Is love worth the risk?

So is love worth the risk? The virgin of love is quick to say yes!
For he hasn’t broken in that deep deep place,
Where he can’t be healed save the Lord’s grace.
To be poured out as a drink offering, and not bemoan
Putting another’s best interests in front of his own
To love another deeply, to the exclusion of oneself
Is the richest form of love in and of itself
So is love worth the risk? The wise must confess,
This sacrificial love is God in the flesh
Proof of Him in us and that our spirits mesh
Though the pain and the hurt be almost too much
His love makes it possible to love as such
Though there be no pain like unrequited love
I have a secret I pray you take hold of
Instead of trying to love for love
Experience the joy of loving out of love.

Born Again

Before we became Christians, and born again, we were controlled by the soul (our mind, will, and emotions). Now, if you are a Christian you can be (and should be) controlled by the Spirit. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit infuses our spirits with life. There is a quickening of our spirits when we are “born again.” Our spirits were not dead before this, they were simply…non-livingJ (hibernation?). It’s important to realize that there is a difference between our spirit and our soul and our flesh. These three aspects make up who we are. The soul, as noted above, is our mind, will and emotions. The flesh is our physical being. Our spirit is wisdom, conscience, (and probably much more that I do not yet understand). If we are born again, we have new life. The Holy Spirit comes and intermingles with our spirit. We are all adults here (maybe) so let me use this illustration. When a baby is conceived, the sperm enters into the egg, and they become one. That is how it is with us and the Holy Spirit. Our spirit is like the egg and the Holy Spirit is the sperm. When the “seed” enters into our “hearts”, we experience what the Bible refers to as “new life.” The actual Greek term for the “seed” which refers to the Holy Spirit in this context is the word “sperma.” I think it’s beautiful how life is made in both the physical and in the spiritual.

We still live our lives out of our souls because that’s what we are used to. But we don’t need to! We can live our lives being led and empowered by the Spirit living within us! Our flesh is not evil (unless you are a Gnostic), nor are our souls. We often say, “He must become more, and I must become less.” The actual quote is, “He must increase, I must decrease.” There is a slight difference, but I will save that for another time. The main point to remember is that our souls and our flesh are not evil and they are a part of what makes us who we were uniquely created to be. We can have our own desires, emotions and thoughts. It’s OK. Our souls are not bad, we just shouldn’t be controlled by them. The main problem is that we have things out of order. When things are out of order, then there is a problem. Think of it as “direction of flow.” The Spirit is to be the source, which flows into our souls and flows into our flesh so that the source for all of our strength, and everything we rely upon no longer is within our own natural power (soul, flesh). I heard it said that faith is spelled R-I-S-K. We can’t live lives of faith and of risk if we are always doing things that we can control in our own power.

When we live our lives under the power of our souls and our flesh, then we contaminate our spirit. In the Spirit is life, but we seldom draw on the life giving power of the Spirit. Instead we continue to be guided and directed by our own thoughts and desires. As such, we seek unhealthy ways to satisfy the cravings we possess. We have lived our lives CONTROLLED by our mind, will, emotions, and our desires. To surrender our lives to God, is not to stifle all our desires, nor is it to stamp out all our thoughts and emotions. It is to be free in who He uniquely created and called you to be AND living our lives CONTROLLED by the Spirit instead of our souls. We are not to become less (diminished), but we are to be clean vessels. By this I do not mean we are to be holy and never sin. Again, we get contaminated when we live our lives under the power of our souls and our flesh. Life drawn from the Spirit will infuse all areas of our life with light. The more we rely on and draw from the Spirit, the more He will shine through us! All that God created us to be, flesh, soul and spirit will all work together in harmony to glorify our Creator! How often do the sins of our souls and the sins of our flesh contaminate our vessels? It clouds us up, so that our new born spirit cannot shine forth the glory of God living within us! We sin because we seek unhealthy ways to satisfy our longings and our desires. We are unhealthy when we live under the power of our souls and flesh and not the Spirit.

