And IIIII'm spent! I pity the fool who didn't see the Agassi-Blake match last night. Was it THE greatest match of all time? No. It was definitely ONE of the most enjoyable matches I have ever seen. I'd say more, but I'm speechless.
Baseball season is slowly winding to and end with playoffs quickly approaching. On top of that, football is starting up! First game is tonight! When so much else in life is frustrating, it's great to be able to retreat to meaningless activities like watching sports. What is it about sports that makes me feel euphoric at times? Chances are, there's something wrong with me, but I'm ok with that for now.
OK. This is where I am at now. I don't need to figure out where I will be going when i move out of my parents house (i haven't even got there yet), but there is a lot of thinking that I have to do. Trying to figure out what stirs my heart, what I really feel alive doing. What do I want to do? What kinds of things am I really good at? Do I have certain gifts/abilities? What are they? When I figure that out, I will at least have some direction into where to go. Whether I go to Colorado, South Carolina, Maine, or wherever to live and start life. Perhaps I will go to seminary and do that. Maybe I will want to just go somewhere to serve. Just spend some time completely focused on other people, getting my eyes completely off of me for a while and spend my time on behalf of others. Maybe that will be a mission field maybe some christian organization, i don't know. obviously, i don't know. I have some time though. Good thing my parents are letting me stay and give me some time to think things through. It'll be nice to be able to save up some money.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
a not so quick update
“Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.” This quote was on a friend of a friend's website and I wanted to steal it because it made me laugh.
OK. This very well may be the least interesting post in the world, but i wanted to update all of you (and remind me) what's on my plate as of late (that's right, I'm such a good rapper...you know it!).
I went to a wedding this weekend and I was an usher. The wedding was in South Carolina and for my best friend in high school. He was really glad that I made it, and so was I. My dad and I went down and I actually had a good time. The rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception...I actually enjoyed myself! Go figure. I'm glad my dad was able to go down there with me, it made the trip much more enjoyable. Scott, the groom, is one of the those guys who hasn't changed much, but that isn't a bad thing. He's got a great heart and you know he'd do anything for you. So it was easy to not feel sorry for myself and to just be happy for him during most of the time i was down there. Scott even came over and sat next to me during the reception and asked, "so...how are you doing?" in a way that let me know he understood that this wasn't easy for me. I didn't want to spoil his big day so i changed the subject, but the fact that he came over and asked that question when he had so much other stuff going on meant a lot. In the wedding pamphlet, he compared ourselves to David (me) and Jonathon (Scott) due to our close friendship. At the reception, I actually danced a little. And I danced one slow song with this southern bell who asked me to dance. I was stuffing my face with ice cream at the time so it took me a few seconds to respond. For the record, I really like southern girls. Their accents are addictive and they are so polite. I think they'd be able to draw me out of my shell so much more than most girls from New England just because of their extra courteous personality (not everyone obviously, and I know some of it is all just fake, but anyway...). I like 'em. The southern guys are cooler than guys from New England as well. The ones that I met were nice guys, who didn't give off any sense of being better than anyone else. They were just funny, humble guys who were quite enjoyable to be around. Apparently, my parents went to brooks pharmacy to develop the film and they somehow jammed the film. Losers. 2 other quick things: 1) directions...mapquest sucks! We got lost three times and none of those times were fully our fault. Granted, my dad didn't neccesarily serve as the greatest navigator in the passenger seat (hey dad where are we turning next? huh, i don't know! dad, you have the directions...). Anyway, we were told to take turns on roads that didn't exist and not told to take turns onto roads that we needed to travel on. It was a mess. But we found everything on time...kind of. 2) The guys pulled a good joke that fooled everyone. They pulled it off very well! When the pastor asked for the ring, the best man looked for it and couldn't find it, he looked horrified. Then the that went on down the line until the last guy looked in his pockets and was shocked to find the ring there. Everyone got a good laugh out of it. Overall, the wedding was good, but at times it just tore me apart.
Parts of the wedding made me long to be with "that special someone" so much. Luckily, I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and many things that I am trying to concentrate on and pursue. Yet still, the strain on my heart to be with someone is growing stronger. I don't even think about it, the feelings will randomly just come upon me out of nowhere. I'm trying so hard to "fight the good fight," but right now I am in survival mode and not always living or pursuing the best for my life. Instead of waiting for "God's best, i let my heart settle for counterfeits because most of the time i am just trying to make it through the day. I want to find guys to fight the fight with. I want to live for a cause greater than myself and pursue God’s calling for me. I want to spend more time in intimacy with God, receiving His strength and grace and just being in His presence like I never have before. I don’t think I am supposed to be trying to go through all these hard times alone. So all that to say that there’s things I am trying to get in place besides just having a girl. Yet, it still hurts a lot right now! So, I spend time crying out to God for more of His grace and strength so that in relying upon Him, He may be an everpresent help, even more now that I feel so alone. I’ve prayed that if there’ something stopping me from meeting the girl He has for me than for Him to reveal it to me and help me change. He told me one thing and now I fear I won’t be able to change.
I want to/need to move away (like out of state to North Carolina, Colorado, or Maine or wherever), but I just fear moving away and feeling even more alone than now. Yet, I'm alone now anyway. In eventually moving away I may just start to get out of the rut i currently find myself in now. For now, I plan on moving to my parent's house to save some more money and spent some time with them before moving again. I will keep my job here in Danvers and commute (1.5 hrs each way). I am hoping that I will be able to work something out at my job with my scheduling so that I don't have to commute so many days. I will also be asking some people in the northshore if they wouldn't mind giving me a floor to sleep on once every other week or so. That would help me not have to commute all the time as well.
OK. This very well may be the least interesting post in the world, but i wanted to update all of you (and remind me) what's on my plate as of late (that's right, I'm such a good rapper...you know it!).
I went to a wedding this weekend and I was an usher. The wedding was in South Carolina and for my best friend in high school. He was really glad that I made it, and so was I. My dad and I went down and I actually had a good time. The rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception...I actually enjoyed myself! Go figure. I'm glad my dad was able to go down there with me, it made the trip much more enjoyable. Scott, the groom, is one of the those guys who hasn't changed much, but that isn't a bad thing. He's got a great heart and you know he'd do anything for you. So it was easy to not feel sorry for myself and to just be happy for him during most of the time i was down there. Scott even came over and sat next to me during the reception and asked, "so...how are you doing?" in a way that let me know he understood that this wasn't easy for me. I didn't want to spoil his big day so i changed the subject, but the fact that he came over and asked that question when he had so much other stuff going on meant a lot. In the wedding pamphlet, he compared ourselves to David (me) and Jonathon (Scott) due to our close friendship. At the reception, I actually danced a little. And I danced one slow song with this southern bell who asked me to dance. I was stuffing my face with ice cream at the time so it took me a few seconds to respond. For the record, I really like southern girls. Their accents are addictive and they are so polite. I think they'd be able to draw me out of my shell so much more than most girls from New England just because of their extra courteous personality (not everyone obviously, and I know some of it is all just fake, but anyway...). I like 'em. The southern guys are cooler than guys from New England as well. The ones that I met were nice guys, who didn't give off any sense of being better than anyone else. They were just funny, humble guys who were quite enjoyable to be around. Apparently, my parents went to brooks pharmacy to develop the film and they somehow jammed the film. Losers. 2 other quick things: 1) directions...mapquest sucks! We got lost three times and none of those times were fully our fault. Granted, my dad didn't neccesarily serve as the greatest navigator in the passenger seat (hey dad where are we turning next? huh, i don't know! dad, you have the directions...). Anyway, we were told to take turns on roads that didn't exist and not told to take turns onto roads that we needed to travel on. It was a mess. But we found everything on time...kind of. 2) The guys pulled a good joke that fooled everyone. They pulled it off very well! When the pastor asked for the ring, the best man looked for it and couldn't find it, he looked horrified. Then the that went on down the line until the last guy looked in his pockets and was shocked to find the ring there. Everyone got a good laugh out of it. Overall, the wedding was good, but at times it just tore me apart.
