I don't know

I feel like I am at a weird point in my life. It's like I'm just surviving and not really living. It's nobody's fault but mine too. I'm already having memories of writing a similar post to this one, but not much has changed since that time. I don't know why I feel like this either and that's kind of the scary part. It's like when you feel so depressed and don't want to do anything. Yet, the only thing is that I don't really feel sad or anything. Perhaps it's lack of motivation mixed in with being isolated that just keeps me in my house waiting for another day to pass. I actually enjoy being at work because there I have social interaction, as well as a way of being productive. But not so much the case for the rest of my life. Not that I need to be productive all the time, but I'd like to at least enjoy myself a little more. It is weird though...i act like a silly goober around my parents. I am a happy little ball of excitement at times. I don't know what's happening to be honest. I'm having problems going to sleep at night because I don't feel productive. I feel unsatisfied. I don't know how to change it. It's like I don't have something that I look forward to each day. So what do I do? I sleep or plop myself in front of the television once i finally get up. Again, it's like experiencing the symptoms of depression without being sad. I am finding myself being lonely, but wanting to isolate myself. I don't know what the heck I am doing. I don't know where I am going. I guess that's another thing. I'm looking for some sort of direction in my life. And I don't need a sign from God to tell me what to do. I'd take a strong hunch at this point. I just...don't know.

4 non-related thoughts

I think the most humbling (and most spiritual) times in our lives are when we apologize to someone when they should really be apologizing to us.

The lady who put a finger in the food at Wendy's gets 9 years in prison. A man rapes a girl and gets 60 days in prison. Does anyone else think our court system has their priorities a little messed up?

"I feel weird, but i can't put words to it. It's like being lonely, but not wanting to talk to anyone. It's like being hungry, but not wanting to eat. It's like when your eyes are sleepy, but your feet feel like playing. I just feel...weird." --Fraggle Rock

I want to be known. This was written to me by someone that I loved. This is how I would describe you. Someone who is deep on the inside, but can enjoy life like a child. So, it's not like you are giddy and full of joy because you are blind to the realities of life, but it is in the midst of knowing the truth and depth of life and God with all of its struggles, pains, and rewards that you can dance before Him in joy like a child -secure in the love that God has for Him, enjoying all the gifts that He has given. The depth is what makes you childlike as opposed to childish - 2 very different things. I like that about you. I think these words mean so much to me because this person was able to unearth the real me. She understood me and "got me" in a way a lot of others don't.

job upate

So, I'm still at my work. I work 1-11 on Tuesday, 11-9 overnight on Tuesday, 1-11 on Wednesday and 1-11 on Thursday. I cram 40 hours into 3 days in order to stay at my job and not have to commute. And I have 4 days off, but still work full time. It's great! I sleep at Melinda's house on Wednesday. Hopefully I'll find another place as well so that I don't bog her and her husband down by being there ever week...can I just say how humbling this whole process is? I can?! Thanks. I think it is an act of love to allow yourself to be loved. When you don't allow compliments from others and you don't allow yourself to be served by others, you do not allow the other person the ability to experience the full joy of loving and serving you. The tough part is sometimes we need other people. Whether it's a place to stay or maybe an ear to listen or maybe some advice. Regardless, I've found it completely humbling. I want to "earn my way" while living there, but I think (though that is admirable to want to give back) that is almost cheapening the hospitality and courtesy of my hosts.

I am at a point in my life where I don't know how much new stuff I want to share on the blog as I feel like I may be at a point where I want to do more learning myself and not pretend to have a lot of answers, because lately I have been feeling like I know less and less. The tough part is that the more I learn, the more I want to share. It's natural for me and it's even a way for me to learn the subject more deeply...by explaining it through the blog, for instance. If I write something on here, it may or may not be new. It may be something that I wrote down in my journal a while ago, but never posted on the blog. I think right now I want to learn more and I want to DO more. I want to play tennis again. I miss that. I was really good before. I mean, it was division 3 tennis, but i won the conference championship. More importantly, I enjoy life when i play. I want to DO more things that I enjoy. I don't want to just survive life and I don't want to keep waiting for something to happen for me. Sometimes we have to take some action ourselves. Sorry, I had to give myself a pep talk!:) What the heck DO I want to do with my life? Could someone tell me? hehe.

