long time no write

I haven't been writing for a while and I just recently figured out why. The reason is twofold. One, I am in a learning mode, reading books, being introspective, that kind of thing. During such a time, I generally like to just process things myself. So, I've been doing that and also chatting to some people about it to sharpen my learning. Two, I don't have much new to write lately. Everything that I have written about recently is still a major issue. Same frustrations, same questions, same everything. I don't want to continue to say the same stuff over and over again using different words. Unfortunately, I am just kind of in a rut. I need something different to happen in my life or I need to make something happen. Just not really sure the action steps to take to make such a thing happen.

Also, I am generally wired lately. Work has me annoyed, my personal life (what there is of it) is irritating, and when I come home to my place of rest and relaxation I feel exasperated. I am relatively a calm and gentle person, but lately I feel like I could just tell someone off. It's not bad to speak up and express yourself, but i'm starting to think I may be getting like my dad was. For example, "You don't like it, suck off!" Anyway, I haven't gotten to that point, yet for some reason I feel like it could happen. I remember days, days not too distant, when I used to be filled with joy and laughter. I'd feel more free and excited about life. Not that I wasn't sad or lonely during these times, but I felt more alive, like my life had more of a purpose and my soul felt stirred. Maybe during these times I didn't live so much of my life in my head. Perhaps I allowed myself to experience more of life. Needless to say, currently, I don't feel like I am allowing myself to experience much at all. And I don't know what to change.

Piggybacking on my last paragraph...I am currently in a situation where I do not feel like I am in control. Most areas of my life where I may want a change (job, where I am living, who I am living with, church, etc.) I can change! I can harbor hope that things will get better. Why? Because if it doesn't, I can make some changes and alter those things so that I am as fulfilled and satisfied as possible (i know life isn't perfect, but you get the point). However, I do not have control over having a girlfriend. Yes, this is where you say, "arghh....not this again." And I say, "now you know why i haven't been writing lately!":) It does not seem to matter what I do, I cannot get a girlfriend. I am actually losing hope that I will ever get married! Maybe I lack certain social graces, maybe I don't run in the right circles, whatever the case, I am lost. I have gone at least four years without a girlfriend. That's a long time for a funny, down to earth, good looking chap like myself! I say four years AT LEAST because my last relationship was off and on and was hardly a real relationship. If I don't include that, I haven't had a girlfriend for 7 years! Yes, I am counting the years so that I can get all of your pity! mwahahaha...you see, pity has done wonders for me...that's a different story. For the record, my off and on relationship that I referred to was with a girl who is a great person with a good heart. We just didn't and don't mesh "that way." I'm actually wrong for letting things go the way they did...just for the record.

I have gone from just living my life and trusting that "in the right time the right girl will come along" to searching for her, even by such means as online dating sites as eharmony.com. I am sure some ignorant person will say, "Matt, you can't control whether you have a girlfriend and you therefore can't control whether or not you have someone to share your life with at the current time...so just be happy with where you are at and spend time doing what you want to do, then you won't be lonely!" "Someone can say, when you stop looking for and stop worrying about a girlfriend, then that is the time that someone will come into your life." That may be true, but my one question is this: do i just ignore this gaping whole I feel in my heart? I can't fill it with something else (put your time and energy into sports or work or school) because that doesn't get to the root of the problem. It's like putting a bandaid over the cut...no worse yet, it's like putting dirt in the cut to fill the cut. It actually infects you that way. Having hobbies and things you enjoy are very important to have. That's what I wish I could do more of actually, perhaps that would make me feel more alive (see above paragraph). But those things should be a part of my life to fill other needs I have, so I can't prostitute those great things over to the whole in my heart. The whole in my heart isn't something that God should be filling either (we all have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts), so don't start giving me some bad theological christian cliche (I don't respond well to those). God isn't in just one part of my life, but He transcends into each area of my life. Through time, I am learning how to let His will happen in every aspect of my life, great and small. However, even while serving God and being close to Him, I still have a gaping whole in my heart. What am I left to do? Ignore it? (Yes, that's a rhetorical question). OK. this time i mean it, next blog will be positive!