Parts of the wedding made me long to be with "that special someone" so much. Luckily, I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and many things that I am trying to concentrate on and pursue. Yet still, the strain on my heart to be with someone is growing stronger. I don't even think about it, the feelings will randomly just come upon me out of nowhere. I'm trying so hard to "fight the good fight," but right now I am in survival mode and not always living or pursuing the best for my life. Instead of waiting for "God's best, i let my heart settle for counterfeits because most of the time i am just trying to make it through the day. I want to find guys to fight the fight with. I want to live for a cause greater than myself and pursue God’s calling for me. I want to spend more time in intimacy with God, receiving His strength and grace and just being in His presence like I never have before. I don’t think I am supposed to be trying to go through all these hard times alone. So all that to say that there’s things I am trying to get in place besides just having a girl. Yet, it still hurts a lot right now! So, I spend time crying out to God for more of His grace and strength so that in relying upon Him, He may be an everpresent help, even more now that I feel so alone. I’ve prayed that if there’ something stopping me from meeting the girl He has for me than for Him to reveal it to me and help me change. He told me one thing and now I fear I won’t be able to change.
I want to/need to move away (like out of state to North Carolina, Colorado, or Maine or wherever), but I just fear moving away and feeling even more alone than now. Yet, I'm alone now anyway. In eventually moving away I may just start to get out of the rut i currently find myself in now. For now, I plan on moving to my parent's house to save some more money and spent some time with them before moving again. I will keep my job here in Danvers and commute (1.5 hrs each way). I am hoping that I will be able to work something out at my job with my scheduling so that I don't have to commute so many days. I will also be asking some people in the northshore if they wouldn't mind giving me a floor to sleep on once every other week or so. That would help me not have to commute all the time as well.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Lions, cheetahs and bare(s) oh my!
Except for a rare exception, I haven't been able to write much since I promised that I wouldn't complain or vent...hm...interesting:) Just kidding. OK, this is what I've been up to. Yesterday I played golf. I shot a 58 on a par 35 golf course (9 holes obviously). That's 23 over par...and I'm happy about it. I realize that's pathetic and sad, but i don't care:) I will not talk about going to the gym in my effort to gain weight and I will not talk about my future moving plans. Both of those are frustrating right now and I am keeping this blog happy:) see my smile?
I saw the "movie"/documentary March of the Penguins. I did enjoy it, as I thought the penguins, especially the babies were absolutely adoreable...but seeing some of the penguins turn into popsicles in the freezing cold weather made me pretty bummed. I'm always amazed at how different animals mate, get food, nurture their young, and live their lives in general. Sometimes it's fascinating just observing the manner in which they do things. It's not that I'm impressed so much by the intellect of the animals, but just by their natural, God given sense of how to live...to survive. I've recently learned that cheetas, due to their fast metabolism, only have 3 good sprints in them to catch food. If they don't get the catch by the third try, they die. Sometimes I feel like a cheetah! Lions are a bit luckier. They have five days. The first time they go out to catch some food, they sneak up on their prey and they sprint out way to early giving all the other animals a huge headstart. The second time the lion goes out he gets a little smarter. He sneaks up on them, but when he starts chasing after them, he gets tunnel vision and will only go after the one animal he is locked in on and will end up ignoring all the other ones flying by his face. By the third try, the lion's vision expands and he catches his prey. Point is, how amazing for these animals to have this sense where they can develop these skills and learn so quickly. Granted, their survival is dependant upon it, but still, I'd love to learn things that quick.
Lastly, there are a few cultures in South America that, quite understandably, have a different sort of dress code than we do. We here in North America will cover up certain parts of our bodies so that we are not seen as being naked. No more detail is neccesary. Now, in those remote places in South America, they will wear a cord around their waist. Yes, just a cord. When asked why they wear the cord, they respond by saying, "What, and be naked?!"
I saw the "movie"/documentary March of the Penguins. I did enjoy it, as I thought the penguins, especially the babies were absolutely adoreable...but seeing some of the penguins turn into popsicles in the freezing cold weather made me pretty bummed. I'm always amazed at how different animals mate, get food, nurture their young, and live their lives in general. Sometimes it's fascinating just observing the manner in which they do things. It's not that I'm impressed so much by the intellect of the animals, but just by their natural, God given sense of how to live...to survive. I've recently learned that cheetas, due to their fast metabolism, only have 3 good sprints in them to catch food. If they don't get the catch by the third try, they die. Sometimes I feel like a cheetah! Lions are a bit luckier. They have five days. The first time they go out to catch some food, they sneak up on their prey and they sprint out way to early giving all the other animals a huge headstart. The second time the lion goes out he gets a little smarter. He sneaks up on them, but when he starts chasing after them, he gets tunnel vision and will only go after the one animal he is locked in on and will end up ignoring all the other ones flying by his face. By the third try, the lion's vision expands and he catches his prey. Point is, how amazing for these animals to have this sense where they can develop these skills and learn so quickly. Granted, their survival is dependant upon it, but still, I'd love to learn things that quick.
Lastly, there are a few cultures in South America that, quite understandably, have a different sort of dress code than we do. We here in North America will cover up certain parts of our bodies so that we are not seen as being naked. No more detail is neccesary. Now, in those remote places in South America, they will wear a cord around their waist. Yes, just a cord. When asked why they wear the cord, they respond by saying, "What, and be naked?!"
Sunday, August 21, 2005
An effigy continued
My Saturday night, like any other person my age (hint of sarcasm), consists of watching the Muppets Wizard of Oz followed by cleaning my apartment at 11:00 at night. Absolutely pathetic! It also consisted of some "childish behavior." Go to "the D's" website here to check out what the background is for this story. Seriously, you have to read it first, then come back here and read my follow-up of what transpires as a result of our "childishness." My story won't make sense till you read his. So...read it!
While peacefully in my slumber, I was awoken by the sound of two hot tempered, not very happy individuals. One my roommate (the self proclaimed “mature” one), the other his girlfriend. (note: Roommate from here on out will refer to the "bad" roommate, not Darrell) I will try to recount the story to the best of my recollection, however, the flow of conversation may not be fully there as 1) I don’t remember everything (having just woken up) and 2) there was a lot of repeating going on. The first words I heard of their conversation, while lying a little less peacefully in my bed, was this conversation:
Roommate: They’re just idiots! I’m sick of living with idiots!
Girlfriend: Do I just have a bad sense of humor? (referring to the clothes on the rafters)
Roommate: No, they do. (Even though the answer to the question should have been a resounding YES)
Girlfriend: Even my girlfriends who know me really well wouldn’t have done this to me. (I wanted to scream out that’s because your girlfriends know you well enough to know you would overreact and carry on like a baby...I resisted [pat myself on the back])
Girlfriend: A part of me feels really bad. I do leave my stuff around. I’m sorry (an apology to the roommate for seemingly causing this huge ordeal).
Roommate: It's not a problem deat. It’s a pigsty here, it was when I moved in. It’s like pigs complaining about dirt.
They slam the door, they leave the house, and then speed off in his car, screeching tires and all (big man). Two minutes later, I get a not so friendly knock on my door asking me if I can talk. I put a shirt on (so that they aren’t too intimidated by my HUGE muscles) and open the door. I find, in front of me, a very mild looking man, but a face that looked like it was about to blow fire from its nose. It was my roommate! I fought the urge to say, “how are you this fine and lovely day?” with a quaint smile. Mostly, I had all my lightheartedness zapped out of me when I opened that door finding my roommate leaning on my door frame, looking down at me from the kitchen about 1-2 feet from my face. My initial internal reaction? “Boy, you best be stepping away from my door and my face before I move you myself.” Luckily it didn’t come to that. He was upset, especially as his girlfriend was crying (yes she was sobbing for a good 15 minutes), so I decided to give him some leniency for being upset. After all, any guy would feel the need to protect and stand up for his girlfriend, right? Right. A conversation ensued.
