Lions, cheetahs and bare(s) oh my!

Except for a rare exception, I haven't been able to write much since I promised that I wouldn't complain or vent...hm...interesting:) Just kidding. OK, this is what I've been up to. Yesterday I played golf. I shot a 58 on a par 35 golf course (9 holes obviously). That's 23 over par...and I'm happy about it. I realize that's pathetic and sad, but i don't care:) I will not talk about going to the gym in my effort to gain weight and I will not talk about my future moving plans. Both of those are frustrating right now and I am keeping this blog happy:) see my smile?

I saw the "movie"/documentary March of the Penguins. I did enjoy it, as I thought the penguins, especially the babies were absolutely adoreable...but seeing some of the penguins turn into popsicles in the freezing cold weather made me pretty bummed. I'm always amazed at how different animals mate, get food, nurture their young, and live their lives in general. Sometimes it's fascinating just observing the manner in which they do things. It's not that I'm impressed so much by the intellect of the animals, but just by their natural, God given sense of how to live...to survive. I've recently learned that cheetas, due to their fast metabolism, only have 3 good sprints in them to catch food. If they don't get the catch by the third try, they die. Sometimes I feel like a cheetah! Lions are a bit luckier. They have five days. The first time they go out to catch some food, they sneak up on their prey and they sprint out way to early giving all the other animals a huge headstart. The second time the lion goes out he gets a little smarter. He sneaks up on them, but when he starts chasing after them, he gets tunnel vision and will only go after the one animal he is locked in on and will end up ignoring all the other ones flying by his face. By the third try, the lion's vision expands and he catches his prey. Point is, how amazing for these animals to have this sense where they can develop these skills and learn so quickly. Granted, their survival is dependant upon it, but still, I'd love to learn things that quick.

Lastly, there are a few cultures in South America that, quite understandably, have a different sort of dress code than we do. We here in North America will cover up certain parts of our bodies so that we are not seen as being naked. No more detail is neccesary. Now, in those remote places in South America, they will wear a cord around their waist. Yes, just a cord. When asked why they wear the cord, they respond by saying, "What, and be naked?!"

An effigy continued

My Saturday night, like any other person my age (hint of sarcasm), consists of watching the Muppets Wizard of Oz followed by cleaning my apartment at 11:00 at night. Absolutely pathetic! It also consisted of some "childish behavior." Go to "the D's" website here to check out what the background is for this story. Seriously, you have to read it first, then come back here and read my follow-up of what transpires as a result of our "childishness." My story won't make sense till you read his. So...read it!

While peacefully in my slumber, I was awoken by the sound of two hot tempered, not very happy individuals. One my roommate (the self proclaimed “mature” one), the other his girlfriend. (note: Roommate from here on out will refer to the "bad" roommate, not Darrell) I will try to recount the story to the best of my recollection, however, the flow of conversation may not be fully there as 1) I don’t remember everything (having just woken up) and 2) there was a lot of repeating going on. The first words I heard of their conversation, while lying a little less peacefully in my bed, was this conversation:

Roommate: They’re just idiots! I’m sick of living with idiots!

Girlfriend: Do I just have a bad sense of humor? (referring to the clothes on the rafters)
Roommate: No, they do. (Even though the answer to the question should have been a resounding YES)
Girlfriend: Even my girlfriends who know me really well wouldn’t have done this to me. (I wanted to scream out that’s because your girlfriends know you well enough to know you would overreact and carry on like a baby...I resisted [pat myself on the back])

Girlfriend: A part of me feels really bad. I do leave my stuff around. I’m sorry (an apology to the roommate for seemingly causing this huge ordeal).
Roommate: It's not a problem deat. It’s a pigsty here, it was when I moved in. It’s like pigs complaining about dirt.

