another useless blog

I made a mini-promise to myself that I would not talk about my job anymore after my last blog entry...or at least keep my comments at a minimal. So I will do that. I actually almost got in trouble last week for not telling co-workers that they should wear a seatbelt while driving. Absolutely unbelievable! I'm speechless...almost. The argument is that since I am the safety coordinator and wearing a seatbelt is NOT common sense...(yes, according to the boss of my manager, it is NOT common sense to wear a seat belt) then perhaps I was slightly to blame that one of my co-workers did not tell the client that she was driving to wear a seatbelt during a recent auto accident. I know that sentence has poor structure, but I hope you got the point. By the way, I live in Massachusettes. In this state, it is the law to wear a seatbelt. Must I, as the safety coordinator, explain every law that this state has? Must I explain every possible safety hazard, regardless of how ridiculously obvious it is? Hey, don't put your finger in a blender when it is use! Don't put your hand in the toaster! Where would I draw the line of what is common sense and what is not with these kind of people? OK...that was much longer than expected.

I am actually in a great mood. I had a good day at work and got tons of work done! I was also able to eat a lot of calories too! Yes I know you all hate me, but I am trying to actually GAIN weight, so i am trying to eat 3100 calories a day. And it is very difficult for me! Tomorrow, I am hoping to get onto a more purposeful topic, but for now I feel like talking about ME.

One last thing. I hung out with Melinda yesterday. I had tons of fun. She's a great girl! I think I am amazed at how easy it is for her to "consider others higher than herself" and put others first. She also told me that some of our friends think highly of me. It's funny how I can be so encouraged to know that I am thought highly of by close friends. It's not that I even try to impress people, but I have been rejected by girls many many times. When people that are close tell me that they think highly of me, it is encouraging! I also heard, through the grapevine, that a bunch of my friends in college (the girls) would often wonder who I would marry, thinking that the girl that I marry will be someone very special (implying perhaps that I am quite special myself:)). When I find myself alone, thoughts like that can help give me hope.

MY JOB

OK. First of all, I need a new job. I don’t know if I have had two seconds to breathe during the past three months, and yet my coworkers (making the same as I, mind you) are sitting down watching tv or making up things to do so that they give the illusion of being busy. I am actually more insulted that they think they can fool me by false hustle than if they just admitted to me that they just bombed on the shift and didn’t do anything. Don’t insult me by thinking you can fool me. I am smarter than that! It’s the acknowledgement that I would like. [Note to my fellow staff: I’m not delusional and I do not work well with fellow employees who are. Stop thinking…you know what? I’ll stop my sentence there. I was going to say stop thinking you have “sooo” much work you do. Stop thinking you can fool me. But I can’t say “stop thinking.” If, by the grace of God, you could start thinking…even the slightest bit…even if it’s to come up with a better lie as to why you aren’t working, kudos! I’d appreciate it.] I cannot even begin to wrap my head around how some people in my field think. From management on down, they don’t make sense. I don’t know if they even try to. I would love to get into tons of specifics, but I cannot for I would be here all day…I wish I were kidding! Management does not develop the weaker workers, and instead they actually pander to them and make their life easier. Management will appease the stronger workers by letting them complain, but nothing ever happens in the long run to get the problems solved. Whether the weaker workers endanger clients (this happens many times in many different forms by both of our stellar girl workers) or they just can’t seem to do the job well…NOTHING happens. Steal hours? No problem. Steal money? Oh well, next time take more! Can’t work today? That’s OK, I have two workers that will do your work for you anyway! I’m open to criticism, but it’s at the point where if the management says something to me after they let all this other stuff go with these other workers, I may lose it. One person I work with has so little judgment that she has actually become a liability in the house and to the program. She shouldn’t be there. The other girl can do a little, but she is about as honest as a long nosed Pinocchio. She is deceitful down to her very core. I don’t like to talk about people this way, but in fact, I am understating my point. Half the people I work with should be either institutionalized or at the very least be put up for consideration for the next open room in the house. In case you didn’t know, I work at a mental health group home. I’m not a big shot, but if myself and the other guy who works there quit, then the management would have to double each of the time to just get by. Maybe it’s not managements fault, maybe these other workers cannot be developed, but if not, then why the heck do they still have a job?! Hire some Mexican guy. He may not speak English, and he may not know what he’s doing, but he’ll give you his best effort. In my field, you cannot give merit wages because then if other workers find out about one person getting a raise they’ll wonder and complain about why they didn’t get one. I say, GOOD! Maybe then we’ll get into some useful discussions around how lazy and/or inept you are! Phew, not that I didn’t mean what I said, but that was not very nice, so I apologize. I don’t feel bad enough to go back and delete this paragraph, but enough to write these last couple of sentences.

