Mourning into dancing?

There are people dying, people very very sick, people without two pennies (wow I am glad I read this over before posting it) to rub together (by the way, if one had two pennies, why would they spend their time rubbing them together...it doesn't make sense...unless they are trying to cause friction to produce heat! I'm a certified genius). So, what do i have to complain about? I have a lot to be thankful for, yet still I feel miserable. Perhaps I am a little spoiled. I confess that to be a possibility. I just don't know how to get over this "feeling." I know how I should feel and what I should do and that I shouldn't focus on the negative, but really just focus on whatever it is that my life is supossed to be about. With that perspective, i must actually be feeling really well...right? I went to work for a couple hours today, then to the gym, then to play a round of golf (in a very muddy, wet course...it was a lot of fun!), then out to eat at 99, then to the beach, then to my apartment. I am trying...I really am! I'm trying to go out and not just sit in my room. I'm trying to be around people. I'm trying to research some different groups so that perhaps I could get involved with some like minded people. So far things just aren't going that well. I like having my alone time, but when I do EVERYTHING alone, it gets depressing. People are wired differently and I am wired in such a manner that I don't function well that way. I am trying to spend time with others, but that does not by default cure loneliness. It just cures isolation. Sometimes loneliness is magnified when NOT in isolation, which i don't understand.

When I got to my apartment after my eventful day, I was welcomed by a large group of college aged kids who were having a loud party downstairs. I remembered my college days when I could fit 10 of my closest friends all in a room and play games. I thought of how to include myself in their party when I realized that I could not possibly conceive of a way to pull that off and not make it the most awkard thing in the world for everyone involved. My roommate, whom I don't see except on the weekends when his girlfriend is over, was in his room spending some time with his special lady friend. I think they were watching a movie, and I would have liked to have watched it with them, but they were definitely sending out the "do not disturb" vibe.

I know everyone says that you can't compare people's problems. "The grass is always greener on the other side" and the magnitude of problems are really "in the eye of the beholder" (or perhaps the bearer of the problem). Everyone says they know how i feel, but you don't. I don't know how you feel. However, the nagging, constant ache in one's heart...in my heart, due to loneliness is becoming overwhelming. It reveals itself the most in not having a girlfriend to really share my life with and with whom I can lavish my love on. In the past few weeks, I realized that a wife can understand who you are and know more about you than anyone else in the world...and still can't fully know you. As Donald Miller says in Blue Like Jazz, "there's some places only God can go." Seeing it from that light gave me a healthier perspective on marriage, and yet made me long for it all the more. I expect life to be much more difficult with a wife and with children. However, more fulfilling and rich as well. Being able to pour your life loving your family is one of the greatest blessings we have and best examples of the heart and intimacy of God. That life with be much more challenging, but deep in my soul, I long to fight and be a warrior for the heart of my wife and my child. Which brings me to a quick side note:

In the movie Amadeus, the life of Mozart was told. Mozart, the God-inspired musician was deeply envied by Antonio Salieri. Antonio Salieri wanted to praise God through composing, and he couldn't understand why the Lord seemed to have put His hand of blessing on Mozart, who Salieri saw as a vulgar creature. Salieri got pissed at Mozart and he got pissed at God. One line in particular stuck with me...though I can't remember it word for word, I can pull off a loose translation (maybe it didn't stick with me so well). Salieri cries out to God, "Why have you given me such desire to compose the most beautiful symphonies for you, but not provide me with the ability. I realize the parallel can break down at points, but it doesn't matter. It makes me think of my future wife (see, I can be positive!). I have a strong desire to marry (I believe solid/good reasons) and even believe I have God-given gifts in being a father and a husband. Yet, I feel like I lack the opportunity. While I don't picture myself cursing God and making it a point to be God's enemy anytime soon, I can't help but relate to Salieris' frustration.

I know married couples have problems, many of which are far worse than any of my daily problems. However, they do have one thing. They have each other. The way it was supossed to be so that man didn't have to be alone in the world. God did that for a reason. Because loneliness is debilitating. When people are not loving and being loved in such an intimacy, humans will border on insanity. What can man do when that love is not in his forseeable horizon? Find a community to lessen his burden. Join together and encourage one another. What can man do when that community is not in his forseeable horizon? The common answer is to try to escape it. Do something that will make you forget how hurt you are. That will make you forget how lost you feel. Whether it's watching tv or doing drugs, anything that can just get you through another day. The road less traveled is this. To press through this dark season of the soul by going "balls to the wall" with God. (I love that expression even more when used in that context...haha). Sacrifice every possible means and vehicle that you use as a way to "escape" from how you feel. Refuse to escape. Confront the reality of life before you and be forced to feel, to hurt, to cry. Force yourself into the ever-waiting arms of Jesus.