voters nowadays aren't educated voters. Let's stop trying to get every nut job to vote and instead work on educating people about the issues already!
Another bonehead judge: OK...get this...a young child was raped by a guy for four years between the ages of 6-10 years old. The creep who did this goes before the judge and guess what the judge sentenced him with? Go ahead, throw a number out. 20? 40? 60? Correct, he got 60...SIXTY DAYS! I hope to the heavens that this story is not fully accurate. I hope there was some mis-information there! The reasons the judge stated for giving him that sentence is: 1) "he'll just get angrier in prison." 2) "After 25 years on the bench I no longer believe in punishment." OK. perhaps, you should stop sitting on the bench then you jerk! I am not trying to make a case for capital punishment, but there was a time in America, not too long ago, when the rapist would be getting a knock on his door late at night and be greeted by some manly men waiting to show him a thing or two with a rope. The second door that the townsfolk would knock on would be the judge's door. Do people stand for this crap?!
Torture: OK. Sleep deprivation, or being sent to tickle land, or even acts of humiliation do not consitute as torture. And contrary to many people's opinions, this form of coersion can be used to save many innocent lives. End of story.
Canadians live under the blanket of protection from America. They benefit from taxpayers money going to the military. They benefit from thousands of soldiers blood, sweat and tears. And what do some of them do? They boo the American National Anthem. Holy Crap! It's not everyone, but what were those few idiots at the game thinking? This does not warrant any further comments.
Ariel Sharone (sp?) had a stroke. Pat Robertson thinks God was punishing him for dealing with Palestine. Aye. This is why people don't want to be Christians. Why does God always have to be punishing someone? C'mon Pat, get with it.
Voting: I have been saying this all along, but it was nice when Jay echoed my thoughts. We don't want the voting population to increase. Most of the people that don't vote now, wouldn't be very educated voters...come to think of it, have the voters nowadays aren't educated voters. Let's stop trying to get every nut job to vote and instead work on educating people about the issues already!
Another bonehead judge: OK...get this...a young child was raped by a guy for four years between the ages of 6-10 years old. The creep who did this goes before the judge and guess what the judge sentenced him with? Go ahead, throw a number out. 20? 40? 60? Correct, he got 60...SIXTY DAYS! I hope to the heavens that this story is not fully accurate. I hope there was some mis-information there! The reasons the judge stated for giving him that sentence is: 1) "he'll just get angrier in prison." 2) "After 25 years on the bench I no longer believe in punishment." OK. perhaps, you should stop sitting on the bench then you jerk! I am not trying to make a case for capital punishment, but there was a time in America, not too long ago, when the rapist would be getting a knock on his door late at night and be greeted by some manly men waiting to show him a thing or two with a rope. The second door that the townsfolk would knock on would be the judge's door. Do people stand for this crap?!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
dumb "men" and a follow-up on "born again"
I get really pissed off when I think of husbands who don’t love their wives, fathers who don’t spend time with their children. How fortunate they are and they throw away life’s greatest blessings! I want to love a woman and spend time with my children. I deeply desire to be a good husband and good father. Yet, I don’t have the opportunity. I’m not saying all fathers and husbands are bad. It just irks me to hear of stories of husbands who leave their wives lonely at home so they can delight themselves in their work. To hear stories of father’s that leave their kids because they are too busy spending time in their own pursuits. argh
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God’s light can radiate through me whether I am feeling frustrated or even if I am not feeling God myself. It’s not my emotions or how I am feeling that day that will touch someone. It’s not even my personality. It is the spirit of God inside me. Things to remember: 1) God wants to radiate His glory through us. 2) It’s not based on our emotions. 3) We get “filled up with more of Him” (in a matter of speaking) the more time we spend with Him. 4) Make a choice to have God’s love and presence “ooze” out of us onto others.
The goal: To have God's presence radiate through us, the love of God emanate through us and the power of God flow through us so others can be touched by His presence.
I was at Walmart about a week ago, and let me tell you, I was finding quite difficult to love! I was one or two seconds away from pointing out one lady’s absent mindedness (in a very not nice way) and .5 seconds away from telling one guy off (this guy was giving the cashier a difficult time so I would have felt justified in that situation). Nevertheless, I realized that when we try to love in our own strength, we can only do so much. I also realized I need my soul cleaned out a little better to be able to see people the same way that Jesus does. Yes, make it a point to show love to people when you can. Make it simple or be creative. But there is also a more excellent way to love. That way is grounded in the fact that we are a new creation in Christ and we have the very love of God living within us.