[The Lord starves our soul to feed our spirit. Picture an onion. He is taking off the top layers (of sin, hurt, filth) to get to the core. Our soul (outer layers) are being peeled away so that our spirit shines through. This happens through times in the desert and struggles. It happens as we “wait on the Lord and trust Him.” Even while everything we consider our strengths runs dry.] --from this anonymous guy

I like the quote and agree with it wholeheartedly, except it makes the soul out to be bad. I think the thing is that we have come to trust in our souls, and as such, God is peeling those aspects of our souls away (the unhealthy parts) so that our spirit can shine forth without contamination.

I am learning, slowly but surely, how to live a life under the direction and influence of the Spirit. I will share what information I have here on my blog when it comes up. Pray that I may take part in this process and not allow myself to get distracted by meaningless things or by just being lazy!

my stuff and Tony Dungy

I have dedicated myself for the past couple of weeks to be positive. To rejoice with those who rejoice. To stop feeling sorry for me. I think I will continue that...for a while anyways:)

quick update on my job: I got a $25 simon gift card from work, a sweatshirt, some fudge, and a $1000 merit based bonus. Yes, a MERIT based bonus. They don't like to do merit based anything, so that's very satisfying. Oh...and another 3% retroactive raise (from July). Remind me again why I'm leaving the job:)

WOW. So I just got done reading an article on ESPN.com about the tragic death (apparent suicide) of Tony Dungy's 18 year old son. A couple of thoughts came to my mind. First, it reminded me some times in my own life when I just wished my life would end, and then I wouldn't have to deal with all the hurt. And one of the first thoughts that always came to my mind was how my parents would react. I would just keep picturing them just beside themselves with grief. A parent should never have to bury a child. It's not supossed to work that way! The writer on ESPN, who has seen his parents bury two of his brothers, stated, "For the first few days, a parent doesn't go from hour to hour, but rather lives from one breath to the next, because the pain is so psychologically debilitating." I was also touched by another quote by this writer: "Strong people of faith are not defined by what they do for a living but, rather, how they live what they do. Tony Dungy is one of those people." May our prayers truly be with the Dungy family and friends!

Humbled

Here's another one that I wrote a while ago, but haven't posted for some reason. Tonight i was thinking about it again, so i figured i'd post it tonight.

I found myself humbled…again (that seems to be happening a lot lately). Yesterday I was thinking of how God chooses to reveal His glory through US! That amazes me. Anyway, today I was thinking of how I am not very good at loving people that disagree with me about certain theological points of view. Primarily, those who don’t believe that any of the gifts of the spirit are for today, and those who don’t believe in free will. The irony is that I handle differences with people who are not Christians just fine. But to those who are members of the body of Christ, I seem to lack fellowship with them and lack some love towards them. I prayed about it and asked God to transform my way of thinking and whatever was wrong in my heart. I realized that the most important thing is for people to come to know Jesus and for them to be loved. As the church, we should come together and love one another well. Then go out and love the world well. I know that’s probably basic Christianity, so you know all of that already, but I guess it’s just sin confessing time for me or something.

I was watching 3 wishes on tv the other night and it got me thinking (it doesn’t take much). I really believe God wants to heal people. Heal them of what? Of everything. Blindness, cancer, physical deformities, emotional healing, etc. However, I have spent so much time studying about that and thinking about it, I have forgotten something of equal importance, if not more so. I thought of how essential it is to enhance the quality of people’s lives, even in the midst of their struggles (whatever those struggles are). The show moves me to take time and think about ways that I can love people, especially those who are downtrodden (do we still use that word in our language today?), and put smiles on people’s faces and just help them enjoy their lives in times that it may be difficult.

Rejection (3) the last one

i have put off posting this for quite some time now ( perhaps a month?) just because i don't have a desire to write about it anymore. Yet, i want to get this out of my draft folder, so here it is.

