Here's a reason I hate soccer. I will watch 85 out of the 90 minutes. The five minutes i get up to get something to eat, i miss the goal. Happens everytime.
I met a guy at the gym a week ago. Wow...that did not sound good. What I mean is that there is a guy who i was spotting at the gym today and I come to find out that he is a personal trainer. He seemed to know what he was talking about as far as weight lifting and nutrition went, so he's gonna be helping me out for a while. Get a good routine going, eat right, get proper form. So I'm excited about that, I think. my lowest weight is 163 now, though it's hard to maintain weight during the summer with all the sweating...hm....I'll do what I can.
OK. So neither of those reasons are why I hate my life. And I realize that I have A LOT to be thankful for, but I guess I am currently in a fragile state right now. And the only reason I have the "courage" to open up like this is because I can pretend I am just writing to myself, even though it's open for the whole world to see. I was talking to a friend last night and reminded myself of something while talking to this person. 1) I'm currently trying to avoid and escape life. I sleep a lot or I watch a lot of tv just to distract me so I can make it through another day. It's a 2-d life. One that does not seem very real or "alive." However, it's less painful. I escape my emotions at all cost. 2) It also reminded me how fake I have been. I have always been real and genuine and honest. However, in order to make it so people don't get sick of talking to me, I pretend to be happy. I'm trying to write about happier things and fake myself into a state of happiness. I am not going to do something to harm myself in any way, so no worries there. But in all honesty, I have times where I just don't care to be alive. How can I try to live a full life as God intended when I am just trying to survive?
I also am getting the impression I should just resign myself to being single. I am losing hope and can't seem to trust in Him.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Words cannot be found
Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
Searching for answers while the dancers dance and the prancers prance
Guys telling lies just to get in her pants
While their wives at home dare to take their own lives
It’s all a game of fame for their own great name
You breed for your seed but have no courage to lead
You’re a dad, take a stand, rise up, be a man!
Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
The Lord of Power, my Strong Tower has left me feeling sour for more than an hour
No Light to give me sight so I can stay in this fight
Gettin’ beat up beat down beat all around
I groan and bemoan another night all alone
When I wake I shake at the thought of how I’ll make it
Fake it? ...For goodness sake, I need a break
I don’t feel alive, I’m just trying to survive...
Searching for answers while the dancers dance and the prancers prance
Guys telling lies just to get in her pants
While their wives at home dare to take their own lives
It’s all a game of fame for their own great name
You breed for your seed but have no courage to lead
You’re a dad, take a stand, rise up, be a man!
Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
The Lord of Power, my Strong Tower has left me feeling sour for more than an hour
No Light to give me sight so I can stay in this fight
Gettin’ beat up beat down beat all around
I groan and bemoan another night all alone
When I wake I shake at the thought of how I’ll make it
Fake it? ...For goodness sake, I need a break
I don’t feel alive, I’m just trying to survive...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
circumventing
As usual, this will be a whole bunch of non-linear thoughts because...well, that's just how my brain has been working lately.
My most hated movie line (from the movie Match Point): The innocent are sometimes slain to make way for grander schemes. You were collateral damage.
I heard reports of a centipede in my apartment that crawled it's way out from under the futon in the kitchen. Needless to say I spent half the night turning furniture over to make sure that there were no more centipedes in the apartment. I didn't want any rude awakening in the middle of the night. I also happened to cross paths with one HUGE ant...I'm pretty sure it could have taken me.
At about midnight I walked through downtown Salem and down some less populated streets as well. What in the world was I thinking? Skinny goofy looking white kid should not be walking alone in the middle of Salem in the middle of the night. Yikes.
I think I need to start listening to my gut more than my head.
I used to smile a lot more. I think I used to be happier. Circumstances probably weren't better in my life, but I was happier. Now it seems the best I can do is just let out a half-smile so that people won't be concerned that something must be wrong.
I remember my first year of college. One night, my girlfriend called and broke up with me over the phone. Throughout the semester, the guys on my floor helped me through it. I mean, they were guys being guys, they weren't counseling me, but even that really helped a lot. I think it was just the fact that I had a group of guys that I was getting closer to that I could spend time with and goof off with. Just by having friends to hang out with I was able to take my mind off of my problems. They made me sit through a movie called, "Swingers." These guys help their friend get back "into the circuit" right after his girlfriend breaks up with him and he thinks his life is over. I've been thinking about how my friends freshman year brought me back to a place where I didn't think my life was over. At the time, I didn't realize how blessed I was to have them. What a blessing friends are! I've been blessed with great friends at different times in my life. The problem with meeting new friends is that it's not easy...yet, so simple! When you have great friends or you have a boy/girl friend, you probably weren't out looking for these people. You didn't go out with the intent to find these people. Finding your mate often happens naturally and that is the case with friends as well. It's hard to do something about being lonely, because friends usually "just happen" when you are living your life. My problem is I am having difficulty really living my life. This past weekend I slept a total of 24 hours in a 48 hour period. Someone's not motivated.
My most hated movie line (from the movie Match Point): The innocent are sometimes slain to make way for grander schemes. You were collateral damage.
I heard reports of a centipede in my apartment that crawled it's way out from under the futon in the kitchen. Needless to say I spent half the night turning furniture over to make sure that there were no more centipedes in the apartment. I didn't want any rude awakening in the middle of the night. I also happened to cross paths with one HUGE ant...I'm pretty sure it could have taken me.
At about midnight I walked through downtown Salem and down some less populated streets as well. What in the world was I thinking? Skinny goofy looking white kid should not be walking alone in the middle of Salem in the middle of the night. Yikes.
I think I need to start listening to my gut more than my head.
I used to smile a lot more. I think I used to be happier. Circumstances probably weren't better in my life, but I was happier. Now it seems the best I can do is just let out a half-smile so that people won't be concerned that something must be wrong.
I remember my first year of college. One night, my girlfriend called and broke up with me over the phone. Throughout the semester, the guys on my floor helped me through it. I mean, they were guys being guys, they weren't counseling me, but even that really helped a lot. I think it was just the fact that I had a group of guys that I was getting closer to that I could spend time with and goof off with. Just by having friends to hang out with I was able to take my mind off of my problems. They made me sit through a movie called, "Swingers." These guys help their friend get back "into the circuit" right after his girlfriend breaks up with him and he thinks his life is over. I've been thinking about how my friends freshman year brought me back to a place where I didn't think my life was over. At the time, I didn't realize how blessed I was to have them. What a blessing friends are! I've been blessed with great friends at different times in my life. The problem with meeting new friends is that it's not easy...yet, so simple! When you have great friends or you have a boy/girl friend, you probably weren't out looking for these people. You didn't go out with the intent to find these people. Finding your mate often happens naturally and that is the case with friends as well. It's hard to do something about being lonely, because friends usually "just happen" when you are living your life. My problem is I am having difficulty really living my life. This past weekend I slept a total of 24 hours in a 48 hour period. Someone's not motivated.
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