They slam the door, they leave the house, and then speed off in his car, screeching tires and all (big man). Two minutes later, I get a not so friendly knock on my door asking me if I can talk. I put a shirt on (so that they aren’t too intimidated by my HUGE muscles) and open the door. I find, in front of me, a very mild looking man, but a face that looked like it was about to blow fire from its nose. It was my roommate! I fought the urge to say, “how are you this fine and lovely day?” with a quaint smile. Mostly, I had all my lightheartedness zapped out of me when I opened that door finding my roommate leaning on my door frame, looking down at me from the kitchen about 1-2 feet from my face. My initial internal reaction? “Boy, you best be stepping away from my door and my face before I move you myself.” Luckily it didn’t come to that. He was upset, especially as his girlfriend was crying (yes she was sobbing for a good 15 minutes), so I decided to give him some leniency for being upset. After all, any guy would feel the need to protect and stand up for his girlfriend, right? Right. A conversation ensued.

Roommate: What was that all about? (Pointing to the rope that once held the infamous bathing suit) (At this point both him and his girlfriend asked me about 10 questions and kept talking).

Matt: OK. You asked a question, but you’re still talking. Do you want me to explain something or listen to you blow off steam?

Girlfriend: You know, you don’t have to say it like that!

Matt: (I roll my eyes and laugh and then carry on the conversation)

Roommate: Matt...this place is a pig sty. It has been ever since I moved in. (I noticed how he cut out his earlier phrase when he wasn't talking directly to me...you know the one about me being like a pig complaining about dirt).

Matt: Do you live here too? Then you can clean some of it up yourself too! It will get messy having three people live in one house.

Roommate: C'mon! I have cleaned the bathroom (this happened once in the six months he's lived here), I have done the dishes (...yikes, dude, seriously don't start with this...i've cleaned up after you like your mom, so don't...), I'm the only one to take out the trash (holy crap, I'm going to lose it), I had to buy a shower curtain because our other one got too dirty (oh, poor baby...welcome to life, now get over it).

(At this time I go on to tell him all of the things I do arond the house, much like two 5 year olds arguing over who's daddy is stronger...by the way, mine is. At this point I am almost yelling, but then I realized something. Explaining this to him won't do any good. It's like trying to explain stuff to the people I work with. This guy is really so delusional he probably thinks he really is the only one to do anything around here.)

Girlfriend: If you had a problem, you should have said something to me. I know I’m over here a lot, but if you had a problem…why didn’t you say something?

Matt: OK. First, I told your boyfriend that your clothes were on the couch couple of times.

Roommate: You never asked for me to pick it up or do something about it.

Matt: I didn’t think I had to connect the dots for you! She’s not my girlfriend and not my guest, she’s yours. Secondly, why didn’t I say something? Because the fact that your clothes were out there on the couch honestly wasn’t really a big deal to me. It didn’t serve as a huge annoyance, something that NEEDED to be talked about. When we put your bathing suit up, it was meant as a joke. Not a message that we hate you or that we want you out of our house (as she had previously alluded to). It was just a joke.

Girlfriend: How else am I supposed to take it? My clothes are up there. It sure seemed like you were trying to resemble me, hung up by rope on the rafters. It’s like an effigy. How am I supposed to feel safe here?

(You've got to be kidding me)

Matt: That wasn’t our intention. To be honest with you, we both thought it looked more like a stuffed turkey than anything else. (on second thought, maybe it was an effigy…hahaha…I’m a jerk).

Girlfriend: Do you feel bad at all about what you guys did? The look on your face makes it seem like you don’t even care!

Matt: First, you just woke me up, this is how I look in the morning. Secondly, no, I don’t feel bad. It was meant as a joke, not as a message. I’m sorry you are so hurt by all this, but that’s about it.

Roommate: Well, Matt. I’m going to get going. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to call the landlord and give him the month’s notice. I’m moving out.

Matt: OK (said with a sly grin)

So, one of my changes that I alluded to in other blogs will soon come to pass...my living situation...so thank you roommate numero douche for all your help!

long time no write

I haven't been writing for a while and I just recently figured out why. The reason is twofold. One, I am in a learning mode, reading books, being introspective, that kind of thing. During such a time, I generally like to just process things myself. So, I've been doing that and also chatting to some people about it to sharpen my learning. Two, I don't have much new to write lately. Everything that I have written about recently is still a major issue. Same frustrations, same questions, same everything. I don't want to continue to say the same stuff over and over again using different words. Unfortunately, I am just kind of in a rut. I need something different to happen in my life or I need to make something happen. Just not really sure the action steps to take to make such a thing happen.