Girls: I have been rejected by girls TONS! Part of the reason is that I act differently around girls. I am self-conscious a lot. I am a cool guy until I talk to a girl I like and then I turn into a bumbling idiot. When those special few get to know me, I am not so self-conscious. Then they really start to get to know the real Matt. When this happens, bonds form and then I make a move, if I end up liking the girl, and then I get rejected. 1) So girls don’t like who I initially portray myself to be (I am simply not good at “playing the game” or being suave around girls). That’d be fine, but they also 2) don’t like who I really am upon getting to know me either. I open myself up and have been shut down time after time after time. At work earlier this week, one of the clients told his case manager that he wants a girlfriend but can’t get out. The case manager replied, “if you want a girlfriend, and don’t have one, you have to look at yourself, find out what’s wrong and why you don’t have one.” Is it possible that I'm not the reason I don't have a girlfriend? Perhaps it's just not the right time...(Ironically, not be honest, I don't want one right now anyway...I have some stuff i want to work out in my own life...so what the heck am i complaining about?!)

I always heard of those who have been hurt so often by love that they come to a point in their life where they are no longer able to freely give their love. It becomes difficult for them to love for fear that they will once again be left with a broken heart. I often wondered what is wrong with these people? I often wondered how can someone give up on experiencing mutual love? "The greatest thing in all the world is just to love and to be loved in return." I realized today that I had become like those people without even knowing it. Not that I am quick to run from love when it stares me in the face, and not that I am scared of the possibility of love. Yet, during those times when love is unsure and all the possibilities abound, it is then when I find myself in a catatonic state. Why? i no longer possess the wonder of what "could be" and instead I am left paralyzed by what "may not be." This is true in relationships with girls, friendships with guys and pursuing all that God may have for me in my life (His calling for example). Perhaps there's a fear of rejection and a fear of failure. I don't know. And to be honest, next time my heart is captured by another fair young maiden, I am sure I will once again risk all in the hopes of being her prince. It scares me and I may get hurt, but the possible prize which lay ahead is too precious to turn a blind eye to (did i just end a sentence in a preposition?)

epilogue to extreme christianity + Rejection (part 2)

OK, for the first time, i will not write about what is pressing and on my heart right now. It's kind of too frustrating and too much...I don't know. I'm sure you'll all get to read it soon though. aye.

I got one comment from someone on my extreme christianity blog. I am more than glad that I did not get many responses. There are very few men and women who are experiencing the kind of Spirit filled life that I was talking about in my blog, but I am convinced that God would like us all there. Unfortunately, there are also very few men and women who even understand what I was getting at in my blog. I was inquiring how we can get the power and love of God to flow through our lives in a much more profound manner. We're all in a process that God is working within us, but there's much more than we realize. We take comfort in the fact that wherever we are at spiritually is where God wants us. Hogwash! God wants us more consumed by Him so that we can be more blessed ourselves and bless others even more. Many may assume I am an ignorant 25 year old who doesn't get it. I pray many more will understand my heart and the heart of God. We too often just sit back and accept everything that happens as the perfect will of God for our lives, so we never battle against the things contrary to the will of God. That's not peace you experience, that's resignation! That's counterfeit peace. We're off picking daisies in the field while a battle wages on behind us. We don't get it. (I feel a few future blogs coming on). Praise God that I am dissatisfied with the status quo of religion.
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Family: I came home mostly to spend some time with my parents before starting the next stage of my life. You know, spend some quality time with them. But I find myself annoying them to no end. Sure, I put a smile on their faces, but many times they want me to “leave them alone.” I understand their frustration. For example, today I ran around the house saying, “I’m the hug monster!” and requiring hugs from my mom and my dad. I know when you are five this may be cute or perhaps even the first or second time I do it now at age 25 (I’m an awful cute 25 year old), but after a while it gets old. I could act differently and I almost need to. I guess I am having a hard time being myself, while still trying to change certain things about me that annoy people. I do like who I am, but there are certain things that I recognize need to change. I guess I am just not sure how to change without going to extremes. One of the things that I don’t like about myself is that sometimes I seek attention. I guess it depends on my mood. Another thing i have to change is how i approach and interact with girls...but that's another blog for another time. Anyway, I'm a very playful individual and that is true when I am with my friends or with my parents, it doesn't matter. I guess I just have to learn how to temper that a little.

