numa numa dance

I am sure that half the blog world has this link in their blog, but it's worth including in mine too. I don't know why, but oh my gosh, it's too funny:)

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/206373

sleepless in danvers

All right. I went to sleep at 7:30 am yesterday and now it's 4am on sat. morning and i am writing a blog. What is wrong with me?! I saw "man on fire" last night and watched "saw" tonight. I want to stay up until 7am for the CBD sale, but i am sooo tired. I am kind of taking over a lot of the assistant manager's responsibilities at my job, while still doing a lot of my responsibiltiies as well. It's tough because the way that our group home is set up, with the policies and regulations, and because of who the provider is...it is CRAZY! You never have a "normal" day. That makes for an enjoyable job, with no boredom. Yet...my gosh, i end up taking the job home with me because there is so much stuff that i can be doing. And yet, some co-workers complain because they have to do house laundry...what a good lesson in learning how to bite my tongue!:) By the way, does anyone think it's normal to eat steak and mashed potatoes at 12 midnight? that was me:)

no point whatsoever

I keep looking at the number of comments that I get from my posts. Now, upon realizing that nobody at all reads this, I will continue to write. Why? Because i enjoy it...so there! *insert scrunchy face with my tongue sticking out. I actually have NOTHING to say. I have stuff that I did today, but i hate when people write stuff in here that nobody cares about. stuff that your dog would run away from if you tried telling her. Well, i think i will go take another walk in the snow after finishing my jeremy camp songs. Blessings to all who read this...so...blessing to me!

i'm weird...

I am going to refer to myself in the third person throughout this email so that I do not associate myself with...myself:) OK, so the day starts off with Matt going to the doctor's to get his big toe checked out. Ends up little Matt has an ingrown toenail...awww poor baby. So the doctor puts novacaine in his foot (it's weird putting novacaine in a part of your body that doesn't drool when you try to use it). Not bad...after a couple of minutes, Matt gets queezy (sp?) and almost faints. PATHETIC! The doctor eventually, once Matt quits being a whiny little squid monkey, cuts Matt's nail and now he's in recovery mode. The doctor says that Matt can do all the same stuff he could always do, he doesnt even have to baby it...but it's hard to not baby it when you try to walk on your feet (as opposed to something else? haha) and you can't feel your big toe.

Now he's trying to watch some romantic movie. Why does he do this too himself? He can't even eat like normal people when he's watching a sad movie. Instead of eating a whole carton of ice cream, he eats a whole carton of strawberries. P.S. "Whiny little squid monkey" HAHA...that made me laugh:)

elongated days

I need to go to sleep sometime before 4am when i get back from work tonight...sooo sleepy:) After church dena and i got to hang out with like 10 students from gordon conwell. it was great to get to meet people my age from church and chat with them. I got back home and a friend returned a phone call. That was great. It's always fun and enjoyable to talk to her. I would do well to listen to her. "Trust in God's goodness. He has your best interests at heart." That's tough when there are things i want soo bad:) I know she's right though. All right, gotta run to work...(working off 1.5 hours of sleep...). PEACE!

beautiful soul

beautiful soul by jesse mccartney. nice lyrics...and...yeah...

[Chorus] I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

[Verse #1] I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

[Chorus]

[Verse #2] You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry, c'mon let's try

[Chorus]

[Break] Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just want to know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

much much too busy for you!

All right...it's four in the morning, so i'll make this quick. If you have faith for something (ie. healing), that faith will yield hope inside of you. When you have that hope, it's tough to move on with your life until you see that which you had faith for...You know, it is almost damaging to have faith anymore because of the way it sickens one's heart when they get let down. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Perhaps that is because we put our hope in the wrong thing? Yet, if we are hopeful of something that is Scriptural and God's heart, then...don't we have reason to hope for that? The only other thing i need to say is about feeling overwhelmed. It's crazy, perhaps the first time in my life i feel overwhelmed, but yet i am still not feeling stressed. It's like, God gave me such a soft heart emotionally so that i can feel everything so deeply. Yet, when it comes to being busy and having tons of things on my plate, i just roll with the punches and let things go where they will...even if i feel overwhelmed...weird. So, the majority of my "free time" is going to corresponding with people through email and getting some views straightened out in my head so that i can start researching them. These are on my list: 1) healing. how it takes place. dependant on holy living for holy power, or is it a faith and reliance upon God which we don't utilize? 2) How firmly does sin have a grip on us. is it's "strangle hold" on us reality or a lie from Satan to deceive us into thinking we are in bondage (and there's no way out). 3) Gregory Boyd. What is God's will and how often is it done? How much of God's hand is present in the world today? In everything? Does He work EVERYTHING out for an ultimate good? 4) Intimacy with God. In the old testament there were prayer meeting tents where people would meet and the cloud of the Lord would hover over it and His presence would manifest there. If there were such a place like that today, floods of us would go there to meet with God. One problem...after the new covenant, we are promised so much more than that. We are supossedlygiven full access to His presence through this covenant. We're missing something. When the veil was torn, not only did everyone now have access to God, but an even better picture is that now God burst out of the holy of holies so that He could be in our presence. If that's His heart why aren't we experiencing His presence in more fulness?