Also, I am generally wired lately. Work has me annoyed, my personal life (what there is of it) is irritating, and when I come home to my place of rest and relaxation I feel exasperated. I am relatively a calm and gentle person, but lately I feel like I could just tell someone off. It's not bad to speak up and express yourself, but i'm starting to think I may be getting like my dad was. For example, "You don't like it, suck off!" Anyway, I haven't gotten to that point, yet for some reason I feel like it could happen. I remember days, days not too distant, when I used to be filled with joy and laughter. I'd feel more free and excited about life. Not that I wasn't sad or lonely during these times, but I felt more alive, like my life had more of a purpose and my soul felt stirred. Maybe during these times I didn't live so much of my life in my head. Perhaps I allowed myself to experience more of life. Needless to say, currently, I don't feel like I am allowing myself to experience much at all. And I don't know what to change.

Piggybacking on my last paragraph...I am currently in a situation where I do not feel like I am in control. Most areas of my life where I may want a change (job, where I am living, who I am living with, church, etc.) I can change! I can harbor hope that things will get better. Why? Because if it doesn't, I can make some changes and alter those things so that I am as fulfilled and satisfied as possible (i know life isn't perfect, but you get the point). However, I do not have control over having a girlfriend. Yes, this is where you say, "arghh....not this again." And I say, "now you know why i haven't been writing lately!":) It does not seem to matter what I do, I cannot get a girlfriend. I am actually losing hope that I will ever get married! Maybe I lack certain social graces, maybe I don't run in the right circles, whatever the case, I am lost. I have gone at least four years without a girlfriend. That's a long time for a funny, down to earth, good looking chap like myself! I say four years AT LEAST because my last relationship was off and on and was hardly a real relationship. If I don't include that, I haven't had a girlfriend for 7 years! Yes, I am counting the years so that I can get all of your pity! mwahahaha...you see, pity has done wonders for me...that's a different story. For the record, my off and on relationship that I referred to was with a girl who is a great person with a good heart. We just didn't and don't mesh "that way." I'm actually wrong for letting things go the way they did...just for the record.

I have gone from just living my life and trusting that "in the right time the right girl will come along" to searching for her, even by such means as online dating sites as eharmony.com. I am sure some ignorant person will say, "Matt, you can't control whether you have a girlfriend and you therefore can't control whether or not you have someone to share your life with at the current time...so just be happy with where you are at and spend time doing what you want to do, then you won't be lonely!" "Someone can say, when you stop looking for and stop worrying about a girlfriend, then that is the time that someone will come into your life." That may be true, but my one question is this: do i just ignore this gaping whole I feel in my heart? I can't fill it with something else (put your time and energy into sports or work or school) because that doesn't get to the root of the problem. It's like putting a bandaid over the cut...no worse yet, it's like putting dirt in the cut to fill the cut. It actually infects you that way. Having hobbies and things you enjoy are very important to have. That's what I wish I could do more of actually, perhaps that would make me feel more alive (see above paragraph). But those things should be a part of my life to fill other needs I have, so I can't prostitute those great things over to the whole in my heart. The whole in my heart isn't something that God should be filling either (we all have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts), so don't start giving me some bad theological christian cliche (I don't respond well to those). God isn't in just one part of my life, but He transcends into each area of my life. Through time, I am learning how to let His will happen in every aspect of my life, great and small. However, even while serving God and being close to Him, I still have a gaping whole in my heart. What am I left to do? Ignore it? (Yes, that's a rhetorical question). OK. this time i mean it, next blog will be positive!

the last frustration from Matt...for now

I am TERRIBLE at pictionary. Like there is bad, but i'm a completely new level. I was playing with some friends and I couldn't even guess truck. I mean it looked just like a truck, but all i could come up with is car...four wheel drive...limo. I did draw some real good stuff though. Like this gem (darkened for your viewing pleasure):


In case you can't tell...the answer is waterski! of course:)

Question. If there are clients who cannot buckle their own seatbelts, cannot turn off the phone, and cannot unclog their own toilets, do you think it's possible that they may need more help than I am able to give them? Perhaps we should have trainings for things like this? YIKES. I actually held a training on how to turn the power button off on a coffee pot. No joke. It's amusing...up to a point.