Roommate: What was that all about? (Pointing to the rope that once held the infamous bathing suit) (At this point both him and his girlfriend asked me about 10 questions and kept talking).
Matt: OK. You asked a question, but you’re still talking. Do you want me to explain something or listen to you blow off steam?
Girlfriend: You know, you don’t have to say it like that!
Matt: (I roll my eyes and laugh and then carry on the conversation)
Roommate: Matt...this place is a pig sty. It has been ever since I moved in. (I noticed how he cut out his earlier phrase when he wasn't talking directly to me...you know the one about me being like a pig complaining about dirt).
Matt: Do you live here too? Then you can clean some of it up yourself too! It will get messy having three people live in one house.
Roommate: C'mon! I have cleaned the bathroom (this happened once in the six months he's lived here), I have done the dishes (...yikes, dude, seriously don't start with this...i've cleaned up after you like your mom, so don't...), I'm the only one to take out the trash (holy crap, I'm going to lose it), I had to buy a shower curtain because our other one got too dirty (oh, poor baby...welcome to life, now get over it).
(At this time I go on to tell him all of the things I do arond the house, much like two 5 year olds arguing over who's daddy is stronger...by the way, mine is. At this point I am almost yelling, but then I realized something. Explaining this to him won't do any good. It's like trying to explain stuff to the people I work with. This guy is really so delusional he probably thinks he really is the only one to do anything around here.)
Girlfriend: If you had a problem, you should have said something to me. I know I’m over here a lot, but if you had a problem…why didn’t you say something?
Matt: OK. First, I told your boyfriend that your clothes were on the couch couple of times.
Roommate: You never asked for me to pick it up or do something about it.
Matt: I didn’t think I had to connect the dots for you! She’s not my girlfriend and not my guest, she’s yours. Secondly, why didn’t I say something? Because the fact that your clothes were out there on the couch honestly wasn’t really a big deal to me. It didn’t serve as a huge annoyance, something that NEEDED to be talked about. When we put your bathing suit up, it was meant as a joke. Not a message that we hate you or that we want you out of our house (as she had previously alluded to). It was just a joke.
Girlfriend: How else am I supposed to take it? My clothes are up there. It sure seemed like you were trying to resemble me, hung up by rope on the rafters. It’s like an effigy. How am I supposed to feel safe here?
(You've got to be kidding me)
Matt: That wasn’t our intention. To be honest with you, we both thought it looked more like a stuffed turkey than anything else. (on second thought, maybe it was an effigy…hahaha…I’m a jerk).
Girlfriend: Do you feel bad at all about what you guys did? The look on your face makes it seem like you don’t even care!
Matt: First, you just woke me up, this is how I look in the morning. Secondly, no, I don’t feel bad. It was meant as a joke, not as a message. I’m sorry you are so hurt by all this, but that’s about it.
Roommate: Well, Matt. I’m going to get going. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to call the landlord and give him the month’s notice. I’m moving out.
Matt: OK (said with a sly grin)
So, one of my changes that I alluded to in other blogs will soon come to pass...my living situation...so thank you roommate numero douche for all your help!
While peacefully in my slumber, I was awoken by the sound of two hot tempered, not very happy individuals. One my roommate (the self proclaimed “mature” one), the other his girlfriend. (note: Roommate from here on out will refer to the "bad" roommate, not Darrell) I will try to recount the story to the best of my recollection, however, the flow of conversation may not be fully there as 1) I don’t remember everything (having just woken up) and 2) there was a lot of repeating going on. The first words I heard of their conversation, while lying a little less peacefully in my bed, was this conversation:
Roommate: They’re just idiots! I’m sick of living with idiots!
Girlfriend: Do I just have a bad sense of humor? (referring to the clothes on the rafters)
Roommate: No, they do. (Even though the answer to the question should have been a resounding YES)
Girlfriend: Even my girlfriends who know me really well wouldn’t have done this to me. (I wanted to scream out that’s because your girlfriends know you well enough to know you would overreact and carry on like a baby...I resisted [pat myself on the back])
Girlfriend: A part of me feels really bad. I do leave my stuff around. I’m sorry (an apology to the roommate for seemingly causing this huge ordeal).
Roommate: It's not a problem deat. It’s a pigsty here, it was when I moved in. It’s like pigs complaining about dirt.
They slam the door, they leave the house, and then speed off in his car, screeching tires and all (big man). Two minutes later, I get a not so friendly knock on my door asking me if I can talk. I put a shirt on (so that they aren’t too intimidated by my HUGE muscles) and open the door. I find, in front of me, a very mild looking man, but a face that looked like it was about to blow fire from its nose. It was my roommate! I fought the urge to say, “how are you this fine and lovely day?” with a quaint smile. Mostly, I had all my lightheartedness zapped out of me when I opened that door finding my roommate leaning on my door frame, looking down at me from the kitchen about 1-2 feet from my face. My initial internal reaction? “Boy, you best be stepping away from my door and my face before I move you myself.” Luckily it didn’t come to that. He was upset, especially as his girlfriend was crying (yes she was sobbing for a good 15 minutes), so I decided to give him some leniency for being upset. After all, any guy would feel the need to protect and stand up for his girlfriend, right? Right. A conversation ensued.
Roommate: What was that all about? (Pointing to the rope that once held the infamous bathing suit) (At this point both him and his girlfriend asked me about 10 questions and kept talking).
Matt: OK. You asked a question, but you’re still talking. Do you want me to explain something or listen to you blow off steam?
Girlfriend: You know, you don’t have to say it like that!
Matt: (I roll my eyes and laugh and then carry on the conversation)
Roommate: Matt...this place is a pig sty. It has been ever since I moved in. (I noticed how he cut out his earlier phrase when he wasn't talking directly to me...you know the one about me being like a pig complaining about dirt).
Matt: Do you live here too? Then you can clean some of it up yourself too! It will get messy having three people live in one house.
Roommate: C'mon! I have cleaned the bathroom (this happened once in the six months he's lived here), I have done the dishes (...yikes, dude, seriously don't start with this...i've cleaned up after you like your mom, so don't...), I'm the only one to take out the trash (holy crap, I'm going to lose it), I had to buy a shower curtain because our other one got too dirty (oh, poor baby...welcome to life, now get over it).
(At this time I go on to tell him all of the things I do arond the house, much like two 5 year olds arguing over who's daddy is stronger...by the way, mine is. At this point I am almost yelling, but then I realized something. Explaining this to him won't do any good. It's like trying to explain stuff to the people I work with. This guy is really so delusional he probably thinks he really is the only one to do anything around here.)
Girlfriend: If you had a problem, you should have said something to me. I know I’m over here a lot, but if you had a problem…why didn’t you say something?
Matt: OK. First, I told your boyfriend that your clothes were on the couch couple of times.
Roommate: You never asked for me to pick it up or do something about it.
Matt: I didn’t think I had to connect the dots for you! She’s not my girlfriend and not my guest, she’s yours. Secondly, why didn’t I say something? Because the fact that your clothes were out there on the couch honestly wasn’t really a big deal to me. It didn’t serve as a huge annoyance, something that NEEDED to be talked about. When we put your bathing suit up, it was meant as a joke. Not a message that we hate you or that we want you out of our house (as she had previously alluded to). It was just a joke.
