1) I am phleg/mel with some san thrown in there. Often people with my personality spend a lot of time looking inwards and we see all the problems going on inwardly. The best remedy is to look outward and serve others. That helps me to get proper perspective and some direction. What are my natural giftings and talents (Rom.12)? I figure this out, then I can figure out how to start plugging into churches and getting involved. “First I figure out my ministry to the body, then I figure out my mission to the world.”
2) There are different types of friends. Those I can go to when I am struggling and having difficulties. Those I can go shoot a round of golf with or play basketball with ( I think I just ended a sentence with a preposition). Those who can encourage me spiritually. I have a hard time letting go of the past, fearing losing old friendships that I hold so dear. Making new friends means finally letting go of that time in my life that I really enjoyed. The time around college where I had many friends and they met all my social needs. The time after college where I lived with other people whom I could talk to late at night. I have to be willing to experience new friendships and accept that things will not be like they were before. I have been living in the past, and I expect things to go back the way they were before. But life doesn’t work that way. I expect to have the same type of friends. Expecting friends now to be similar to the ones I have had is not fair, nor healthy. I am not going to leave my old friends, but I can’t expect things to go back to “the way they were.” People have moved on and so must I.
3) I was very motivated today as I was thinking about how to pursue hope, faith, love and an overall fullness in my life, but then I thought about what I would do if God said, “You will stay single for the rest of your life and there is a good reason for it.” I guess hearing something directly from God like that would be inspiring, but I’m sure I’d learn to question His decision even if I got the word directly from Him. I can be content in my singleness now…but forever? If I am to be single for the rest of my life, which I still don’t think is “God’s will” for me, then He will have to give my heart peace and joy and contentment in the midst of it. The church still doesn’t have an answer for the person who is not married and is desperately lonely. Being married doesn’t solve all of life’s problems, as a matter of fact, it creates a whole bunch of extra problems that singles never knew existed. Having friends is a blessing, providing opportunities to share in one another’s lives. However, being married involves a shared intimacy and an opportunity to love and be loved in a deeper way than a friendship could ever offer. I wish I could describe in words the feeling someone with my personality experiences late at night, when nobody is around, and the utter alone-ness that penetrates the soul. The second thing I do not think there is a good answer for is how a single man is to remain pure. A man is hard-wired by God a certain way, and for him to be single and remain pure is a miracle. I do not suggest it’s impossible, but for most men, we need God’s hand in that in a very real way. The very real way is lacking in most situations. Am I to just marry so that I don’t “burn with passions”? No, probably not. But I need a good answer to that.
(1)4) Enemy attacks you in the soul (mind, will, emotions) not in the spirit (wisdom, communion, conscience). I need to press through what I am going through now as it appears to be an attack. What I am experiencing is part depression and it’s also probably an attack from the enemy as well. I know I need to press through and seek God, but I don’t have motivation to do so, and I don’t feel I have support from anyone to help me get through this. I want to seek God, but lack the motivation/hunger/drive to do it. Why don’t I pursue and spend more time with God? I don’t feel like it does me any good. One problem lies in the statement “I don’t feel it does me any good.” In actuality, it does me good. However, there’s something to that “feeling.” I struggle with being lonely. I feel lonely, then go to God, try to spend time with Him and get my needs met by Him instead of settling for a counterfeit to help me just escape from my problems (alcohol, sex, drugs, etc.) The result? I end up feeling just as lonely after talking with Him. I don’t know what to do about that.