5 is a lovely number

Carrying on my discussion about worth. I talked about my friends, which i will mention again later on in this blog, but right now I will talk about my job. There are some things that make me feel rejected and there are other things that make me feel wanted and needed. I got my evaluation back from my boss. Unfortunately, the field I work in is run by a bunch of pansies so you can't get merit based raises. Anyway, my evaluation is based on fifty question with answers ranging from 1-5, 5 being the best. I got so many 4's and 5's that the agency supervisor questioned my boss about it saying that it must be too high. However, my boss assured the supervisor (who doesn't know me very well) that the scores are accurate. Then my boss went on to offer me a position as an assistant manager for another one of the houses. Though he couldn't make any promises, the fact that I would be considered for that position is almost heresy with my agency. They have a hard and fast rule that you need to be in the field for 4 years to take that position, no exceptions. I have had two years. The way our agency is run, i understand why the 4 year rule is in effect. There's tons of stuff to know! My point in all of this is that the managers and my co-workers all know I will have to leave soon, due to living so far away (over an hour). They have all, in their different ways, expressed that they will be at a great loss when I leave. That part has been nice.

So, this is a follow up thought on my previous comments on my friends. Anyway…I also saw a couple of old friends from Youthstorm. Youthstorm is a youth group ministry that I was involved with a few years back. I ran up to one of the kids Josiah and gave him a kiss and just hugged him for a good minute. Man, it’s great to see old friends! It kind of reminds me of a friend I saw at Uno’s a few months ago. He is one of those guys that is great at making you feel like you’re special. I played tennis in college and he was on the tennis team with me. Most of my school had no idea where the tennis courts were and many of my friends hardly knew that I won the Conference Championship for number 1 singles! But I can guarantee you all of Baby G’s friends knew. He would introduce me to his friends and say, “I played tennis with this guy, he is…” He’d then go off just making me sound like a much better guy than I am. The thing about him is that he’s genuine too. Just this past weekend I saw Jake Funnell. He was another guy from my tennis team that was a splendid fellow. He introduced me to a few of his friends and just went off on how amazing I was and how I walked with God in great character. He obviously doesn’t know me as well as he thinks, but my point is that it was nice to have such nice words spoken. And it was great to see him and give him a big hug. It’s weird…I complain I don’t have friends, yet I know I do. I have friends. I fellowship with some of them on Sunday’s at church. However, my problem is the lack of fellowship that I have during the week. Either way, I’m still thankful for these people from all over that I still have friendships with. I think the thing that is puzzling isn't that I don't have any close friends. I have a decent amount, but those friends that are the ones I can count on and know that they are there for me don't live nearby. They live all over the United States...even into Asia actually:) I like that in some ways, but i think that's what makes it tough during the week, as I mentioned above.

How to get from here to there--Extreme Christianity

I've been struggling with something for a while now. We ask God for more of Him, but when we "accept Him" to come into our lives, we, at that point have all of Him we will ever need. We are filled with the Holy Ghost, joint heirs with Christ, etc. I realized that we don't need more of Him, but I was having difficulties figuring out HOW to "go after" God and what that even means. I wasn't understanding, and am still not completely sure, what it was I was missing and how I can get it. I wasn't missing more of the Holy Spirit or more of Him, but I was/am missing something in my relationship with Him and my submission to the reign of the Holy Spirit in my life. So, what does all of this mean?