Need an apprentice...

I have so many thoughts and things that I am trying to study and research right now, everything is so hectic. I think it will be very beneficial if i can get to the bottom of some of these things...I need a secretary!:)

I can start to see the light...

"I was thinking i might be a little depressed, but the more i am thinking about everything, it might be more of some kind of oppression. I just feel sooo demoralized, which, instead of forcing me to run into the arms of the Father, causes more of a sense of hopelessness and grief. Unfortunately, it makes for much more difficulty in even pursuing God in little things. I am trying to just press on to know God in the midst of it, but i am feeling more pulled away from Him than I am being drawn to Him...if that makes sense." --2/9/05

Upon further reflection, there is more to it than just that. What i was experiencing was a darkenss where I think Satan was trying to cloud me from seeing my circumstances more clearly, and as such, causing feelings of frustration and futility and "darkness." Also...it's amazing how dull and "dark" life is when we don't have a sense of purpose or enjoyment. when we aren't constantly in meaningful fellowship. It's not fulfilling. It's just the mundane, dull, life of drudgery. I think i am currently in that place where my sense of purpose is kind of lost and that is a scary place to be spiritually.

God has been helping me see what genuine trust looks like, in light of my theology and everything else. My "new theology" has caused a lot of problems for me, especially in the issue of trust, but i think that's because it's Truth, and the road to Truth isn't always a field of daisies. (More about my theology in a later email) In addition, I experienced a new revelation that He is for me. His desire is for me to press on, in the midst of my frustrations (with Him, with life, with myself, relationships, etc.) and that breakthroughs will happen, unfortunately, there will have to be more time of sitting in some pain/frustration first. Yet, He gave me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When the rubber meets the road, God's really getting me to learn deeper intimacy first. Then deeper devotion and obedience stem from that (and breakthroughs). I confess, I have some things to learn about this level of intimacy.

Here's a question: What are the consequences of sin?

Love...

For the record...I hate this holiday. I know i shouldn't, but i do. there is that. One thing that is hard for me lately is loneliness. I have spent some time with some good friends just hanging out, and i think it made me realize what i am missing by not being able to do thatmore often. Most of the loneliness is probably due to the girl thing though. Wanting a girl to share my life with...that'd be nice. I haven't had a girflriend in a long long time. I think i am ready now. I feel like girls see me as a brother more than a "possibility." I love, and that makes girls comfortable, but it sure doesn't seem to be very attractive to anyone. I won't lash out any longer on that. On to love...

It's a beautiful thing when you get past all that we have been told about it growing up in our culture...it really is! I think I have learned some things about this love, but it's not the kind of love that the world would say is love. It's not based on how a girl makes me feel and what i get out of being with her. It's not based on sexual, physical attraction. It's a love that sees her almost outside of gender lines. Yet, still seeing her as being the most beautiful soul I have ever seen, and yet, being able to see her as a friend first before seeing her as a girl. It's simply a deep love for a person where our spirits seem to bond in an amazing way.

I'm learning a wonderful thing, how deep love can go without the emotions and infatuation that kisses and hugs can start in motion. Usually those happen so soon that a time can come when one starts to wonder if he really loves the soul of the girl, because he doesn't take enough time to really know it first and love her deeply there. Now, I'm finding that I can love the soul of a girl without the physical bonding clouding the issue. That's good and healthy.

candy, family, and food

1) My parents had to put my dog to sleep a few days ago. The most troubling thought is thinking about them being alone again. Candy seemed to always brighten up their day, having another companion in the house. 2) I was thinking of a quote from the movie, garden state. The guy mentions how we had a certain idea of home when we were young. It’s weird…as we grow up and move out of our parents house, there gets to be that time when that’s no longer home. The place I live is not home. I don’t think I really have home again until I have my own family. I am scared that I will be left alone to struggle with death of my parents without the support of my family…then the struggles of everything else as well. I just don’t want to be alone. 3) ...something i am looking forward today: Going to Quiznos! That is the one thought that keeps me happy so far today:) The chicken carbanara (sp?) is perhaps the closest thing to a perfect sandwhich that you can get...mmmm...

the beginning of the end

Now you're all in big...big trouble! HAHA. I can vent all i want and express every one of my views without being stopped! mwahahaha. I haven't much to say for now. I'm just starting this up because everyone else i knew had one and i felt left out, so here I am:) Until next time...