Girlfriend: How else am I supposed to take it? My clothes are up there. It sure seemed like you were trying to resemble me, hung up by rope on the rafters. It’s like an effigy. How am I supposed to feel safe here?
(You've got to be kidding me)
Matt: That wasn’t our intention. To be honest with you, we both thought it looked more like a stuffed turkey than anything else. (on second thought, maybe it was an effigy…hahaha…I’m a jerk).
Girlfriend: Do you feel bad at all about what you guys did? The look on your face makes it seem like you don’t even care!
Matt: First, you just woke me up, this is how I look in the morning. Secondly, no, I don’t feel bad. It was meant as a joke, not as a message. I’m sorry you are so hurt by all this, but that’s about it.
Roommate: Well, Matt. I’m going to get going. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to call the landlord and give him the month’s notice. I’m moving out.
Matt: OK (said with a sly grin)
So, one of my changes that I alluded to in other blogs will soon come to pass...my living situation...so thank you roommate numero douche for all your help!
Friday, August 19, 2005
long time no write
I haven't been writing for a while and I just recently figured out why. The reason is twofold. One, I am in a learning mode, reading books, being introspective, that kind of thing. During such a time, I generally like to just process things myself. So, I've been doing that and also chatting to some people about it to sharpen my learning. Two, I don't have much new to write lately. Everything that I have written about recently is still a major issue. Same frustrations, same questions, same everything. I don't want to continue to say the same stuff over and over again using different words. Unfortunately, I am just kind of in a rut. I need something different to happen in my life or I need to make something happen. Just not really sure the action steps to take to make such a thing happen.
Also, I am generally wired lately. Work has me annoyed, my personal life (what there is of it) is irritating, and when I come home to my place of rest and relaxation I feel exasperated. I am relatively a calm and gentle person, but lately I feel like I could just tell someone off. It's not bad to speak up and express yourself, but i'm starting to think I may be getting like my dad was. For example, "You don't like it, suck off!" Anyway, I haven't gotten to that point, yet for some reason I feel like it could happen. I remember days, days not too distant, when I used to be filled with joy and laughter. I'd feel more free and excited about life. Not that I wasn't sad or lonely during these times, but I felt more alive, like my life had more of a purpose and my soul felt stirred. Maybe during these times I didn't live so much of my life in my head. Perhaps I allowed myself to experience more of life. Needless to say, currently, I don't feel like I am allowing myself to experience much at all. And I don't know what to change.
Piggybacking on my last paragraph...I am currently in a situation where I do not feel like I am in control. Most areas of my life where I may want a change (job, where I am living, who I am living with, church, etc.) I can change! I can harbor hope that things will get better. Why? Because if it doesn't, I can make some changes and alter those things so that I am as fulfilled and satisfied as possible (i know life isn't perfect, but you get the point). However, I do not have control over having a girlfriend. Yes, this is where you say, "arghh....not this again." And I say, "now you know why i haven't been writing lately!":) It does not seem to matter what I do, I cannot get a girlfriend. I am actually losing hope that I will ever get married! Maybe I lack certain social graces, maybe I don't run in the right circles, whatever the case, I am lost. I have gone at least four years without a girlfriend. That's a long time for a funny, down to earth, good looking chap like myself! I say four years AT LEAST because my last relationship was off and on and was hardly a real relationship. If I don't include that, I haven't had a girlfriend for 7 years! Yes, I am counting the years so that I can get all of your pity! mwahahaha...you see, pity has done wonders for me...that's a different story. For the record, my off and on relationship that I referred to was with a girl who is a great person with a good heart. We just didn't and don't mesh "that way." I'm actually wrong for letting things go the way they did...just for the record.
I have gone from just living my life and trusting that "in the right time the right girl will come along" to searching for her, even by such means as online dating sites as eharmony.com. I am sure some ignorant person will say, "Matt, you can't control whether you have a girlfriend and you therefore can't control whether or not you have someone to share your life with at the current time...so just be happy with where you are at and spend time doing what you want to do, then you won't be lonely!" "Someone can say, when you stop looking for and stop worrying about a girlfriend, then that is the time that someone will come into your life." That may be true, but my one question is this: do i just ignore this gaping whole I feel in my heart? I can't fill it with something else (put your time and energy into sports or work or school) because that doesn't get to the root of the problem. It's like putting a bandaid over the cut...no worse yet, it's like putting dirt in the cut to fill the cut. It actually infects you that way. Having hobbies and things you enjoy are very important to have. That's what I wish I could do more of actually, perhaps that would make me feel more alive (see above paragraph). But those things should be a part of my life to fill other needs I have, so I can't prostitute those great things over to the whole in my heart. The whole in my heart isn't something that God should be filling either (we all have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts), so don't start giving me some bad theological christian cliche (I don't respond well to those). God isn't in just one part of my life, but He transcends into each area of my life. Through time, I am learning how to let His will happen in every aspect of my life, great and small. However, even while serving God and being close to Him, I still have a gaping whole in my heart. What am I left to do? Ignore it? (Yes, that's a rhetorical question). OK. this time i mean it, next blog will be positive!
Also, I am generally wired lately. Work has me annoyed, my personal life (what there is of it) is irritating, and when I come home to my place of rest and relaxation I feel exasperated. I am relatively a calm and gentle person, but lately I feel like I could just tell someone off. It's not bad to speak up and express yourself, but i'm starting to think I may be getting like my dad was. For example, "You don't like it, suck off!" Anyway, I haven't gotten to that point, yet for some reason I feel like it could happen. I remember days, days not too distant, when I used to be filled with joy and laughter. I'd feel more free and excited about life. Not that I wasn't sad or lonely during these times, but I felt more alive, like my life had more of a purpose and my soul felt stirred. Maybe during these times I didn't live so much of my life in my head. Perhaps I allowed myself to experience more of life. Needless to say, currently, I don't feel like I am allowing myself to experience much at all. And I don't know what to change.
Piggybacking on my last paragraph...I am currently in a situation where I do not feel like I am in control. Most areas of my life where I may want a change (job, where I am living, who I am living with, church, etc.) I can change! I can harbor hope that things will get better. Why? Because if it doesn't, I can make some changes and alter those things so that I am as fulfilled and satisfied as possible (i know life isn't perfect, but you get the point). However, I do not have control over having a girlfriend. Yes, this is where you say, "arghh....not this again." And I say, "now you know why i haven't been writing lately!":) It does not seem to matter what I do, I cannot get a girlfriend. I am actually losing hope that I will ever get married! Maybe I lack certain social graces, maybe I don't run in the right circles, whatever the case, I am lost. I have gone at least four years without a girlfriend. That's a long time for a funny, down to earth, good looking chap like myself! I say four years AT LEAST because my last relationship was off and on and was hardly a real relationship. If I don't include that, I haven't had a girlfriend for 7 years! Yes, I am counting the years so that I can get all of your pity! mwahahaha...you see, pity has done wonders for me...that's a different story. For the record, my off and on relationship that I referred to was with a girl who is a great person with a good heart. We just didn't and don't mesh "that way." I'm actually wrong for letting things go the way they did...just for the record.