Introduction:
I have been walking with God for almost 10 years now and I have gone through the early years of zeal. I have wrestled with God and developed a bone deep relationship with Him. This has caused my walk to be wholly genuine. I am grateful, but now I long to get back to the place of zealous passion. To have wrestled with God, experience the frustrations and disappointments of this world and to come back and walk in full devotion and consecration to the Lord. I am called into ministry, though of what kind, I am unsure. Perhaps at this point, my knowing is insignificant. Yet, I know I need change. Lately, I have found myself blaming my circumstances for too much. Experiencing the hurt and loneliness that goes along with desiring to have a wife, to be left single for years, questioning if God really knows what He’s doing. I have not had a mentor or any form of accountability in years. I have sought it out, but to no avail. It is mighty tough to “fight the good fight” when you do not have comrades walking by your side encouraging you along the way, in the daily battles of life. Difficulties? Sure. But no longer do I have the luxury of such excuses. My spirit will no longer allow it. My walk with God is present and real, but not extreme and revived. I'm stopping short in my obedience and in my devotion and in my love. I confess this and ask for advice.

I’ve heard too many empty prophecies, and too many clichés. Seen to many dead and irrelevant churches. I read Scripture and my heart is stirred and shaken up by the words I read. Then I pick my head up and look at myself in the mirror. I look at our theoretical approaches that sound nice, but fail when the rubber meets the road. Something doesn’t sit right in me.

Questions:
What characterizes a Spirit filled and Spirit led life? Fruit, power, holiness, gifts, being others centered.

How do I practically walk in love and power? How do I get to “that place” in my walk where His presence and glory oozes from this temple? Also…How do I live a Spirit led life? I think these three questions all have the same answer.

This is what I have so far…First, we experience His Presence by spending time with Him. We talk to Him, fix our gaze towards Him and find ourselves constantly attentive to His will. [Again, if we are Spirit led, then this will be more natural than it will be an act of our will. So why isn’t it? I find that I too often live my life out of my will, mind, and emotions. I am led by my soul more than I am being led by my spirit…my spirit which is commingled with the Holy Ghost. Something tells me that there is untapped power there!:)]

We read Scripture, fellowship with the Spirit, worship Him, obey His voice, etc. We pursue Him and His calling further by persistently and boldly crying out to Him. We experience spiritual discontentment and dissatisfaction for anything less than what He wants for us. We study, walk in our giftings and continue to obey as we daily fix our eyes on Jesus.

I want the church to be so saturated by His presence that it flows out onto others. I want us so consumed by Him, that His glory permeates through us and His radiance is manifested through us. It’s God will too. As humbling as it is, that’s how He chose to reveal Himself in this age.

I am not trying to make a formula out of this, but these seem to be active ingredients in a Spirit empowered life manifesting God’s presence, right? What am I missing? The crux of what I am trying to say is all rooted in relationship. An “abiding in the Vine” if you will. We are transformed when we behold Him daily. Again, is there something else?

1 2 3 4 5 Everybody in the car, so come on let's ride

1) Name that song!
2) I go to EVERYTHING alone. Movies, church, the mall, out to eat, etc. It's tiring.
3) I sleep 10 hours every day. Why?
4) Nice to talk to non Christians sometimes because they are more genuine...or at least appear that way. It seems that Christians put on a front more. Sometimes non-Christians seem to have more life to them. Why is that?
5) I just watched Full House and almost started crying while watching it at work. Uncle Jessie had just found out he was going to have twins. It just kept making me think of how much I want to be a husband and a father. I can’t wait to start my own family. It made me think of how sick I am of having to apologize for feeling that way too.

personal God stuff (part 1)

OK, this is my problem. I have a deep stirring in my heart to go wholly after the things of God, however, I am experiencing a tendency to just escape. Especially during this Christmas season when it gets hard. Pray that I don't. I know that I have been partly blaming my lack of obedience to the calling of God on my life and to His ways on not having guys to "fight the fight with me" or to "hold me accountable." But when I went to a worship service last night, something shook me inside and I realized i can't keep making excuses. The song was called You and Me Alone. These are the lyrics:

