the ugly duckling

Personal frustration It's been a while since my last entry. Too much is going on externally and internally to even know what to write about. Many changes are taking place in the near future. I will be changing my living situation and location. But I am not sure when or any of the details behind it as of yet. I may be changing my church. I'm not sure yet, but i guess we'll see shortly. I may be changing my job as well. If so, am I getting another job? Going to seminary? I don't know. Either way, I need some money so that if I don't get married some day I will at least have enough money to adopt and raise a kid myself. I will have my own family even if I have to construct it myself dammit! (yes I just swore, get over it). Having faith that God will help me out in this area is tough for me right now I admit. He's always been faithful, yet my pain pushes me closer to doubt. I feel like for me to have an opportunity to experience mutual love with a girl, it will have to come from me doing everything just right and making it happen myself. That's a bad way to feel and too much pressure. I won't go into my sob story about how I feel like girls just don't see what I great guy I am. But...THEY DON'T! Yes, many of you who know me can attest I have many many annoying attributes that are a part of who I am. Whether it's my body that you find replusing or my sense of humor that irks you so, i don't care. My body is finely chiseled machine and I make myself laugh. Nevertheless (or is it nonetheless, i can never remember) I don't feel valued, understood or appreciated for who I truly am and what I have to offer. When you feel like nobody gets you, it sucks. I wasn't made to be alone, and though I am trying to learn and grow in the season I am in, I have grown quite annoyed by the season and want it changed (much like my roommate who is hating summer and is eagerly anticipating and longing for fall). I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship...hell, i feel like i have a lot to offer to the world. But still, for some reason, I just keep flowing along with me life, letting time pass me by. At times, hiding from life because it doesn't hurt as much when I hide. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I am just lonely without anyone to share myself with. There is someone who genuinely seems to understand many frustrations, but she is married and I have to be careful getting to close to her. I am sure there are others too, but right now I just feel lost with the whole thing. I just don't feel like i fit in anywhere. It's not that I feel like the world is passing me by and everyone is going on ahead without me. Instead I feel like I am charting waters that have not often been crossed and nobody will go with me. I feel like the odd (ugly) duckling who just doesn't have a place to swim (nor anyone to swim with).