I have gone from just living my life and trusting that "in the right time the right girl will come along" to searching for her, even by such means as online dating sites as eharmony.com. I am sure some ignorant person will say, "Matt, you can't control whether you have a girlfriend and you therefore can't control whether or not you have someone to share your life with at the current time...so just be happy with where you are at and spend time doing what you want to do, then you won't be lonely!" "Someone can say, when you stop looking for and stop worrying about a girlfriend, then that is the time that someone will come into your life." That may be true, but my one question is this: do i just ignore this gaping whole I feel in my heart? I can't fill it with something else (put your time and energy into sports or work or school) because that doesn't get to the root of the problem. It's like putting a bandaid over the cut...no worse yet, it's like putting dirt in the cut to fill the cut. It actually infects you that way. Having hobbies and things you enjoy are very important to have. That's what I wish I could do more of actually, perhaps that would make me feel more alive (see above paragraph). But those things should be a part of my life to fill other needs I have, so I can't prostitute those great things over to the whole in my heart. The whole in my heart isn't something that God should be filling either (we all have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts), so don't start giving me some bad theological christian cliche (I don't respond well to those). God isn't in just one part of my life, but He transcends into each area of my life. Through time, I am learning how to let His will happen in every aspect of my life, great and small. However, even while serving God and being close to Him, I still have a gaping whole in my heart. What am I left to do? Ignore it? (Yes, that's a rhetorical question). OK. this time i mean it, next blog will be positive!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
the last frustration from Matt...for now
I am TERRIBLE at pictionary. Like there is bad, but i'm a completely new level. I was playing with some friends and I couldn't even guess truck. I mean it looked just like a truck, but all i could come up with is car...four wheel drive...limo. I did draw some real good stuff though. Like this gem (darkened for your viewing pleasure):
In case you can't tell...the answer is waterski! of course:)
Question. If there are clients who cannot buckle their own seatbelts, cannot turn off the phone, and cannot unclog their own toilets, do you think it's possible that they may need more help than I am able to give them? Perhaps we should have trainings for things like this? YIKES. I actually held a training on how to turn the power button off on a coffee pot. No joke. It's amusing...up to a point.
Church frustration I have begun reading a book entitled "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian D. McLarsen. It's a fiction book in that it's a novel, but it's kind of non-fiction for the content. It is a highly criticized book which tells me it's either heretical or dead-on balls accurate (sometimes people just cannot handle convicting truth). I don't agree with everything he says per se, but I do like his premise for writing. I like this quote: "What if our personal experiences of frustration are surface manifestations of a deeper movement of God's Spirit?" It makes me wonder if perhaps the Holy Spirit is frustrated Himself, and desires to impart change through us. That could be exciting...though it will possibly mean a willingness for us to break free from what the prophet Jeremiah calls, "our old wineskins." (Things that the church has placed undue and unneeded emphasis on in our church tradition)
One paragraph in the introduction reads as such: "You can't talk about this sort of thing with just anybody. People worry about you. They may think you're changing sides, turning traitor. They may talk about you as if you came down with some communicable disease. So you keep this sort of thing like a dirty secret, this doubt that is not really a doubt about God or Jesus or faith but about our take on God, our version of Jesus, our way of faith. You let it out only when you found someone you can trust." In our postmodern worldview, we have a different way of looking at life, politics, religion, and the world in general than people of medieval times for instance. Not saying Christianity is untrue, but I am saying that we should have the freedom to think. The freedom to be intellectually (and spiritually) honest with ourselves and wrestle with questions that don't fit into the theological, pigeon-holed framework that we have developed. Since when does being a Christian give license to stop thinking critically? The point is not to revolt against evangelicalism or mainstream christianity. The point is to get out of the mold of just thinking like everyone else and accepting pat answers, cliches and platitudes that sound nice, but when you get into the real world, don't amount for crap! God is too big, too majestic! And for us to see more of God and His beauty, we should all explore the Scriptures, search our own hearts and contribute something (something perhaps new and invigorating) to the church. Wow, i'm complaining a lot about church stuff it seems...in actuality, i love the church. Well, hopefully i got that off my chest. I have more good stuff to say than negative believe it or not. You'll have to keep reading to find out:)
In case you can't tell...the answer is waterski! of course:)
Question. If there are clients who cannot buckle their own seatbelts, cannot turn off the phone, and cannot unclog their own toilets, do you think it's possible that they may need more help than I am able to give them? Perhaps we should have trainings for things like this? YIKES. I actually held a training on how to turn the power button off on a coffee pot. No joke. It's amusing...up to a point.
Church frustration I have begun reading a book entitled "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian D. McLarsen. It's a fiction book in that it's a novel, but it's kind of non-fiction for the content. It is a highly criticized book which tells me it's either heretical or dead-on balls accurate (sometimes people just cannot handle convicting truth). I don't agree with everything he says per se, but I do like his premise for writing. I like this quote: "What if our personal experiences of frustration are surface manifestations of a deeper movement of God's Spirit?" It makes me wonder if perhaps the Holy Spirit is frustrated Himself, and desires to impart change through us. That could be exciting...though it will possibly mean a willingness for us to break free from what the prophet Jeremiah calls, "our old wineskins." (Things that the church has placed undue and unneeded emphasis on in our church tradition)
One paragraph in the introduction reads as such: "You can't talk about this sort of thing with just anybody. People worry about you. They may think you're changing sides, turning traitor. They may talk about you as if you came down with some communicable disease. So you keep this sort of thing like a dirty secret, this doubt that is not really a doubt about God or Jesus or faith but about our take on God, our version of Jesus, our way of faith. You let it out only when you found someone you can trust." In our postmodern worldview, we have a different way of looking at life, politics, religion, and the world in general than people of medieval times for instance. Not saying Christianity is untrue, but I am saying that we should have the freedom to think. The freedom to be intellectually (and spiritually) honest with ourselves and wrestle with questions that don't fit into the theological, pigeon-holed framework that we have developed. Since when does being a Christian give license to stop thinking critically? The point is not to revolt against evangelicalism or mainstream christianity. The point is to get out of the mold of just thinking like everyone else and accepting pat answers, cliches and platitudes that sound nice, but when you get into the real world, don't amount for crap! God is too big, too majestic! And for us to see more of God and His beauty, we should all explore the Scriptures, search our own hearts and contribute something (something perhaps new and invigorating) to the church. Wow, i'm complaining a lot about church stuff it seems...in actuality, i love the church. Well, hopefully i got that off my chest. I have more good stuff to say than negative believe it or not. You'll have to keep reading to find out:)
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
the ugly duckling
Personal frustration It's been a while since my last entry. Too much is going on externally and internally to even know what to write about. Many changes are taking place in the near future. I will be changing my living situation and location. But I am not sure when or any of the details behind it as of yet. I may be changing my church. I'm not sure yet, but i guess we'll see shortly. I may be changing my job as well. If so, am I getting another job? Going to seminary? I don't know. Either way, I need some money so that if I don't get married some day I will at least have enough money to adopt and raise a kid myself. I will have my own family even if I have to construct it myself dammit! (yes I just swore, get over it). Having faith that God will help me out in this area is tough for me right now I admit. He's always been faithful, yet my pain pushes me closer to doubt. I feel like for me to have an opportunity to experience mutual love with a girl, it will have to come from me doing everything just right and making it happen myself. That's a bad way to feel and too much pressure. I won't go into my sob story about how I feel like girls just don't see what I great guy I am. But...THEY DON'T! Yes, many of you who know me can attest I have many many annoying attributes that are a part of who I am. Whether it's my body that you find replusing or my sense of humor that irks you so, i don't care. My body is finely chiseled machine and I make myself laugh. Nevertheless (or is it nonetheless, i can never remember) I don't feel valued, understood or appreciated for who I truly am and what I have to offer. When you feel like nobody gets you, it sucks. I wasn't made to be alone, and though I am trying to learn and grow in the season I am in, I have grown quite annoyed by the season and want it changed (much like my roommate who is hating summer and is eagerly anticipating and longing for fall). I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship...hell, i feel like i have a lot to offer to the world. But still, for some reason, I just keep flowing along with me life, letting time pass me by. At times, hiding from life because it doesn't hurt as much when I hide. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I am just lonely without anyone to share myself with. There is someone who genuinely seems to understand many frustrations, but she is married and I have to be careful getting to close to her. I am sure there are others too, but right now I just feel lost with the whole thing. I just don't feel like i fit in anywhere. It's not that I feel like the world is passing me by and everyone is going on ahead without me. Instead I feel like I am charting waters that have not often been crossed and nobody will go with me. I feel like the odd (ugly) duckling who just doesn't have a place to swim (nor anyone to swim with).
