the real deal, part 1

Sometimes i feel like i spend more time editing past blogs than writing new ones. Anyway...I realized something while at church today. It probably came in to my mind by something my roommate wrote on his blog not too long ago. I realized that the closer I grow with God, the more alive life feels. Everything is so much more real...life is in 3-D and it is full. Now I know that sounds positive, but the problem is that just as much as the joys are greater because of life feeling more "alive", so also the painful times feel more real and alive. When I just try to coast by in my life, and enter "escape mode" (by drowning all my attention and focus in movies, tv, etc.) I don't feel as much. When I don't feel as much, the pain isn't as severe. I know I am not being eloquent with my words and as such, I apologize. But I hope this is at least getting to the point. What am I trying to say? I guess as joys and pain increase along side of each other in my life, I continue to grow as well. I imagine that if I didn't feel so alone all this would be manageable and even viewed as a good thing. Pain and hurt and sorrow do not scare me. As a Christian, I expect it, and have learned how to redeem bad circumstances and situations. What scares me is having nobody to share my life with...having nobody to share my pain with. I am someone free of pretense, free of performance...someone who is just real. The reality of the situation is that I hurt. And growing with God now frightens me. Probably because making time for God also means time to myself. The closer i get to the Light of Jesus, the more apparent the realities of life become. It's not that which I see that presently frightens me, but the vast nothingness in my life, the fact that I don't see anything, that causes such trepidation in allowing myself to "live the abundant life." I have confidence and place my trust in the fact that God is an everpresent help and a comforter to His people. He does not leave us, nor forsake us. He is actively pursuing to carry out His great plan in every one of our lives. He is good, just, fair...He is simply beautiful in His holiness. I believe that and am thankful for that!