2 quotes about serving others

In the holy land lived a man called Eliab, whom God had blessed with earthly goods. He was also cunning in all the wisdom of the East. But all this could not bring peace to his heart; he was often full of sorrow and wished to die. Then a man of God came to him, and showed him an herb possessed of wonderful powers of healing; but Eliab said: “What is that to me? My body lacks not health; my soul is diseased. It were better for me to die.” “The herb will do thy heart good,” said the man of God. “Take it, and heal seven sick men and then thou mayest die if thou wilt.” Eliab did as he was desired, and sought out misery in its abiding-places. He healed seven sick people and succored the poor with his riches. Then the man of God came again to him and said, “Here is an herb of death; now thou mayest die.” But Eliab cried: “God forbid! My soul longeth no more for death, for now I comprehend the meaning and use of life.” KRUMMACHER

There is no anodyne for heart sorrow like ministry to others. If your life is woven with the dark shades of sorrow, do not sit down in sorrow to deplore your hapless lot, but arise to seek out those who are more miserable than you are, bearing them balm for their wounds and love for their heart-breaks. And if you are unable to give much practical help, you may largely help the children of bitterness by listening to their tales of woe or to their dreams of foreboding. The burdened heart longs to pour out its tale in a sympathetic ear. There is immense relief in the telling out of pain. But it cannot be hurried; it needs plenty of time. If you can do nothing else, listen well, and comfort others with the comfort wherewith you yourself have been comforted by God. And as you listen, and comfort, and wipe the falling tear, you will discover that you own load is lighter. F. B. Meyer

the end of an era, the end of a dynasty

Granted, I care way too much about football and the Patriots. I will confess that. My dad can't even be in the same room as me when the game is on. I get quite excited and way way too nervous. "It's just a game" after all. But now, writing after the Patriots loss to Denver in the playoffs, I feel more depressed. It's like when the city of Boston all felt like they had their hearts ripped out after the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in game 7 a few years back. Remember? Pedro, Grady, Boone...frickin' Boone. Well, that's how I feel now. So, in hopes to undergo a little session of personal therapy, I write this blog.

Faulk-fumble that turned into a touchdown (due to a terrible defensive pass interference call in the end zone). Hobbs-fumble that turned into a field goal. Brady-interception in the endzone which was returned for an eventual touchdown (biggest turnover in the game). The nail in the coffin was a fumble by the sure handed Troy Brown on a punt. Vinatieri missed a field goal in there as well. It was like all the old faithful players just weren't doing it for us tonight. I mean, Brady played a decent game, but the offensive unit just couldn't do anything today. Our defense gave up 27 points, but they were absolutely outstanding today! Almost all the points that Denver got were off turnovers. Special teams and lack of offensive production led to the end of the Patriot dynasty. They will not be back in the superbowl for at least five more years. Pats fans don't get mad at me. It's just the way the sport works. Look at history. Brady will be hard-pressed to get another superbowl ring in his career. I will buy the 3 games to glory DVD's to relish in the past victories which nobody can take away from Brady, the Patriots, or from me...haha!

It had to happen at some point. It was inevitable. However, I wanted it to happen to a team that was better than us. That outplayed us. Denver did neither. The Pats simply beat themselves with uncharacteristic turnovers. I wanted a team to exploit our secondary, crush our offensive line. Denver didn't even cause the turnovers, we just bumbled the ball around like a bunch of kids playing hot potato. The Patiots lost the game to an inferior team. I don't like losing that way. But...now that you read all that...I feel better, thank you!