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
lowered expectations
Ahh...this is too funny. This guy would so get a job in my field:) OK, so I need a new job where I will make more money. I am not vain nor am i all into money. However, I don't see how I will ever be able to save money (and eventually help supply for my family) when I get paid in peanuts. So does anyone know of any jobs out there?
How difficult it is to love others while being wronged by them! How difficult it is to be humble, to not fight for "what is rightfully yours" (after all, you don't deserve to be treated like this!), how difficult it is to not defend yourself, or talk behind someone's back. I have spent time alone with God asking if there is something that I need to repent of. Asking Him if I am in the wrong...and to the best of my knowledge, I don't think so. But that doesn't matter. The heart of Jesus intrigues me. I don't understand how He could live in this world and respond to people the way He did. Hm...
Lastly, I spoke before about the fact that we all have certain needs. I will go one step further and say that we all have many God-given needs. The need for peace, the need for physical and emotional and spiritual intimacy with someone of the opposite sex, and many other needs. OK. Needs that we have are not bad, after all, they are God-given. The needs are good, the problem is the manner in which we attend to getting those needs met. For example, the person who drowns their nights away in alcohol to "forget about this world" and to seek a form of peace (even if it is a state of ignorant bliss) have needs that they are trying to meet in a manner that will not ultimately satisfy their needs, but mask their craving for it. The need to be loved and feel loved is the reason many people have sex before marriage. A healthy need being met in an unhealthy way. I don't blame people for doing these things. I am not a sheltered individual. I am not delusional either (i don't think). Life is rough, and sometimes we take what we can get. Though there is a better way that will lead to wholeness, it's not always that easy to see. That's it for now. GOODNIGHT!
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
minor frustration...
Monday night--It strikes me funny how I get as many comments on my 4 sentence power outage blog, as when I wrote a huge story about being "undone." odd. Anyway, i have many feelings/emotions right now, none of which i will share. I, the writer of this entry, deem it best to not say anything at all, especially since I don't have anything good to say. I have a day off tomorrow and have tons of work i have to get done. I wish a day off could be a day off. I go to my job and I work. I come home on a day off, and I work. I may need some fun and excitement in my life.
Tuesday night--I am so tired of hearing that atrocities, bad things that happen to good people, and other terrible "unfair" things that happen in this world are the reasons some people have (religion) faith in a God and why other's do not. First off, I'll clear up a misconception about Christians. The reason that Christians believe in God, specifically Jesus, is not because we need a crutch for comfort during difficult times. We believe in Him because He is true and He is real. Christianity makes a truth claim and that is it. Love it or leave it. Second, I cannot express in words how much it irks me that people do not believe in God because of atrocities (ie. tsunami). I am not mad at people who cannot believe in God because of this. Hey, if I thought, like many calvinists, that God was behind every act, working it all out for an ultimate good, then I wouldn't want any part of God either. That is the normal Christian view nowadays, but I think it is a gross misrepresentation of God's character. God can redeem evil, but He is not the author or the cause of it. C.S. Lewis stated, "every square inch of the cosmos is claimed by Satan and counterclaimed by God." In case you can't tell, we are living in a battlefield, not just a nice little world preparing us for heaven. I won't go into my treatise on this right now, but suffice it to say that any non-christian who is having a hard time believing in a God who would take their dad away when they were five, or kill thousands of people in a tsunami, or give someone a terminal illness, then I have to say, I don't believe in that God either! I believe in the God that the Bible depicts through the person of Jesus. I will carry this thought deeper at another time. I just wanted to get out my frustration over a popular, yet incorrect view (in my opinion) of God.
Tuesday night--I am so tired of hearing that atrocities, bad things that happen to good people, and other terrible "unfair" things that happen in this world are the reasons some people have (religion) faith in a God and why other's do not. First off, I'll clear up a misconception about Christians. The reason that Christians believe in God, specifically Jesus, is not because we need a crutch for comfort during difficult times. We believe in Him because He is true and He is real. Christianity makes a truth claim and that is it. Love it or leave it. Second, I cannot express in words how much it irks me that people do not believe in God because of atrocities (ie. tsunami). I am not mad at people who cannot believe in God because of this. Hey, if I thought, like many calvinists, that God was behind every act, working it all out for an ultimate good, then I wouldn't want any part of God either. That is the normal Christian view nowadays, but I think it is a gross misrepresentation of God's character. God can redeem evil, but He is not the author or the cause of it. C.S. Lewis stated, "every square inch of the cosmos is claimed by Satan and counterclaimed by God." In case you can't tell, we are living in a battlefield, not just a nice little world preparing us for heaven. I won't go into my treatise on this right now, but suffice it to say that any non-christian who is having a hard time believing in a God who would take their dad away when they were five, or kill thousands of people in a tsunami, or give someone a terminal illness, then I have to say, I don't believe in that God either! I believe in the God that the Bible depicts through the person of Jesus. I will carry this thought deeper at another time. I just wanted to get out my frustration over a popular, yet incorrect view (in my opinion) of God.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
I FEEL GOOD danananananana
SWEET! Cable internet is back up and running...sort of. I just have to buy a new router, but i finally know the problem (I am so ashamed of myself for not figuring it out earlier). Anyway, not much happened while away. I went for a walk in lynn woods with a friend, went to a barbeque, met new people, and I missed church this morning because I slept in (i actually got 13 hours of sleep!). I need help, i really do! I don't have too much to say, as I am in a state of euphoria over the internet situation. Hm...I did realize something. I am often attracted to the type of girls that don't like me (and yes, there are girls that DO like me, so there!). So, people will say, "Matt, you're just attracted to the wrong type of girl." OK. What does that mean? The girls I am attracted to are not necessarily out of my league hot. They are not jerks either. They are nice, seemingly caring people. How does one change what he or she is attracted to? I am sure in the near future i will write a whole long blog about all that, but for now, I'd prefer not to:) Since this was a completey useless blog, I will have to end with a thoughtful quote. Ahem...
"Be the change you want to see in the world." --Ghandi
More on that tomorrow.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." --Ghandi
More on that tomorrow.
Friday, July 29, 2005
stupid power outage
I'll make this quick as I am at work. I have been having some issues with the internet at my apartment due to the power outage...really crazy stuff actually...anyway, I'll be on a brief hiatus until the issue is resolved. Hopefully that will be tonight, but I am not that hopeful.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Joy comes in the morning? I hope!
I'm having one of those days where I am really really down and I am not quite sure why. One reason could be the desire to find a different job, but there are a lot of emotions present in that decision that makes it difficult to pinpoint what's happening. Also, and probably more pertinent to my feeling down, I found something I really like in someone, and that is making me feel a lot more lonely. I became attracted to someone's intellect, spirituality, and genuine adventurous spirit seeking after truth. It's not like I am in love with the person, but she has something that is attractive to me. As such, it makes me long for those qualities in my future wife...and it gives me a longing to be with my future wife:)
Has anyone ever fallen in love with a certain part of a person (and I use the phrase "fall in love" loosely)? Like, you can admire and respect and become attracted to certain parts of who they are. Especially when you piece a few great qualities together, there is a natural attraction to that person. That attraction is not wrong, even if the attraction is to someone who is dating someone else or married. Come to think of it, it's natural to find God's creation beautiful. Another theory that I heard is that when someone is married, they are more appealing. The reason for this is that when people feel unconditionally loved by someone (spouse), they feel secure and more confident. That is an attractive quality. It's also easy to have your heart in a place of emotional intimacy with a person who is "taken" because both parties are free to be completely themselves. There is no time to try to impress the other person and there is a ready-made boundary (someone is in a relationship). So, in two friends being brutally real and honest, there is an uncanny sense of connecting. Jesus was tempted in all ways, yet was without sin. That's the key. Being friends is ok. Admiring and being attracted to certain qualities is ok. Being tempted is ok, for that is not the sin, but the lusting after a relationship that is inappropriate, the longing for more intimacy, a kind that should only be shared between the person and their spouse is quite wrong. It's difficult, because there are many marriages that go wrong and one mate leaves their spouse for someone else. When this happens, it is quite often that the one who is not married didn't know where to draw the line between healthy friendships and coveting your neighbors spouse. Falling for someone, having your heart go in an area that it shouldn't, being too close to the person in a way that may come between them and their spouse...these are warning signs to watch out for. Wow...I was going in one direction talking about me and then I just headed in completey different direction with this whole marriage thing. I'm not sure why I am writing about all this. Anyway, please just know that it comes from many different things I have experienced in the past and am observing in the present. I guess that's it. Night all!
