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Growing is painful...but life is good.

life sucks

Here's a reason I hate soccer. I will watch 85 out of the 90 minutes. The five minutes i get up to get something to eat, i miss the goal. Happens everytime.

I met a guy at the gym a week ago. Wow...that did not sound good. What I mean is that there is a guy who i was spotting at the gym today and I come to find out that he is a personal trainer. He seemed to know what he was talking about as far as weight lifting and nutrition went, so he's gonna be helping me out for a while. Get a good routine going, eat right, get proper form. So I'm excited about that, I think. my lowest weight is 163 now, though it's hard to maintain weight during the summer with all the sweating...hm....I'll do what I can.

OK. So neither of those reasons are why I hate my life. And I realize that I have A LOT to be thankful for, but I guess I am currently in a fragile state right now. And the only reason I have the "courage" to open up like this is because I can pretend I am just writing to myself, even though it's open for the whole world to see. I was talking to a friend last night and reminded myself of something while talking to this person. 1) I'm currently trying to avoid and escape life. I sleep a lot or I watch a lot of tv just to distract me so I can make it through another day. It's a 2-d life. One that does not seem very real or "alive." However, it's less painful. I escape my emotions at all cost. 2) It also reminded me how fake I have been. I have always been real and genuine and honest. However, in order to make it so people don't get sick of talking to me, I pretend to be happy. I'm trying to write about happier things and fake myself into a state of happiness. I am not going to do something to harm myself in any way, so no worries there. But in all honesty, I have times where I just don't care to be alive. How can I try to live a full life as God intended when I am just trying to survive?

I also am getting the impression I should just resign myself to being single. I am losing hope and can't seem to trust in Him.

Words cannot be found

Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
Searching for answers while the dancers dance and the prancers prance
Guys telling lies just to get in her pants
While their wives at home dare to take their own lives
It’s all a game of fame for their own great name
You breed for your seed but have no courage to lead
You’re a dad, take a stand, rise up, be a man!

Words cannot be found so I pound the ground in a fit of rage
The Lord of Power, my Strong Tower has left me feeling sour for more than an hour
No Light to give me sight so I can stay in this fight
Gettin’ beat up beat down beat all around
I groan and bemoan another night all alone
When I wake I shake at the thought of how I’ll make it
Fake it? ...For goodness sake, I need a break
I don’t feel alive, I’m just trying to survive...

circumventing

As usual, this will be a whole bunch of non-linear thoughts because...well, that's just how my brain has been working lately.

My most hated movie line (from the movie Match Point): The innocent are sometimes slain to make way for grander schemes. You were collateral damage.

I heard reports of a centipede in my apartment that crawled it's way out from under the futon in the kitchen. Needless to say I spent half the night turning furniture over to make sure that there were no more centipedes in the apartment. I didn't want any rude awakening in the middle of the night. I also happened to cross paths with one HUGE ant...I'm pretty sure it could have taken me.

At about midnight I walked through downtown Salem and down some less populated streets as well. What in the world was I thinking? Skinny goofy looking white kid should not be walking alone in the middle of Salem in the middle of the night. Yikes.

I think I need to start listening to my gut more than my head.

I used to smile a lot more. I think I used to be happier. Circumstances probably weren't better in my life, but I was happier. Now it seems the best I can do is just let out a half-smile so that people won't be concerned that something must be wrong.

I remember my first year of college. One night, my girlfriend called and broke up with me over the phone. Throughout the semester, the guys on my floor helped me through it. I mean, they were guys being guys, they weren't counseling me, but even that really helped a lot. I think it was just the fact that I had a group of guys that I was getting closer to that I could spend time with and goof off with. Just by having friends to hang out with I was able to take my mind off of my problems. They made me sit through a movie called, "Swingers." These guys help their friend get back "into the circuit" right after his girlfriend breaks up with him and he thinks his life is over. I've been thinking about how my friends freshman year brought me back to a place where I didn't think my life was over. At the time, I didn't realize how blessed I was to have them. What a blessing friends are! I've been blessed with great friends at different times in my life. The problem with meeting new friends is that it's not easy...yet, so simple! When you have great friends or you have a boy/girl friend, you probably weren't out looking for these people. You didn't go out with the intent to find these people. Finding your mate often happens naturally and that is the case with friends as well. It's hard to do something about being lonely, because friends usually "just happen" when you are living your life. My problem is I am having difficulty really living my life. This past weekend I slept a total of 24 hours in a 48 hour period. Someone's not motivated.

from safe-mode to drinking songs to drinking mode

I'm in safe-mode in my life right now. Planning my life, staying with a good job that will provide flexibility while I get my Master's of Divinity Degree. Staying in this area for seminary, my job, and my parents. Safe isn't bad, it's probably very wise right now. Yet, there is a part in me that is longing for adventure. It longs for travel, it longs for nature, it longs for something different. My heart is growing colder and harder to the things of the Spirit instead of more sensitive. That is kind of scary to me.

