Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Monday, February 06, 2006

quick recap of Super Bowl XL

Seahawks=missed opportunities. Some costly penalties, dropped passes and missed coverages.

Steelers=Big Ben was terrible. Their 3-4 defense did well against the run, even on the left side of the dominant Seattle offensive line. Lucky.

The referees stole the opportunity for Seattle to win the game. Not only were some of the calls bad, but the timing of the calls was terrible. It would have been nice to see the refs not influence the game so much. If this would have happened to the Patriots, I'd still be frothing at the mouth. However, right now I just feel bad for Seattle.

I thought the commercials were better than people give them credit for.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

girls

Since I know there are some out there who do read my blog, I don't want to complain, be negative, and be a downer. I don't like doing that, however, it's how I feel right now. To be honest, I'm using the blog right now as my own little journal, a way to get off my chest stuff that I am not telling anyone. So I confide in my online journal. I'm trying to be positive with everything, but it's getting harder to do that. It's kind of like...the longer you are depressed, the more work it takes to get out of that situation. And I know this shouldn't be bothering me, but it is right now, so deal.

I realized tonight that I do actually have a fear of rejejction with girls. I didn't realize it was that strong, but i do. I was going to im a girl from some website just to say hi, but I was expecting her to not talk to me. However, I noticed on her away message she was watching "The Patriot" which is one of my favorite movies, so before i could be smart enough to keep to myself, I sent her an im telling her I love that movie. She immediately responds, asks me who I am, and we chat for a minute or two. When she asks for my profile name on the online dating site, I tell her what it is, and then...she stops talking to me completely. It happened AS SOON as I told her my profile name. She looked it up and bam! End of conversation. Stuff like that happens a lot which makes me fear rejection. I'm not good looking enough, I don't have enough money, etc. To some girls in the past who got to know me, they must not have liked my personality either. I ask my girl friends what they think I need to change, and I'm either perfect or they aren't being honest with me. I bet it's the latter. I'm so confused. What the .... Aye...End of transmission.

I want a woman with whom I can be intimate with (yes, and marry her). I want to be a father. I just want a chance to love and be loved a little in return. I want to have my own family. I think that's part of the reason I am having a difficult time sleeping. That's part of the reason I feel uneasy and not at rest. Sure, I am 25, so what reason do i have to be scared that I will not get married? I guess I don't, but the fact that I haven't had a date in 6 years may have something to do with it. I just want someone to call me their husband. I want someone to call me, "dad." I don't need this to happen tomorrow, but I don't even see the possibility. I'm trying to do my own thing and keep myself busy and enjoy life...yup, I am trying...ugh. gosh i hate this.

I don't think people know what's going on inside of me. I don't think anybody does. Why I am having these feelings. I can smile and pretend I am ok, but really be hurting in my heart.