Since I know there are some out there who do read my blog, I don't want to complain, be negative, and be a downer. I don't like doing that, however, it's how I feel right now. To be honest, I'm using the blog right now as my own little journal, a way to get off my chest stuff that I am not telling anyone. So I confide in my online journal. I'm trying to be positive with everything, but it's getting harder to do that. It's kind of like...the longer you are depressed, the more work it takes to get out of that situation. And I know this shouldn't be bothering me, but it is right now, so deal.
I realized tonight that I do actually have a fear of rejejction with girls. I didn't realize it was that strong, but i do. I was going to im a girl from some website just to say hi, but I was expecting her to not talk to me. However, I noticed on her away message she was watching "The Patriot" which is one of my favorite movies, so before i could be smart enough to keep to myself, I sent her an im telling her I love that movie. She immediately responds, asks me who I am, and we chat for a minute or two. When she asks for my profile name on the online dating site, I tell her what it is, and then...she stops talking to me completely. It happened AS SOON as I told her my profile name. She looked it up and bam! End of conversation. Stuff like that happens a lot which makes me fear rejection. I'm not good looking enough, I don't have enough money, etc. To some girls in the past who got to know me, they must not have liked my personality either. I ask my girl friends what they think I need to change, and I'm either perfect or they aren't being honest with me. I bet it's the latter. I'm so confused. What the .... Aye...End of transmission.
I want a woman with whom I can be intimate with (yes, and marry her). I want to be a father. I just want a chance to love and be loved a little in return. I want to have my own family. I think that's part of the reason I am having a difficult time sleeping. That's part of the reason I feel uneasy and not at rest. Sure, I am 25, so what reason do i have to be scared that I will not get married? I guess I don't, but the fact that I haven't had a date in 6 years may have something to do with it. I just want someone to call me their husband. I want someone to call me, "dad." I don't need this to happen tomorrow, but I don't even see the possibility. I'm trying to do my own thing and keep myself busy and enjoy life...yup, I am trying...ugh. gosh i hate this.
I don't think people know what's going on inside of me. I don't think anybody does. Why I am having these feelings. I can smile and pretend I am ok, but really be hurting in my heart.
4 comments:
Matt, I assure you that people at Gordon had money...
You're not being honest. Haven't had a date in 6 years? There are a few women that might have considered their time with you as an intimate time, even if there weren't candles and a violinist.
Here's this: are you sure that hearing "husband" and "father" are what you really want? Or is it that those words are what you think would make you feel affirmed that you are lovable. If it's love you're looking to feel, you can't get it from a woman. They won't fill you up in the way you want. I tried with Jill and even thought I would succeed. God has something better in mind for you. Do ya' trust him?
yeah, i honestly can't think of girls with whom I had a mutual date. It used to be that I maybe wanted to hear the words "husband" and "father" to be affirmed. Now, it's more that I want the opportunity to share my life with them and to love them. It's honestly not that I am trying to feel affirmed by a girls love. Now, to your other question, do I trust God? I am not sure I do, and I don't know how to change that.
thanks deb...First of all, it didn't have much to do at all with talking to you the other night. I had written that blog earlier. By the way, as far as your toe is concerned, I think you had it coming to you. :)
"When she asks for my profile name on the online dating site, I tell her what it is, and then...she stops talking to me completely. It happened AS SOON as I told her my profile name. She looked it up and bam! End of conversation."
This has happened to me more times than I'd like to remember. In fact, just reading that it happened to you reminded me of the last time it happened to me and then how sick to the stomach it makes me feel. I get all nauseous and shaky. Then I get mad. Mad at myself for letting someone else's actions affecting me so profoundly. It's not pretty.
Bottom line: 100 Nos will be worth that 1 Yes. The 1 Yes that will come when the time is right. And you'll know then, that it was worth the wait/rejection. (At least, I hope so. For both our sakes.)
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