I used to never care what people thought of me and that was an attractive quality that I had. I care more now, and I'm not sure why. I wonder what has changed. If it has been my focus and goals in life or what is most imortant to me or my perspective of life and people in general.

OK. You know how Christian music takes mainstream music genres and just adds Christian lyrics to them? You know what I mean. There's "Christian" Rock, "Christian" Rap, "Christian" pop. Well, while driving back to my apartment tonight, a great thought occurred to me. There should be "Christian" Irish Drinking Songs! That's right. You heard it here first folks. Steal my idea and either suffer my wrath or give me 50% of the profits. You know what kind of songs that I do like? No? Let me tell you. I really like those Irish/Celtic folk songs. I can't describe it any better than that.

There's something about a girl who smells good...

I had a busy weekend. I drove into boston to see X-men 3. I enjoyed the drive, I enjoyed being in boston and the company I was with, but the movie was eh. I didn't have a problem finding the movie theatre, but my return trip home was not without some mistakes. I had a difficult time trying to find my car in the parking lot and then I made a couple of wrong turns (1 into a bad part of boston). I didn't make it back to my apartment until 4am (movie started at 12:01am). The problem was that I needed to eat more food to get some more calories into my tiny body, so to keep me entertained I watched another movie and didn't get to sleep until 6am. The following morning, 24 hours later, I had to be up at 6am in order to make it to a wedding in N.Y. It was a nice wedding. The girl getting married was a girl that I was quite fond of for four years in college, so it had the possibility of being quite awkward. As truth would have it, I was just very happy for her and that was the extent of my emotions about it. It seems like I spend a lot of time thinking of my parents when I'm at weddings. I spend time thinking of how much I wish they could share in that experience with me (at my wedding). I very much enjoyed catching up with two guy friends I had from college while at the wedding. These two friends and I decided to take it upon ourselves to make sure that we, at least, were properly "equipped" for the reception. The wedding had good food, but no alcohol. A Christian wedding with no alcohol! That's heretical! Yet, we later found out that there was a bar downstairs, so all was well in the world.

Mourning into dancing?

There are people dying, people very very sick, people without two pennies (wow I am glad I read this over before posting it) to rub together (by the way, if one had two pennies, why would they spend their time rubbing them together...it doesn't make sense...unless they are trying to cause friction to produce heat! I'm a certified genius). So, what do i have to complain about? I have a lot to be thankful for, yet still I feel miserable. Perhaps I am a little spoiled. I confess that to be a possibility. I just don't know how to get over this "feeling." I know how I should feel and what I should do and that I shouldn't focus on the negative, but really just focus on whatever it is that my life is supossed to be about. With that perspective, i must actually be feeling really well...right? I went to work for a couple hours today, then to the gym, then to play a round of golf (in a very muddy, wet course...it was a lot of fun!), then out to eat at 99, then to the beach, then to my apartment. I am trying...I really am! I'm trying to go out and not just sit in my room. I'm trying to be around people. I'm trying to research some different groups so that perhaps I could get involved with some like minded people. So far things just aren't going that well. I like having my alone time, but when I do EVERYTHING alone, it gets depressing. People are wired differently and I am wired in such a manner that I don't function well that way. I am trying to spend time with others, but that does not by default cure loneliness. It just cures isolation. Sometimes loneliness is magnified when NOT in isolation, which i don't understand.

When I got to my apartment after my eventful day, I was welcomed by a large group of college aged kids who were having a loud party downstairs. I remembered my college days when I could fit 10 of my closest friends all in a room and play games. I thought of how to include myself in their party when I realized that I could not possibly conceive of a way to pull that off and not make it the most awkard thing in the world for everyone involved. My roommate, whom I don't see except on the weekends when his girlfriend is over, was in his room spending some time with his special lady friend. I think they were watching a movie, and I would have liked to have watched it with them, but they were definitely sending out the "do not disturb" vibe.

I know everyone says that you can't compare people's problems. "The grass is always greener on the other side" and the magnitude of problems are really "in the eye of the beholder" (or perhaps the bearer of the problem). Everyone says they know how i feel, but you don't. I don't know how you feel. However, the nagging, constant ache in one's heart...in my heart, due to loneliness is becoming overwhelming. It reveals itself the most in not having a girlfriend to really share my life with and with whom I can lavish my love on. In the past few weeks, I realized that a wife can understand who you are and know more about you than anyone else in the world...and still can't fully know you. As Donald Miller says in Blue Like Jazz, "there's some places only God can go." Seeing it from that light gave me a healthier perspective on marriage, and yet made me long for it all the more. I expect life to be much more difficult with a wife and with children. However, more fulfilling and rich as well. Being able to pour your life loving your family is one of the greatest blessings we have and best examples of the heart and intimacy of God. That life with be much more challenging, but deep in my soul, I long to fight and be a warrior for the heart of my wife and my child. Which brings me to a quick side note:

In the movie Amadeus, the life of Mozart was told. Mozart, the God-inspired musician was deeply envied by Antonio Salieri. Antonio Salieri wanted to praise God through composing, and he couldn't understand why the Lord seemed to have put His hand of blessing on Mozart, who Salieri saw as a vulgar creature. Salieri got pissed at Mozart and he got pissed at God. One line in particular stuck with me...though I can't remember it word for word, I can pull off a loose translation (maybe it didn't stick with me so well). Salieri cries out to God, "Why have you given me such desire to compose the most beautiful symphonies for you, but not provide me with the ability. I realize the parallel can break down at points, but it doesn't matter. It makes me think of my future wife (see, I can be positive!). I have a strong desire to marry (I believe solid/good reasons) and even believe I have God-given gifts in being a father and a husband. Yet, I feel like I lack the opportunity. While I don't picture myself cursing God and making it a point to be God's enemy anytime soon, I can't help but relate to Salieris' frustration.

I know married couples have problems, many of which are far worse than any of my daily problems. However, they do have one thing. They have each other. The way it was supossed to be so that man didn't have to be alone in the world. God did that for a reason. Because loneliness is debilitating. When people are not loving and being loved in such an intimacy, humans will border on insanity. What can man do when that love is not in his forseeable horizon? Find a community to lessen his burden. Join together and encourage one another. What can man do when that community is not in his forseeable horizon? The common answer is to try to escape it. Do something that will make you forget how hurt you are. That will make you forget how lost you feel. Whether it's watching tv or doing drugs, anything that can just get you through another day. The road less traveled is this. To press through this dark season of the soul by going "balls to the wall" with God. (I love that expression even more when used in that context...haha). Sacrifice every possible means and vehicle that you use as a way to "escape" from how you feel. Refuse to escape. Confront the reality of life before you and be forced to feel, to hurt, to cry. Force yourself into the ever-waiting arms of Jesus.

update

What I've been up to: I attended my first karaoke bar thingy while visiting my old roommate. I, of course, didn't sing. However, it was fun to watch everyone else. The week before, I attended a funeral for one of my best childhood friends growing up. He committed suicide after shooting his girlfriend.

Current goals: I'm going to say yes to almost everything that I am invited to. I will make it a point to go out of my comfort zone and find opportunities for fellowship. I will spend some more time in nature. I will look into sports groups that may be developing so that I can get involved that way as well. I may find an occasional job to get some extra money. I may take some classes at gordon conwell seminary. I hope to do that latter, but am not sure if it can work out.

Current decisions: Do I stay or do i go now? Do i stay or do i go? I am currently living in Salem. I was living at home to spend some time with my parents, but 1) I am not motivated to do anything at all when i am at home and 2) there is not a lot of opportunity for social interaction in that part of the state. So I moved to Salem knowing that i could and will still spend time with my parents on some weekends and do stuff then. So far I am not happy with being here, but i want to give it a chance. I'd prefer to have a studio apartment, but studios are super expensive around these parts. I'd like to have my alone time at my own place and then be intentional about hanging out with people. That way I'd have time to myself, but I'd also be able to engage in a variety of communities that would be desireable for me. In the past I had a lot of communities, but I did not feel connected to any of them. That's how I am feeling about my current living situation.

I do want to stay around this area for a little while, and i'm paying peanuts right now to live in this exact apartment so I guess I should take advantage of that. I tell myself that is true, but I don't feel that way in my heart. My room is too small. I have to climb over everything and it's super not convenient. When I come home from work at the end of the day I want a place I can relax, not a place I have to type on my laptop from a handstand position just so i can fit in my room. Being inconvenienced in life is not a bad thing. Sometimes being uncomfortable is good too. These things can help us grow when we otherwise wouldn't. Living a lifestyle of simplicity is good too for those who feel led to do so. However feeling uneasy all the time isn't good. Where I am living makes me constantly feel uneasy. One example of this, though not the only one, is how a lady was robbed at knife point by a guy in the middle of the day on the street next to me. So I hope that either my feelings change or I move. I am thinking of taking a class at Gordon Conwell, but if i did that could I really do work in my room? I don't have a desk to do any work...but do I really want to pay double what I am paying now in order to get a studio? The weather has been terrible, so maybe i just feel down from that.

I believe God is calling me to some form of church leadership in the future, whether it's an associate pastor, an elder, or some other form of leadership. However, as I noticed all of the church elders standing in front of the church this morning, I asked myself, "how much of church leadership (beyond men's ministry or bible study leaders) is married couples?" All of them in front of me. When I thought about it, almost all elders, pastors, etc. are married. It made me wonder if i should not pursue those things which I think God is calling me to. Then I figured I should just pursue them and trust God with the rest. Then if I don't get married, I can complain:) Those who know me know that I would rather just complain and then not pursue anything...but I will not do that! yeah!