War zone

As a follow up to my last post about "why bad things happen" I would like to make one last point. I could, in actuality, make three or four posts out of this, but I realize nobody would read it. So...I will try to make this quick. The world we live in is a war zone, it's not just "preparation for heaven." I will be giving some quotes from John Eldridge and A.W. Tozer. I would love to throw in some Gregory Boyd quotes too, but this would be way too long.

A.W. Tozer
“In the early days when Christianity exercised a dominant influence over American thinking, men conceived the world to be a battleground. Our fathers believed in sin and the devil and hell as constituting one force; and they believed in God and righteousness and heaven as the other. These were opposed to each other in the nature of them forever in deep, grave, irreconcilable hostility. Man, so our fathers held, had to choose sides; he could not be neutral. For him it must be life or death, heaven or hell, and if he chose to come out on God’s side he could expect open war with God’s enemies. The fight would be real and deadly and would last as long as life continued here below. Men looked forward to heaven as a return from wars, a laying down of the sword to enjoy in peace the home prepared for them.”

“Men think of the world, not as a battleground but as a playground. We are not here to fight, we are here to frolic. We are not in a foreign land, we are at home. We are not getting ready to live, we are already living, and the best we can do is to rid ourselves of our inhibitions and our frustrations and live this life to the full.”

“A little self examination will reveal that it (the church) and its members have become fallow. Its members now look to it for security rather than for guidance in the battle between good and evil. It has become a school instead of a barracks. Its members are student, not soldiers. They study the experiences of others instead of seeking new experiences of their own.”

John Eldridge
John 10:10 -- (I'm not typing it out, so you'll have to look it up) Have you ever wondered why Jesus married those two statements? Did you even know he spoke them at the same time? I mean, He says them in one breath. And He has His reasons. By all means, God intends life for you. But right now that life is opposed. It doesn't just roll in on a tray. There is a thief. He comes to steal and kill and destroy.

Daniel 10:1-3 -- (yes, you'll have to look up another verse...and this won't make sense unless you read it) After three weeks of prayer and fasting, what is he to conclude? If Daniel were like most people, by this point he'd probably be headed toward one of two conclusions: "I'm blowing it" or "God's holding out on me." He might try confessing every sin and petty offense in hopes of opening up the lines of communication with God. Or he might withdraw into a sort of disappointed resignation, drop the fast, and turn on the television. In an effort to hang on to his faith, he might embrace the difficulty as part of "God's will for his life." He might read a book on "the silence of God." That's the way most people I know handle this sort of thing. And he would be dead wrong. (Summary of the verse: Daniel prays and fasts for three weeks, and on the FIRST DAY when Daniel was praying to God, an angel was sent in answer to his prayer. Yet, it took the angel three weeks to get there. What is the explanation for this? He was locked down in hand-to-hand combat with a mighty fallen angel.)

Why bad things happen to good people

In a past blog I pasted a link to an article written by Gregory Boyd answering the question of why bad things happen (terrorists smashing planes into the world trade center, blindness, cancer, rape, etc.) He mentions that these people are victims of a fallen world. He notes that Jesus never suggested that atrocities fit into some divine plan. He actually expressed God's will by coming against these afflictions. I also pasted another link to his website where you can here a sermon he has about why "natural disasters happen." In his sermon he points out how the physicality of the planet was affected due to our fall (sin). Even the laws of nature, to some degree, have been affected by the fall. For example the 2nd law of thermodynamics: Everything tends towards decay. This is why we get older and why we eventually die. In our present world system, it’s totally natural. We have difficulty conceiving what it’d be like if we didn’t wind down and die. Yet, the bible says that death is an unnatural thing. It wasn’t meant to be part of creation. The Bible goes so far to say that the one who is the author of death is the one who has been a murderer from the beginning John 8:44.

Why did I explain all that? Because, chances are that you never went to the link or had time to listen to an entire sermon from the internet. I have the article and the sermon written down, so if anyone, by chance, would like to get the full story then I can email them to you!:)

Following are some excerpts from a document I wrote a year ago or so (which is the culmination of thoughts between myself and a friend of mine).