One last thing. What I have mentioned are staff problems. Keep in mind that I work at a mental health group home with people who have psychotic problems. I was yelled at three times in the past two days, people saying I am a hateful human being. I am full of hate. I don’t do anything to help them. I just care about making their life miserable (yeah, I have nothing better to do with my life than have verbal battles with mentally ill clients, get verbally assaulted and abused by them, and my hands are tied as to what I can say back). I just work there for the money (HAHAHA, yeah right!). I am sure if you read the above paragraph, you may tend to agree with these clients about my level of compassion and love. It was not necessarily evidenced in how I talked about my fellow employees. However, anyone who knows me would vouch that I am a warm, gentle, compassionate and caring person. I know some of these people are delusional, so I should expect it right? Well, the difficulty is that some of the staff doesn’t work on treatment with the clients, and instead they leave that “hard stuff” to the “guys” and just buddy up to the clients. So Matt or ______ is the bad guy. I don’t think I generally care what most people think of me. However, it gets tiring. Now, someone could say, “Matt find another job. After all, you seemingly have these skills and ability to do so much more.” Thanks for the compliment…and I agree. However, I cannot seem to find that something else.

...this is my life

Boy, I’ve been doing great keeping up with this thing…yeah…so, I realize that my entries would be much more stimulating if I just gave my thoughts about certain issues and stayed away from a running diary of my life. But, I’m not going to do that for now, so deal with it!J If you want to read an amusing, intriguing and/or thought provoking blog then click on this link:

http://seethed.blogspot.com/

Has anyone ever gotten frustrated by feeling like their life just isn’t going anywhere? I realized that tonight about my life. Relationally, I don’t see any promising people coming into my life in the near future, and I don’t seem to be really connecting with the friends I have now. I don’t know if I am supposed to be going to seminary, quit my low paying job in a field where everyone is either incompetent or a lying deceitful person, or find some other vocation where I may find my “calling.” Nothing is really happening and my life is just in a rut. I may start going to another church fairly soon. It’s tough to be in a church where my needs aren’t being met and I am having difficulty finding where I can be of help. There is a new church that will be starting soon in this area, and that is kind of exciting I guess. Speaking of church, I have something to say about Christians…I don’t know how to say this, so I will just make it short. …nope, sorry. I change my mind. I don’t think you are ready to read that yet. Maybe in due time my young padawan.

So…I realize I have said nothing during this entire entry, and perhaps that’s ok. Maybe I just want to get something…anything back on here so that I will be motivated to write once again and be able to express myself…even if it’s only to my computer. I guess I am overwhelmed. I have so much going on in my mind and seemingly nothing actually happening in my life. So I am left not knowing where to start or even what to write.

long time no write

I've been advised (by the one person who reads my blog) to update this more frequently. Due to the fact that the world revolves around her, I am compelled to grant her request. Gosh...since last time I wrote in this thing a lot has happened. So...i will daily give a brief summary of what's been happening. Today: Homegroup.

I have been asked to take over my previous position as a homegroup leader. I stepped down a little more than a year ago due to a fall into sin due to idolatry in my heart and brokeness in my soul. I am unsure if I will take the position because I want to make sure that my heart is resting in a place of intimacy and reliance in the Holy Spirit. We have more to offer our brothers and sisters in the church and we have more to offer the world the more we spend time in His presence. It's imperative for leaders to be intimately close to Jesus. Before taking the position, I must take a close introspective look at my time, and see if there are some things that I have put more time or energy into other than God. It's not about perfection or performance, it's about devotion. And it's not even that my devotion wins over God's favor. My best actions and most holy moments do not merit God's favor, yet His grace is extravagant! When we realize how much God has given to us, in His grace, compared to what we deserve, when we realize how much we owe Him...it moves us to labor to serve God. Not in order to pay Him back, but to show our gratitude for all He has done.

