garble at 2 am

I lie awake, unable to go to sleep. I seem to have to much in my head, so I figure I can update this now. I have not written in quite some time. For one, writing in this blog became a compulsion and a responsibility. It became something that I started to invest too much of my energies in. Secondly, not much has changed for me and I do not want to continually revisit the same old issues time and time again in my blog. I get sick of writing them and you get sick of reading them. So all that to say that not much has changed. Unfortunately, that's not a positive thing. There are so many things externally that are going my way right now, but there are likewise so many things internally that are causing me to be uneasy. For once in my life I am going to be vague and not get into too many details. I mean, to some degree, it's my fault that nothing has changed. I am not making things happen. But I don't know what to make happen. I feel like I'm living life in the balances of all these different areas of my life and none of it comes together to make any sense for me. I don't know if that makes sense. I haven't even been to church more than 2 times in the past 3 months. Am I rebelling against God? Should you pray for me because I'm losing "brownie points" with God? Am I isolating myself? I don't think so, no, and...perhaps. To some degree I just feel sick of it. Sick of trying to make things happen and not seeing any fruit. I'm sick of just "waiting on God" and being bored out of my mind waiting for...who knows what.

A certain girl at work wants to find me a girlfriend. So...she wants me to go out and "party" with them. First of all, with my schedule at my job it just doesn't work out. And my town back home is hardly a "happenin' town" at night. Secondly, I'm not into the whole party thing, but would be willing to go out and socialize with people and what not. But, really, am I willing to get set up with a whole bunch of girls who are not Christians? Chances are that I'd like the girls a whole lot more than many Christian girls (an unfortunate reality), but would that be a healthy thing for me? Would it be wise or safe? Without a social outlet, I'm losing my common sense on what is wise for me, and am ready to throw much of it out the window. (please no "well, you won't need a very large window" type jokes:) hehe.) I know...theoritically, in the perfect world, I could go out and meet people and just "make friends." Then I don't worry about dating. I haven't figured out how to think that way. If I am going to go out of my comfort zone to meet people, it's not so I can meet more acquaintances.

My coworker just told me about the partying thing tonight, which is why i focused so much on that, but in all honesty, that is just one aspect of so much going on inside of me that I am confused by. I have figured this out. I have spent so much of my time trying to think through things that I keep forgetting to just do something. The result? I have felt sorry for myself and have become a prisoner to my own hopelessness. Hardly a warrior. Not at all someone who fights through disappointment and confusion to make something good come...if not for me, for someone else. That's the essence of a warrior...the thing my heart longs to become. One who will fight on behalf of others, to fight so that others are loved. As I think over whether or not I should start taking the necessary steps, in order to love, fear grows in my heart, as I realize that this warrior is but a child, who desperately needs love himself. So I slink back in my chair and sit in a content state of complacency. Shame on me.