The full revelation of God’s heart is revealed through the person of Jesus Christ. That is where our “picture” of God must come from.

Yes, there is a reason for everything. And God has a reason for everything He does, how He designs the creation and universe, and for who He passionately and lovingly creates free, and why He risks so much and what His and our ecstatic payoff is for such freedom and love andpower. No, God does not personally have a willful motive for every meticulous (evil) detail that rebellion generates. He does have an over-riding reason (maybe many reasons!) why He creates us with such frightening freedom.

Why does evil occur when we have a holy, sovereign God? We conclude, by binary Greek logic that, "God is either not powerful enough or is not desiring for the issue to be changed.” Sort of like saying, if a thing has color, then it's obviously either purple or chartreuse." I mean, how short-sighted can one be?

Funny how the Calvinist view treats evil as a problem. A logical problem that challenges our faith. Their answer is to resolve the logical problem and be resigned to God's "ordained" future. Sounds uncomfortably Eastern to me. "Accept your place in the world, in the cycle of life, be content." As opposed to the New Testament and early church who treated evil as an enemy to be fought. No resignation, but an active good fight. Doing what Jesus did, "destroying the works of the enemy."

2 Cor 4:4, "...in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." Do we agree with the Calvinists who (I think) believe that God uses Satan to work His purposes? God wants to keep some people out of His kingdom, so He lets Satan blind them? Again, when confronted by the doomed man on judgment day, will God say, "Well I knew you would reject me anyway."?

God is a creator. Those made in His image can also create. Made free, they can create, from within themselves, choices to do evil (or amazing good or to turn to God and get inspired), without blaming a molecule that God breathed at and caused to bump into an electron thattriggered a neural impulse in their brain that made an emotion that chose evil. Yet, we forget that there is a war going on. We think that God is mysteriously behind everything that happens with some kind of secret plan for an ultimate good.

7 selected quotes

Well bred people now do not talk about “the world, the flesh, and the devil”; they speak of “environment, heredity, and circumstances.” Anonymous

In Brazil there grows a common plant, which forest-dwellers call the matador, or “murderer.” Its slender stem creeps at first along the ground; but no sooner does it meet a vigorous tree, than, with clinging grasp, it cleaves to it, and climbs it, and, as it climbs, keeps, at short intervals, sending out arm-like tendrils that embrace the tree. As the murderer ascends, these ligatures grow larger, and clasp tighter. Up, up, it climbs a hundred feet, nay, two hundred if need by, until the last loftiest spire is gained and fettered. Then, as if in triumph, the parasite shoots a huge, flowery head above the strangled summit, and thence, from the dead tree’s crown, scatters its seed to do again the work of death. Even thus, worldliness has strangled more churches than ever persecution broke. Coley

An eagle, flying over a valley of ice, discovered a carcass, upon which it descended, and feasted so long, that its wings became frozen to the ice. In vain it struggled to mount upward: a vivid emblem of worldly desires. Anonymous

Our prayers often resemble the mischievous tricks of town children, who knock at their neighbor’s houses and then run away; we often knock at heaven’s door and then run off into the spirits of the world; instead of waiting for entrance and answer, we act as if we were afraid of having our prayers answered. Williams

God has three kinds of servants in the world—1) slaves, who serve Him from a principle of fear; 2) hirelings, who serve Him for the sake of wages; 3) sons, who serve Him under the influence of love. Anonymous

When Scoresby was selecting his men to accompany him in his Arctic explorations, he needed sailors who could stand the severest of exposures, and who had nerve to bear the worst trials. So every man who applied to accompany the expedition was made to stand barefooted on a great block of ice while the surgeon examined his body, and Scoresby inquired as they had not nerve to endure the test. The men who stood the trial made up a band of the most glorious heroes. So sometimes God tries us when he has in store for us some great undertaking. Many faint and excuse themselves from the start. Some endure, and make the heroes and leaders of the church. Vail

