Rejection (3) the last one

i have put off posting this for quite some time now ( perhaps a month?) just because i don't have a desire to write about it anymore. Yet, i want to get this out of my draft folder, so here it is.

Girls: I have been rejected by girls TONS! Part of the reason is that I act differently around girls. I am self-conscious a lot. I am a cool guy until I talk to a girl I like and then I turn into a bumbling idiot. When those special few get to know me, I am not so self-conscious. Then they really start to get to know the real Matt. When this happens, bonds form and then I make a move, if I end up liking the girl, and then I get rejected. 1) So girls don’t like who I initially portray myself to be (I am simply not good at “playing the game” or being suave around girls). That’d be fine, but they also 2) don’t like who I really am upon getting to know me either. I open myself up and have been shut down time after time after time. At work earlier this week, one of the clients told his case manager that he wants a girlfriend but can’t get out. The case manager replied, “if you want a girlfriend, and don’t have one, you have to look at yourself, find out what’s wrong and why you don’t have one.” Is it possible that I'm not the reason I don't have a girlfriend? Perhaps it's just not the right time...(Ironically, not be honest, I don't want one right now anyway...I have some stuff i want to work out in my own life...so what the heck am i complaining about?!)

I always heard of those who have been hurt so often by love that they come to a point in their life where they are no longer able to freely give their love. It becomes difficult for them to love for fear that they will once again be left with a broken heart. I often wondered what is wrong with these people? I often wondered how can someone give up on experiencing mutual love? "The greatest thing in all the world is just to love and to be loved in return." I realized today that I had become like those people without even knowing it. Not that I am quick to run from love when it stares me in the face, and not that I am scared of the possibility of love. Yet, during those times when love is unsure and all the possibilities abound, it is then when I find myself in a catatonic state. Why? i no longer possess the wonder of what "could be" and instead I am left paralyzed by what "may not be." This is true in relationships with girls, friendships with guys and pursuing all that God may have for me in my life (His calling for example). Perhaps there's a fear of rejection and a fear of failure. I don't know. And to be honest, next time my heart is captured by another fair young maiden, I am sure I will once again risk all in the hopes of being her prince. It scares me and I may get hurt, but the possible prize which lay ahead is too precious to turn a blind eye to (did i just end a sentence in a preposition?)