Take all I am, and all I have gained
Lay me bare to the bone
Shake the foundations and see what remains
It's just You and me, alone
'Til it's just You and me alone

So tear down the borders that I have built
Crush the walls, stone by stone
Destroy my resistance, that I hold so strong
'Til it's just You and me, alone
You and me alone

(Lay me down)Let this place be an altar
(Lay me down)Let this death be complete
(Lay me down)Let this song be a marker-stone
That others can easily see

(Lay me down)Like a drink that is poured out
(Lay me down)Like a seed that must die
(Lay me down)So I can rise in the morning
While the graveclothes fall down at my feet
It's just You and me alone

The song made me think of all the things in my life that I have come to rely on and depend on for my fulfillment before God. So this song is my new prayer...though it can only mean more wrestling with God, I hope that I can allow this process to take place. Perhaps I should add a new middle name to my name. If so, it would be Jacob, because of what the name means. If you don't know, look it up:)

I will stop this blog here and split this into 2 blogs. Until next time...

folk music and rejection (part 1)

I went to a folk music open mic Thursday night to see a friend from college play (Dan). I thought he has gotten much better! His voice has matured and his guitar playing is very solid now. I enjoyed listening to him play a lot! While listening to Dan play, I finally understood the perspective, “there shouldn’t be Christian music, just Christians playing music.” Now, I have been tremendously blessed by “Christian” music and I think it is very edifying to other Christians. It struck me how easy it is to be a Christian and play music for other Christians. How difficult it is to be a Christian and be a redeeming influence on the culture and on music by playing “in the world.” As I was listening to the lyrics of Dan’s songs, I couldn’t help but realize how good he is as a songwriter. His songs were deep and meaningful and redeeming. He has found a way to glorify God through his play, his words and his actions up on the stage. All the while, being subtle enough that when people come and listen to him, they’re not offended by his lyrics.

Rejection
Guys: Another thing I realized that night was how I miss “the guys.” I wish I would have been included more by them my freshman year of college so that I could develop deeper friendships with them. As they matured, they got nicerJ Especially Dan. I was always the odd one out. When I got invited places it was often out of pity. And no, I didn’t have some poor view of myself that made me delusional into thinking that way. That was not always the case, but it often was. I was a little sheltered coming into college, so I can understand a little of why I would have been a tad bit more annoying to be around. My point in this is not to bash them, but to point out my desire to have guy friends. None of them are or were bad guys. Anyway, when the next year came by, I made new friends. I do not wish to replace the friends I have made as a result of this decision at all, but the friendships I got that year resulted in like 8 female friendships, and one guy friendship. I am close to most of those friends still now. However, almost all of them live away from me and/or are married. I don’t have a best friend. It makes me lonely. I wish I would have the opportunity to spend time with guys and be included in a “band of brothers” in a sense. One of my favorite memories in college was when they “let me” come with them to the Saco river in Maine for a kayak/canoe trip. We went up and down the river staying overnight at the sand inlets on the river. There was something special in that. Something I miss and long after. And something that I fear I will never get it.

calm before the storm

Favorite television shows: Fraggle Rock, Alf, Carnivale, House...and many more that I can't think of, so...remind me what I am missing!
Favorite Romance movie: The Notebook
Favorite Epic(?) movie: Braveheart, followed by Patriot both with Mel Gibson
Favorite(s) for comedy, drama, mystery/suspense/thriller, horror, action: I have yet to give my decree as to which is the best in each genre so I am willing to take requests and suggestions at this time (yes that means you have to leave a comment!)

Wow. I guess the real reason I am writing such a fluffy blog is that I had a night of intense introspection and wrote down a whole bunch of personal stuff. So, think of this blog as the calm before the storm. :)