There is much going on in me right now. Some expectation, pain, joy, frustration, hope, disappointment, confusion...much of which i will delve into in the next couple of blog entries. Hopefully then, i will have caught myself up in catching you all up!:)

aye

Holy crap...what a day. I got a call from a good friend this morning telling me that she is engaged. And since she may be the only one to actually read this, CONGRATULATIONS DEBBIE! That is very good to hear; I'm so happy for you:) On to other, less exciting news...Ministry time after church was great today. I got prayed for and had some good words spoken to me. Pretty encouraging stuff. I had a great lunch with some friends after church. I had a very nice talk with one of my closer friends, dena. I went to work today and watched three movies and slept through half of one...and i still worked just as much as my coworkers. Amazing:) Yet, i guess i can't complain if i watched three movies. I got back from work, had a good talk with my roommate, and we may write a book together. Now...I sleep. NIGHT!

the day after...

OK. I got to hang out with people for three days in a row. So that's great! It was a different crowd that i ate (post-church) lunch with today than in previous sunday's, but definitely fun nonetheless. Actually, it was the third day in a row that Cara and I (with varied other people) ate out somewhere. Do i have any money left? Church was interesting. Dena wasn't there today, so even church was weird. I had a weird guy sitting next to me instead:) Just kidding, he's cool. I also saw noreen in church (an old friend with some messed up history between us, but still friends nonetheless).

Things i want prayer for: 1) I want to do "ministry" but don't know what or where or how. Iam not sure of the "calling" that I have. 2) for intimacy with God to be deepened to a new level. 3) that my personal studies may prove to bebeneficial and spur on actions that will produce fruit as well. 4) God has taught me a lot about guy/girl relationships this year. And i'd really liketo find the kind of girl He has for me. 5) for deeper relationships within the church (deeper unity?) and for me to be able to just seek God's face with other guys.

happy birthday

Well, my birthday has come and gone. Like always, it's just another day. I was welcomed by my parents coming to visit in the morning and also having dinner with them and cara. I had a lot of fun. It was also nice to get phone calls and emails from people wishing me (and in some cases singing to me) happy birthday. Always nice to be thought of. Well, i may actually get to sleep before my birthday ends...weird. Not much else to say today. Feeling kind of down now and i am not sure why. but tomorrow is a new day. so...hope all is well and until next time...

my random thoughts as of late

wow...i haven't written in this for a while. I apologize to my loyal fan base who read this every day. You must have been deeply troubled. So...today I cleaned out my refrigerator (oh my gosh, i need to do that more often, i had something living in my butter spread). Really...it was sick! We've found a roommate too. That's good news. Hopefully, it will work out well. At least I don't have to pay 900 dollars each month for rent and utilities anymore. I've gotten a lot of studying done, and I am interested to keep getting more in depth. That's exciting...but i really need to and want to go out and have more fun...it'd be nice if i was cool enough to get dates. That'd be fun too. I need to find out what the ladies don't like about me as it's simply been too long. I've had some nice times alone, but it's getting tiring. On to happier things, I think I am going to go play some of my guitar now. Worship...it does a body good:) See ya!

numa numa dance

I am sure that half the blog world has this link in their blog, but it's worth including in mine too. I don't know why, but oh my gosh, it's too funny:)

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/206373

sleepless in danvers

All right. I went to sleep at 7:30 am yesterday and now it's 4am on sat. morning and i am writing a blog. What is wrong with me?! I saw "man on fire" last night and watched "saw" tonight. I want to stay up until 7am for the CBD sale, but i am sooo tired. I am kind of taking over a lot of the assistant manager's responsibilities at my job, while still doing a lot of my responsibiltiies as well. It's tough because the way that our group home is set up, with the policies and regulations, and because of who the provider is...it is CRAZY! You never have a "normal" day. That makes for an enjoyable job, with no boredom. Yet...my gosh, i end up taking the job home with me because there is so much stuff that i can be doing. And yet, some co-workers complain because they have to do house laundry...what a good lesson in learning how to bite my tongue!:) By the way, does anyone think it's normal to eat steak and mashed potatoes at 12 midnight? that was me:)

no point whatsoever

I keep looking at the number of comments that I get from my posts. Now, upon realizing that nobody at all reads this, I will continue to write. Why? Because i enjoy it...so there! *insert scrunchy face with my tongue sticking out. I actually have NOTHING to say. I have stuff that I did today, but i hate when people write stuff in here that nobody cares about. stuff that your dog would run away from if you tried telling her. Well, i think i will go take another walk in the snow after finishing my jeremy camp songs. Blessings to all who read this...so...blessing to me!

i'm weird...