Lost intimacy

I feel overwhelmed, entangled, consumed by this cloud that lay over my heart. This feeling floods over me and nearly knocks me out. It’s like being lost when you know right where you are. It’s a feeling you can’t describe…it’s…lost intimacy. I try to ignore it, but it keeps sneaking up on me. I run away, it catches up to me. I try to fight it off, but it won’t leave me alone. It lingers around me as if it’s mocking me. It's Life, love, hope, faith, it’s all being choked out of me.

playful rhyme time followed by a thoughtless thought

I can’t be, I won’t be, like everyone else just trying to act like somebody else. I should be, I must be all that I am, though that may mean, I may not be seen, as someone who’s cool, but rather the fool.

Over yonder, I still ponder what I lack to be loved back. So here I wait, for that special date, to come around and for love to abound.
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I don't need to talk to someone now. I don't even feel like it really. However, after reading an insightful post, I realized what it is that kind of has me down. The thought that there aren't many people that I feel i can talk to in the event that I DO need to talk to someone...in the event that something DOES indeed happen and I need a lot of support. ...I think that's all about that. I guess it's just an irrational fear that i have...I am not down because things are going bad, but by the lack of support in case something does. Does that even make sense? haha.

OK. I usually don't like to post many blogs at once because i don't think people will read my previous ones. However, I will go out on a limb here and trust that you will read my previous blogs that I just wrote tonight as well! :) Thanks!

"waking the dead" part 1

I have recently been reading "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge. It's a great book so far. There are two points I wish to make note of in regards to my reading so far. There is a third point as well, but that will be discussed at a future time.

1) "...the Enemy knows how vital the heart is, even if we do not, and al his forces are fixed upon its destructino. For if he can disable or deaden your heart, then he has effectively foiled the plan of God, which was to create a world where love reigns. By taking out your heart, the Enemy takes out you..." Do not let any thing, any person, any circumstance, nor any hurt serve to deaden your heart. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23).
2) The author talked a lot about how Jesus used stories. He spoke in parables. Why didn't he just tell us the facts? I know that's what I want all the time...the facts, just the facts. But the language of your heart is not just written in the facts. Your hearts language is stories, tales, adventures. We find a way to relate to stories. Stories find a way to open our eyes to more than what is around us. Makes us see the potential for more for our lives! Stories speak to my heart in a way that "mere facts" cannot. I realized this to be true when I watch movies. When I think that God has come to make men free, I think...well, that's cool! But when I watch a movie like Braveheart and see a character fight for the freedom of his people...i somehow get it in a fresh way. I don't write stories, I write about my opinions and my take on certain issues. Hopefully, I will write more about "facts" that will serve to edify others. And there is definitely a very useful and needed purpose for that. But likewise, and even more so, let the story tellers rise up!

politics

I heard Jay Severin talk today on the radio. It got me fired up about a few things i have to vent about.

Torture: OK. Sleep deprivation, or being sent to tickle land, or even acts of humiliation do not consitute as torture. And contrary to many people's opinions, this form of coersion can be used to save many innocent lives. End of story.

Canadians live under the blanket of protection from America. They benefit from taxpayers money going to the military. They benefit from thousands of soldiers blood, sweat and tears. And what do some of them do? They boo the American National Anthem. Holy Crap! It's not everyone, but what were those few idiots at the game thinking? This does not warrant any further comments.

Ariel Sharone (sp?) had a stroke. Pat Robertson thinks God was punishing him for dealing with Palestine. Aye. This is why people don't want to be Christians. Why does God always have to be punishing someone? C'mon Pat, get with it.

Voting: I have been saying this all along, but it was nice when Jay echoed my thoughts. We don't want the voting population to increase. Most of the people that don't vote now, wouldn't be very educated voters...come to think of it, have the voters nowadays aren't educated voters. Let's stop trying to get every nut job to vote and instead work on educating people about the issues already!

