I can start to see the light...

"I was thinking i might be a little depressed, but the more i am thinking about everything, it might be more of some kind of oppression. I just feel sooo demoralized, which, instead of forcing me to run into the arms of the Father, causes more of a sense of hopelessness and grief. Unfortunately, it makes for much more difficulty in even pursuing God in little things. I am trying to just press on to know God in the midst of it, but i am feeling more pulled away from Him than I am being drawn to Him...if that makes sense." --2/9/05

Upon further reflection, there is more to it than just that. What i was experiencing was a darkenss where I think Satan was trying to cloud me from seeing my circumstances more clearly, and as such, causing feelings of frustration and futility and "darkness." Also...it's amazing how dull and "dark" life is when we don't have a sense of purpose or enjoyment. when we aren't constantly in meaningful fellowship. It's not fulfilling. It's just the mundane, dull, life of drudgery. I think i am currently in that place where my sense of purpose is kind of lost and that is a scary place to be spiritually.

God has been helping me see what genuine trust looks like, in light of my theology and everything else. My "new theology" has caused a lot of problems for me, especially in the issue of trust, but i think that's because it's Truth, and the road to Truth isn't always a field of daisies. (More about my theology in a later email) In addition, I experienced a new revelation that He is for me. His desire is for me to press on, in the midst of my frustrations (with Him, with life, with myself, relationships, etc.) and that breakthroughs will happen, unfortunately, there will have to be more time of sitting in some pain/frustration first. Yet, He gave me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When the rubber meets the road, God's really getting me to learn deeper intimacy first. Then deeper devotion and obedience stem from that (and breakthroughs). I confess, I have some things to learn about this level of intimacy.

Here's a question: What are the consequences of sin?