Church frustration I have begun reading a book entitled "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian D. McLarsen. It's a fiction book in that it's a novel, but it's kind of non-fiction for the content. It is a highly criticized book which tells me it's either heretical or dead-on balls accurate (sometimes people just cannot handle convicting truth). I don't agree with everything he says per se, but I do like his premise for writing. I like this quote: "What if our personal experiences of frustration are surface manifestations of a deeper movement of God's Spirit?" It makes me wonder if perhaps the Holy Spirit is frustrated Himself, and desires to impart change through us. That could be exciting...though it will possibly mean a willingness for us to break free from what the prophet Jeremiah calls, "our old wineskins." (Things that the church has placed undue and unneeded emphasis on in our church tradition)

One paragraph in the introduction reads as such: "You can't talk about this sort of thing with just anybody. People worry about you. They may think you're changing sides, turning traitor. They may talk about you as if you came down with some communicable disease. So you keep this sort of thing like a dirty secret, this doubt that is not really a doubt about God or Jesus or faith but about our take on God, our version of Jesus, our way of faith. You let it out only when you found someone you can trust." In our postmodern worldview, we have a different way of looking at life, politics, religion, and the world in general than people of medieval times for instance. Not saying Christianity is untrue, but I am saying that we should have the freedom to think. The freedom to be intellectually (and spiritually) honest with ourselves and wrestle with questions that don't fit into the theological, pigeon-holed framework that we have developed. Since when does being a Christian give license to stop thinking critically? The point is not to revolt against evangelicalism or mainstream christianity. The point is to get out of the mold of just thinking like everyone else and accepting pat answers, cliches and platitudes that sound nice, but when you get into the real world, don't amount for crap! God is too big, too majestic! And for us to see more of God and His beauty, we should all explore the Scriptures, search our own hearts and contribute something (something perhaps new and invigorating) to the church. Wow, i'm complaining a lot about church stuff it seems...in actuality, i love the church. Well, hopefully i got that off my chest. I have more good stuff to say than negative believe it or not. You'll have to keep reading to find out:)

the ugly duckling

Personal frustration It's been a while since my last entry. Too much is going on externally and internally to even know what to write about. Many changes are taking place in the near future. I will be changing my living situation and location. But I am not sure when or any of the details behind it as of yet. I may be changing my church. I'm not sure yet, but i guess we'll see shortly. I may be changing my job as well. If so, am I getting another job? Going to seminary? I don't know. Either way, I need some money so that if I don't get married some day I will at least have enough money to adopt and raise a kid myself. I will have my own family even if I have to construct it myself dammit! (yes I just swore, get over it). Having faith that God will help me out in this area is tough for me right now I admit. He's always been faithful, yet my pain pushes me closer to doubt. I feel like for me to have an opportunity to experience mutual love with a girl, it will have to come from me doing everything just right and making it happen myself. That's a bad way to feel and too much pressure. I won't go into my sob story about how I feel like girls just don't see what I great guy I am. But...THEY DON'T! Yes, many of you who know me can attest I have many many annoying attributes that are a part of who I am. Whether it's my body that you find replusing or my sense of humor that irks you so, i don't care. My body is finely chiseled machine and I make myself laugh. Nevertheless (or is it nonetheless, i can never remember) I don't feel valued, understood or appreciated for who I truly am and what I have to offer. When you feel like nobody gets you, it sucks. I wasn't made to be alone, and though I am trying to learn and grow in the season I am in, I have grown quite annoyed by the season and want it changed (much like my roommate who is hating summer and is eagerly anticipating and longing for fall). I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship...hell, i feel like i have a lot to offer to the world. But still, for some reason, I just keep flowing along with me life, letting time pass me by. At times, hiding from life because it doesn't hurt as much when I hide. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I am just lonely without anyone to share myself with. There is someone who genuinely seems to understand many frustrations, but she is married and I have to be careful getting to close to her. I am sure there are others too, but right now I just feel lost with the whole thing. I just don't feel like i fit in anywhere. It's not that I feel like the world is passing me by and everyone is going on ahead without me. Instead I feel like I am charting waters that have not often been crossed and nobody will go with me. I feel like the odd (ugly) duckling who just doesn't have a place to swim (nor anyone to swim with).