Another bonehead judge: OK...get this...a young child was raped by a guy for four years between the ages of 6-10 years old. The creep who did this goes before the judge and guess what the judge sentenced him with? Go ahead, throw a number out. 20? 40? 60? Correct, he got 60...SIXTY DAYS! I hope to the heavens that this story is not fully accurate. I hope there was some mis-information there! The reasons the judge stated for giving him that sentence is: 1) "he'll just get angrier in prison." 2) "After 25 years on the bench I no longer believe in punishment." OK. perhaps, you should stop sitting on the bench then you jerk! I am not trying to make a case for capital punishment, but there was a time in America, not too long ago, when the rapist would be getting a knock on his door late at night and be greeted by some manly men waiting to show him a thing or two with a rope. The second door that the townsfolk would knock on would be the judge's door. Do people stand for this crap?!

dumb "men" and a follow-up on "born again"

I get really pissed off when I think of husbands who don’t love their wives, fathers who don’t spend time with their children. How fortunate they are and they throw away life’s greatest blessings! I want to love a woman and spend time with my children. I deeply desire to be a good husband and good father. Yet, I don’t have the opportunity. I’m not saying all fathers and husbands are bad. It just irks me to hear of stories of husbands who leave their wives lonely at home so they can delight themselves in their work. To hear stories of father’s that leave their kids because they are too busy spending time in their own pursuits. argh
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God’s light can radiate through me whether I am feeling frustrated or even if I am not feeling God myself. It’s not my emotions or how I am feeling that day that will touch someone. It’s not even my personality. It is the spirit of God inside me. Things to remember: 1) God wants to radiate His glory through us. 2) It’s not based on our emotions. 3) We get “filled up with more of Him” (in a matter of speaking) the more time we spend with Him. 4) Make a choice to have God’s love and presence “ooze” out of us onto others.

The goal: To have God's presence radiate through us, the love of God emanate through us and the power of God flow through us so others can be touched by His presence.

I was at Walmart about a week ago, and let me tell you, I was finding quite difficult to love! I was one or two seconds away from pointing out one lady’s absent mindedness (in a very not nice way) and .5 seconds away from telling one guy off (this guy was giving the cashier a difficult time so I would have felt justified in that situation). Nevertheless, I realized that when we try to love in our own strength, we can only do so much. I also realized I need my soul cleaned out a little better to be able to see people the same way that Jesus does. Yes, make it a point to show love to people when you can. Make it simple or be creative. But there is also a more excellent way to love. That way is grounded in the fact that we are a new creation in Christ and we have the very love of God living within us.

Memorable quotes from my college tennis team

“Matt, your milk sucks.”
- Erik
“I’m a kinky woman.”
- Matt
“Erik, do you want a vibrator? (fyi, i was referring to the vibration dampener used on tennis rackets...oops).
- Matt
“The blond on her hair is head.”
- Micah
“I saw a drummer that had no head once. Actually it was an octopus.”
- Dan Byler
“I’m allergic to water.”
- Dan Byler
“My pace is feeling.”
- Jake
“I don’t think diesel has anything to do with breaking.”
- Erik
“Life is full of struggles. Genital herpes is one of them.”
- T.V.
“Mr. Holland’s what?”
- Erik
“I’ll take the ugly ones.”
- Erik
“If we can’t find something to do I’m gonna take up smoking.”
- Erik
“I don’t want to damage my blond eyes.”
- Erik
“The pool entrance is on the 2nd floor.”
- group
“We don’t have any silverware cause ya’ll have been eatin’ them all.”
- Erik
“Elevate me.”
-Chris

“Who wants both?” - Coach
“of each?” - Piper

“I have to call my mom… I mean my girlfriend.”
- Dan Byler
“My dad was the model for the pringles guy.”
- Dan Byler

“Does he do magic tricks?” - Coach
“That’s why they call him a magician.” - Monica, the waitress

“She’d make a straight man out of me.”
- Dan Byler
“I don’t pay attention very much.”
- Piper
“He gave me the stiff one eye.”
- As Good as it Gets