Has anyone ever fallen in love with a certain part of a person (and I use the phrase "fall in love" loosely)? Like, you can admire and respect and become attracted to certain parts of who they are. Especially when you piece a few great qualities together, there is a natural attraction to that person. That attraction is not wrong, even if the attraction is to someone who is dating someone else or married. Come to think of it, it's natural to find God's creation beautiful. Another theory that I heard is that when someone is married, they are more appealing. The reason for this is that when people feel unconditionally loved by someone (spouse), they feel secure and more confident. That is an attractive quality. It's also easy to have your heart in a place of emotional intimacy with a person who is "taken" because both parties are free to be completely themselves. There is no time to try to impress the other person and there is a ready-made boundary (someone is in a relationship). So, in two friends being brutally real and honest, there is an uncanny sense of connecting. Jesus was tempted in all ways, yet was without sin. That's the key. Being friends is ok. Admiring and being attracted to certain qualities is ok. Being tempted is ok, for that is not the sin, but the lusting after a relationship that is inappropriate, the longing for more intimacy, a kind that should only be shared between the person and their spouse is quite wrong. It's difficult, because there are many marriages that go wrong and one mate leaves their spouse for someone else. When this happens, it is quite often that the one who is not married didn't know where to draw the line between healthy friendships and coveting your neighbors spouse. Falling for someone, having your heart go in an area that it shouldn't, being too close to the person in a way that may come between them and their spouse...these are warning signs to watch out for. Wow...I was going in one direction talking about me and then I just headed in completey different direction with this whole marriage thing. I'm not sure why I am writing about all this. Anyway, please just know that it comes from many different things I have experienced in the past and am observing in the present. I guess that's it. Night all!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
2nd try...
I wrote a looong blog, but can't put it on the internet yet. So, you get this hand-me-down for today:)
I need a job where I make more money. I say it all the time, one of these days I will find something. I just don't know where to start looking or what's out there...but i gotta start...
I was at the gym last night and noticed an attractive girl walk towards this guy that she was apparently dating. She seemed sweet and asked him some questions about how she is supossed to do a certain kind of workout. He gave her an attitude, and acted as if she was bothering him. It reminded me how ladies are attracted to jerky guys. Debate it if you must, but it is generally true. It's a mystery of life.
There is a new church coming to Danvers that I will be checking out. One reason that John Paul Jackson felt called to have a Streams Ministries Bridge Church in the area is because he said God called him to do something that isn't being done in this area. One big focus of the church is to identify and use our God-given gifts. Many Christians don't have a clue what their gifts are and how to use them to serve one another, but one of their goals is to help people identify and develop those giftings. "Everyone will be involved" he said. "Some of you may not like that." I think they are looking to be heavily involved in prayer and prophetically hearing from God, but will spend just as much time just getting to know one another in fellowship and in finding ways to serve. I think the youth group in Framingham goes to the mall every friday to pray with people that they meet there and have had some great responses to that. The church wants to have a way to help single mothers by providing "handy men" of the church to help them out with fix-it issues. The point is that the church wants to find ways for everyone to be taken care of and for everyone to be able to use their talents. It is both very spiritual and very practical. That's the heart of it anyway. I just hope it is real. i've been to too many church where the church is either dead or they are putting on a performance. I pray this will be different. The Framingham church is having a Saturday night passion worship service this Saturday. All are welcome!:)
paperwork, calories and...I AM UNDONE!
I know my old co-worker is no longer working, so you'd think I would have nothing left to complain about...HAHA! Think again. I have to put all my work on hold, and give the assistant manager my assistance by editing and finding the mistakes in her paperwork. It takes almost my entire shift to finish one client's file...aye. Anyway, there's bigger things in life, so what does it really matter?
I never realized how easy it is to eat a lot of calories when you go to fast food places. I knew the food there wasn't good for you, but...I'm speechless! At Wendy's I got a plain spicy chicken fillet, caesar side salad and a medium french fry and it was 1220 calories! That's some people's entire caloric intake for their whole day!
There is something a little more personal that I want to share, but I must preface it with this: I like me. I'm a good guy and proud of who I am. Those comments do not in any way conflict with the following:) There have been about four times in the past 2 weeks where my soul has just screamed out, "I am undone!" See, there are times in our lives where this happens...times where we experience the reality of our sins, the wrongs we committed and a renewed understanding of what wicked things lie in our hearts. Usually we realize this wickedness when it comes out in something we say, do or even think. However, it is not always apparent to others...and that is dangerous because then we lack the accountability or maybe even the drive to change it. This is why it is so important for us to be changed by the Holy Spirit and not just by trying to change into who we want to be by our own will power. Hear me out, both are important. As much good as we can do by changing into the person we want to be, we cannot get into the depths of our hearts and transform our soul. It's not even our job. That comes by fellowship with the Holy Spirit and constantly beholding the face of God. A lot of times we have to fight through a lot of crap in our lives to get to the point where we can do that, but it's worth it. So as I cling on to and strengthen my relationship with God. I put my hands to the till in order to repent well and to do what I can to pursue holiness. One final thought: It strikes me funny (in the not funny kind of way) how Christians can see this whole process that I have described as something to be ashamed of and embarassed by. There is a feeling of "there's something wrong with Matt." In my limited experience on this earth, I have found that one of the most godly acts a man or woman of faith can do is to repent. the irony is that to be godly (repent) you must first be ungodly (reason to repent). "Luckily" we're all in the same boat on that one, and it's up to us to decide if we will grow through the process or avoid the process. It's humbling, painful, yet rejuvenating. I'm not sure if I will be able to do it or not. I hope I do.
I never realized how easy it is to eat a lot of calories when you go to fast food places. I knew the food there wasn't good for you, but...I'm speechless! At Wendy's I got a plain spicy chicken fillet, caesar side salad and a medium french fry and it was 1220 calories! That's some people's entire caloric intake for their whole day!