lowered expectations

Ahh...this is too funny. This guy would so get a job in my field:) OK, so I need a new job where I will make more money. I am not vain nor am i all into money. However, I don't see how I will ever be able to save money (and eventually help supply for my family) when I get paid in peanuts. So does anyone know of any jobs out there?

How difficult it is to love others while being wronged by them! How difficult it is to be humble, to not fight for "what is rightfully yours" (after all, you don't deserve to be treated like this!), how difficult it is to not defend yourself, or talk behind someone's back. I have spent time alone with God asking if there is something that I need to repent of. Asking Him if I am in the wrong...and to the best of my knowledge, I don't think so. But that doesn't matter. The heart of Jesus intrigues me. I don't understand how He could live in this world and respond to people the way He did. Hm...

Lastly, I spoke before about the fact that we all have certain needs. I will go one step further and say that we all have many God-given needs. The need for peace, the need for physical and emotional and spiritual intimacy with someone of the opposite sex, and many other needs. OK. Needs that we have are not bad, after all, they are God-given. The needs are good, the problem is the manner in which we attend to getting those needs met. For example, the person who drowns their nights away in alcohol to "forget about this world" and to seek a form of peace (even if it is a state of ignorant bliss) have needs that they are trying to meet in a manner that will not ultimately satisfy their needs, but mask their craving for it. The need to be loved and feel loved is the reason many people have sex before marriage. A healthy need being met in an unhealthy way. I don't blame people for doing these things. I am not a sheltered individual. I am not delusional either (i don't think). Life is rough, and sometimes we take what we can get. Though there is a better way that will lead to wholeness, it's not always that easy to see. That's it for now. GOODNIGHT!

minor frustration...

Monday night--It strikes me funny how I get as many comments on my 4 sentence power outage blog, as when I wrote a huge story about being "undone." odd. Anyway, i have many feelings/emotions right now, none of which i will share. I, the writer of this entry, deem it best to not say anything at all, especially since I don't have anything good to say. I have a day off tomorrow and have tons of work i have to get done. I wish a day off could be a day off. I go to my job and I work. I come home on a day off, and I work. I may need some fun and excitement in my life.

Tuesday night--I am so tired of hearing that atrocities, bad things that happen to good people, and other terrible "unfair" things that happen in this world are the reasons some people have (religion) faith in a God and why other's do not. First off, I'll clear up a misconception about Christians. The reason that Christians believe in God, specifically Jesus, is not because we need a crutch for comfort during difficult times. We believe in Him because He is true and He is real. Christianity makes a truth claim and that is it. Love it or leave it. Second, I cannot express in words how much it irks me that people do not believe in God because of atrocities (ie. tsunami). I am not mad at people who cannot believe in God because of this. Hey, if I thought, like many calvinists, that God was behind every act, working it all out for an ultimate good, then I wouldn't want any part of God either. That is the normal Christian view nowadays, but I think it is a gross misrepresentation of God's character. God can redeem evil, but He is not the author or the cause of it. C.S. Lewis stated, "every square inch of the cosmos is claimed by Satan and counterclaimed by God." In case you can't tell, we are living in a battlefield, not just a nice little world preparing us for heaven. I won't go into my treatise on this right now, but suffice it to say that any non-christian who is having a hard time believing in a God who would take their dad away when they were five, or kill thousands of people in a tsunami, or give someone a terminal illness, then I have to say, I don't believe in that God either! I believe in the God that the Bible depicts through the person of Jesus. I will carry this thought deeper at another time. I just wanted to get out my frustration over a popular, yet incorrect view (in my opinion) of God.