--------------------------------------------------------
God’s light can radiate through me whether I am feeling frustrated or even if I am not feeling God myself. It’s not my emotions or how I am feeling that day that will touch someone. It’s not even my personality. It is the spirit of God inside me. Things to remember: 1) God wants to radiate His glory through us. 2) It’s not based on our emotions. 3) We get “filled up with more of Him” (in a matter of speaking) the more time we spend with Him. 4) Make a choice to have God’s love and presence “ooze” out of us onto others.
The goal: To have God's presence radiate through us, the love of God emanate through us and the power of God flow through us so others can be touched by His presence.
I was at Walmart about a week ago, and let me tell you, I was finding quite difficult to love! I was one or two seconds away from pointing out one lady’s absent mindedness (in a very not nice way) and .5 seconds away from telling one guy off (this guy was giving the cashier a difficult time so I would have felt justified in that situation). Nevertheless, I realized that when we try to love in our own strength, we can only do so much. I also realized I need my soul cleaned out a little better to be able to see people the same way that Jesus does. Yes, make it a point to show love to people when you can. Make it simple or be creative. But there is also a more excellent way to love. That way is grounded in the fact that we are a new creation in Christ and we have the very love of God living within us.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Memorable quotes from my college tennis team
“Matt, your milk sucks.”
- Erik
“I’m a kinky woman.”
- Matt
“Erik, do you want a vibrator? (fyi, i was referring to the vibration dampener used on tennis rackets...oops).
- Matt
“The blond on her hair is head.”
- Micah
“I saw a drummer that had no head once. Actually it was an octopus.”
- Dan Byler
“I’m allergic to water.”
- Dan Byler
“My pace is feeling.”
- Jake
“I don’t think diesel has anything to do with breaking.”
- Erik
“Life is full of struggles. Genital herpes is one of them.”
- T.V.
“Mr. Holland’s what?”
- Erik
“I’ll take the ugly ones.”
- Erik
“If we can’t find something to do I’m gonna take up smoking.”
- Erik
“I don’t want to damage my blond eyes.”
- Erik
“The pool entrance is on the 2nd floor.”
- group
“We don’t have any silverware cause ya’ll have been eatin’ them all.”
- Erik
“Elevate me.”
-Chris
“Who wants both?” - Coach
“of each?” - Piper
“I have to call my mom… I mean my girlfriend.”
- Dan Byler
“My dad was the model for the pringles guy.”
- Dan Byler
“Does he do magic tricks?” - Coach
“That’s why they call him a magician.” - Monica, the waitress
“She’d make a straight man out of me.”
- Dan Byler
“I don’t pay attention very much.”
- Piper
“He gave me the stiff one eye.”
- As Good as it Gets
- Erik
“I’m a kinky woman.”
- Matt
“Erik, do you want a vibrator? (fyi, i was referring to the vibration dampener used on tennis rackets...oops).
- Matt
“The blond on her hair is head.”
- Micah
“I saw a drummer that had no head once. Actually it was an octopus.”
- Dan Byler
“I’m allergic to water.”
- Dan Byler
“My pace is feeling.”
- Jake
“I don’t think diesel has anything to do with breaking.”
- Erik
“Life is full of struggles. Genital herpes is one of them.”
- T.V.
“Mr. Holland’s what?”
- Erik
“I’ll take the ugly ones.”
- Erik
“If we can’t find something to do I’m gonna take up smoking.”
- Erik
“I don’t want to damage my blond eyes.”
- Erik
“The pool entrance is on the 2nd floor.”
- group
“We don’t have any silverware cause ya’ll have been eatin’ them all.”
- Erik
“Elevate me.”
-Chris
“Who wants both?” - Coach
“of each?” - Piper
“I have to call my mom… I mean my girlfriend.”
- Dan Byler
“My dad was the model for the pringles guy.”
- Dan Byler
“Does he do magic tricks?” - Coach
“That’s why they call him a magician.” - Monica, the waitress
“She’d make a straight man out of me.”
- Dan Byler
“I don’t pay attention very much.”
- Piper
“He gave me the stiff one eye.”
- As Good as it Gets
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