I am going to refer to myself in the third person throughout this email so that I do not associate myself with...myself:) OK, so the day starts off with Matt going to the doctor's to get his big toe checked out. Ends up little Matt has an ingrown toenail...awww poor baby. So the doctor puts novacaine in his foot (it's weird putting novacaine in a part of your body that doesn't drool when you try to use it). Not bad...after a couple of minutes, Matt gets queezy (sp?) and almost faints. PATHETIC! The doctor eventually, once Matt quits being a whiny little squid monkey, cuts Matt's nail and now he's in recovery mode. The doctor says that Matt can do all the same stuff he could always do, he doesnt even have to baby it...but it's hard to not baby it when you try to walk on your feet (as opposed to something else? haha) and you can't feel your big toe.

Now he's trying to watch some romantic movie. Why does he do this too himself? He can't even eat like normal people when he's watching a sad movie. Instead of eating a whole carton of ice cream, he eats a whole carton of strawberries. P.S. "Whiny little squid monkey" HAHA...that made me laugh:)

elongated days

I need to go to sleep sometime before 4am when i get back from work tonight...sooo sleepy:) After church dena and i got to hang out with like 10 students from gordon conwell. it was great to get to meet people my age from church and chat with them. I got back home and a friend returned a phone call. That was great. It's always fun and enjoyable to talk to her. I would do well to listen to her. "Trust in God's goodness. He has your best interests at heart." That's tough when there are things i want soo bad:) I know she's right though. All right, gotta run to work...(working off 1.5 hours of sleep...). PEACE!

beautiful soul

beautiful soul by jesse mccartney. nice lyrics...and...yeah...

[Chorus] I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

[Verse #1] I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

[Chorus]

[Verse #2] You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry, c'mon let's try

[Chorus]

[Break] Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just want to know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

much much too busy for you!

All right...it's four in the morning, so i'll make this quick. If you have faith for something (ie. healing), that faith will yield hope inside of you. When you have that hope, it's tough to move on with your life until you see that which you had faith for...You know, it is almost damaging to have faith anymore because of the way it sickens one's heart when they get let down. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Perhaps that is because we put our hope in the wrong thing? Yet, if we are hopeful of something that is Scriptural and God's heart, then...don't we have reason to hope for that? The only other thing i need to say is about feeling overwhelmed. It's crazy, perhaps the first time in my life i feel overwhelmed, but yet i am still not feeling stressed. It's like, God gave me such a soft heart emotionally so that i can feel everything so deeply. Yet, when it comes to being busy and having tons of things on my plate, i just roll with the punches and let things go where they will...even if i feel overwhelmed...weird. So, the majority of my "free time" is going to corresponding with people through email and getting some views straightened out in my head so that i can start researching them. These are on my list: 1) healing. how it takes place. dependant on holy living for holy power, or is it a faith and reliance upon God which we don't utilize? 2) How firmly does sin have a grip on us. is it's "strangle hold" on us reality or a lie from Satan to deceive us into thinking we are in bondage (and there's no way out). 3) Gregory Boyd. What is God's will and how often is it done? How much of God's hand is present in the world today? In everything? Does He work EVERYTHING out for an ultimate good? 4) Intimacy with God. In the old testament there were prayer meeting tents where people would meet and the cloud of the Lord would hover over it and His presence would manifest there. If there were such a place like that today, floods of us would go there to meet with God. One problem...after the new covenant, we are promised so much more than that. We are supossedlygiven full access to His presence through this covenant. We're missing something. When the veil was torn, not only did everyone now have access to God, but an even better picture is that now God burst out of the holy of holies so that He could be in our presence. If that's His heart why aren't we experiencing His presence in more fulness?

Need an apprentice...

I have so many thoughts and things that I am trying to study and research right now, everything is so hectic. I think it will be very beneficial if i can get to the bottom of some of these things...I need a secretary!:)

I can start to see the light...

"I was thinking i might be a little depressed, but the more i am thinking about everything, it might be more of some kind of oppression. I just feel sooo demoralized, which, instead of forcing me to run into the arms of the Father, causes more of a sense of hopelessness and grief. Unfortunately, it makes for much more difficulty in even pursuing God in little things. I am trying to just press on to know God in the midst of it, but i am feeling more pulled away from Him than I am being drawn to Him...if that makes sense." --2/9/05

Upon further reflection, there is more to it than just that. What i was experiencing was a darkenss where I think Satan was trying to cloud me from seeing my circumstances more clearly, and as such, causing feelings of frustration and futility and "darkness." Also...it's amazing how dull and "dark" life is when we don't have a sense of purpose or enjoyment. when we aren't constantly in meaningful fellowship. It's not fulfilling. It's just the mundane, dull, life of drudgery. I think i am currently in that place where my sense of purpose is kind of lost and that is a scary place to be spiritually.

God has been helping me see what genuine trust looks like, in light of my theology and everything else. My "new theology" has caused a lot of problems for me, especially in the issue of trust, but i think that's because it's Truth, and the road to Truth isn't always a field of daisies. (More about my theology in a later email) In addition, I experienced a new revelation that He is for me. His desire is for me to press on, in the midst of my frustrations (with Him, with life, with myself, relationships, etc.) and that breakthroughs will happen, unfortunately, there will have to be more time of sitting in some pain/frustration first. Yet, He gave me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When the rubber meets the road, God's really getting me to learn deeper intimacy first. Then deeper devotion and obedience stem from that (and breakthroughs). I confess, I have some things to learn about this level of intimacy.

Here's a question: What are the consequences of sin?

Love...

For the record...I hate this holiday. I know i shouldn't, but i do. there is that. One thing that is hard for me lately is loneliness. I have spent some time with some good friends just hanging out, and i think it made me realize what i am missing by not being able to do thatmore often. Most of the loneliness is probably due to the girl thing though. Wanting a girl to share my life with...that'd be nice. I haven't had a girflriend in a long long time. I think i am ready now. I feel like girls see me as a brother more than a "possibility." I love, and that makes girls comfortable, but it sure doesn't seem to be very attractive to anyone. I won't lash out any longer on that. On to love...

It's a beautiful thing when you get past all that we have been told about it growing up in our culture...it really is! I think I have learned some things about this love, but it's not the kind of love that the world would say is love. It's not based on how a girl makes me feel and what i get out of being with her. It's not based on sexual, physical attraction. It's a love that sees her almost outside of gender lines. Yet, still seeing her as being the most beautiful soul I have ever seen, and yet, being able to see her as a friend first before seeing her as a girl. It's simply a deep love for a person where our spirits seem to bond in an amazing way.

I'm learning a wonderful thing, how deep love can go without the emotions and infatuation that kisses and hugs can start in motion. Usually those happen so soon that a time can come when one starts to wonder if he really loves the soul of the girl, because he doesn't take enough time to really know it first and love her deeply there. Now, I'm finding that I can love the soul of a girl without the physical bonding clouding the issue. That's good and healthy.

candy, family, and food

1) My parents had to put my dog to sleep a few days ago. The most troubling thought is thinking about them being alone again. Candy seemed to always brighten up their day, having another companion in the house. 2) I was thinking of a quote from the movie, garden state. The guy mentions how we had a certain idea of home when we were young. It’s weird…as we grow up and move out of our parents house, there gets to be that time when that’s no longer home. The place I live is not home. I don’t think I really have home again until I have my own family. I am scared that I will be left alone to struggle with death of my parents without the support of my family…then the struggles of everything else as well. I just don’t want to be alone. 3) ...something i am looking forward today: Going to Quiznos! That is the one thought that keeps me happy so far today:) The chicken carbanara (sp?) is perhaps the closest thing to a perfect sandwhich that you can get...mmmm...

the beginning of the end

Now you're all in big...big trouble! HAHA. I can vent all i want and express every one of my views without being stopped! mwahahaha. I haven't much to say for now. I'm just starting this up because everyone else i knew had one and i felt left out, so here I am:) Until next time...