There is something a little more personal that I want to share, but I must preface it with this: I like me. I'm a good guy and proud of who I am. Those comments do not in any way conflict with the following:) There have been about four times in the past 2 weeks where my soul has just screamed out, "I am undone!" See, there are times in our lives where this happens...times where we experience the reality of our sins, the wrongs we committed and a renewed understanding of what wicked things lie in our hearts. Usually we realize this wickedness when it comes out in something we say, do or even think. However, it is not always apparent to others...and that is dangerous because then we lack the accountability or maybe even the drive to change it. This is why it is so important for us to be changed by the Holy Spirit and not just by trying to change into who we want to be by our own will power. Hear me out, both are important. As much good as we can do by changing into the person we want to be, we cannot get into the depths of our hearts and transform our soul. It's not even our job. That comes by fellowship with the Holy Spirit and constantly beholding the face of God. A lot of times we have to fight through a lot of crap in our lives to get to the point where we can do that, but it's worth it. So as I cling on to and strengthen my relationship with God. I put my hands to the till in order to repent well and to do what I can to pursue holiness. One final thought: It strikes me funny (in the not funny kind of way) how Christians can see this whole process that I have described as something to be ashamed of and embarassed by. There is a feeling of "there's something wrong with Matt." In my limited experience on this earth, I have found that one of the most godly acts a man or woman of faith can do is to repent. the irony is that to be godly (repent) you must first be ungodly (reason to repent). "Luckily" we're all in the same boat on that one, and it's up to us to decide if we will grow through the process or avoid the process. It's humbling, painful, yet rejuvenating. I'm not sure if I will be able to do it or not. I hope I do.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
part 2, All I need
So, is God all that that I need? There's approximately 1,000,702,044 songs with the words, "You're all I need" (or some variation of those words) in it. Let me make you aware that He's not all I need. I understand some of you may begin screaming, "heresy, heresy" (ie. Viking girl--sorry, inside joke) right now. Some may begin frothing at the mouth with this apparent abomination. I realize some of you may think I am being too picky here, but I'm not, so get over it:) Hear me out. I actually used to feel guilty by other Christians for not feeling satisfied by just knowing God. I thought, "what is wrong with me? I know God, yet I am not fulfilled. I know God, but I feel like all my needs aren't presently being met. " Luckily, through God's grace, I have gotten past that line of thinking and feel at peace when I say that God is not all that I need. God created us all with hard-wired needs, some unique and some general. We all need water and food. And since neither water nor food is God, then I need something other than God. God created us to have a vertical relationship (with Him), but also to have horizontal relationships (with one another). We aren't meant to go through life in isolation. That is a God-given need we all have. A need that I have is to have a wife. It's true that a wife is what I want, but I call it a need because I believe that is something that God hard-wired in me. So now, I can be content in my season of singleness, but I will not except singleness as the final say in the matter. If I believe God created me to be married, then why would I settle for anything less? I wouldn't be fulfilled with anything less. The beauty of it all is that God can and will meet our needs, whether they be great or small, as we continue to pray and seek His face. The difficulty that I find is having faith when I can't see how it's possible (yeah, i know, that's what faith is). Things don't always happen the way that we or God want them to (that's another blog don't worry). But if we continue to pray, in faith, that His will be done in our lives, then God will come through. Lord, help my unbelief.
the real deal, part 1
Sometimes i feel like i spend more time editing past blogs than writing new ones. Anyway...I realized something while at church today. It probably came in to my mind by something my roommate wrote on his blog not too long ago. I realized that the closer I grow with God, the more alive life feels. Everything is so much more real...life is in 3-D and it is full. Now I know that sounds positive, but the problem is that just as much as the joys are greater because of life feeling more "alive", so also the painful times feel more real and alive. When I just try to coast by in my life, and enter "escape mode" (by drowning all my attention and focus in movies, tv, etc.) I don't feel as much. When I don't feel as much, the pain isn't as severe. I know I am not being eloquent with my words and as such, I apologize. But I hope this is at least getting to the point. What am I trying to say? I guess as joys and pain increase along side of each other in my life, I continue to grow as well. I imagine that if I didn't feel so alone all this would be manageable and even viewed as a good thing. Pain and hurt and sorrow do not scare me. As a Christian, I expect it, and have learned how to redeem bad circumstances and situations. What scares me is having nobody to share my life with...having nobody to share my pain with. I am someone free of pretense, free of performance...someone who is just real. The reality of the situation is that I hurt. And growing with God now frightens me. Probably because making time for God also means time to myself. The closer i get to the Light of Jesus, the more apparent the realities of life become. It's not that which I see that presently frightens me, but the vast nothingness in my life, the fact that I don't see anything, that causes such trepidation in allowing myself to "live the abundant life." I have confidence and place my trust in the fact that God is an everpresent help and a comforter to His people. He does not leave us, nor forsake us. He is actively pursuing to carry out His great plan in every one of our lives. He is good, just, fair...He is simply beautiful in His holiness. I believe that and am thankful for that!
the troll, worthy, Christianity
*DELETED!!! I apparently made some hurtful remarks here, so I felt compelled to edit this blog. Since the comment was originally left on the blog, I will respond to it via my blog. The old entry that used to be here was meant as light-hearted and sarcastic as possible. I tried to blow things out of proportion in an attempt to get that across. However, it appears to have not been taken as lightly as I had hoped. I try to poke jabs at people in "good fun" without offending them, however, I do not always succeed in that. So when someone gets offended...more specifically...To the person who i offended: my bad. I apologize and will try to be more careful in the future. I ask for your forgiveness.
For some reason while i was away, I kept expecting to get more comments on my blog, though i hadn't written anything. A few points worthy of note while I was away: 1) Went to see Brian Regan in Hyannis. He's a terrific comedian, you should all check him out! He's great! 2) ...other minor things that you don't really care about reading, so I will spare you (yes this comment was "worthy of note."
http://www.whchurch.org/content/page_1.htm This is the website of Greg Boyd's church. Great stuff in here. I'd encourage you to go there and listen to his stuff, especially his sermon on 1/2/2005. Regardless, I will be sharing some of my thoughts surrounding certain issues in Christianity in my blogs to come. It may be provocative, thought provoking and maybe even invigorating. One thing it won't be is full of Christian clichés and platitudes. Hold on to your seats boys and girls, this will be funJ
For some reason while i was away, I kept expecting to get more comments on my blog, though i hadn't written anything. A few points worthy of note while I was away: 1) Went to see Brian Regan in Hyannis. He's a terrific comedian, you should all check him out! He's great! 2) ...other minor things that you don't really care about reading, so I will spare you (yes this comment was "worthy of note."
http://www.whchurch.org/content/page_1.htm This is the website of Greg Boyd's church. Great stuff in here. I'd encourage you to go there and listen to his stuff, especially his sermon on 1/2/2005. Regardless, I will be sharing some of my thoughts surrounding certain issues in Christianity in my blogs to come. It may be provocative, thought provoking and maybe even invigorating. One thing it won't be is full of Christian clichés and platitudes. Hold on to your seats boys and girls, this will be funJ
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
not much for today
Soooo, one of my co-workers resigned today. Something tells me that she would have gotten fired if she didn't resign. That gives me a little more faith in my field. Even if it's just temporary, it does give me some hope. I'm happy with this news...very happy actually. It was funny. One of my friends who works there said it like this: "Talking to this person is like trying to nail an eel to a wall." The point being, you can't talk to someone like this, so it's best for them to just head on to other endeavors. Only other thing that happened today is that I went to an African children's choir in Gloucester with Melinda. No A/C in there and it was HOT!!! However, the show was entertaining and the kids were adoreable! And no, my future wife wasn't there...or if she was, then I wasn't introduced to her yet:)
I actually have a lot to write, but i will save it for later, as I need to catch up on some sleep. Through some research, I found out that I currently have 6 readers of my blog, and I most likely have more than that. Peace.
I actually have a lot to write, but i will save it for later, as I need to catch up on some sleep. Through some research, I found out that I currently have 6 readers of my blog, and I most likely have more than that. Peace.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Comments
This is my second blog today, so read my previous one. Let's do a little test. I ask that anyone, yes anyone, who reads my blogs please leave a comment, any comment, to let me know if I should hire an agent to advertise for me:) Thanks!
P.S. What do we think of John Roberts? (I shouldn't have to explain this, but for those who don't know, he is the man that Bush nominated for Supreme Court)
P.S. What do we think of John Roberts? (I shouldn't have to explain this, but for those who don't know, he is the man that Bush nominated for Supreme Court)
Totally random stuff
So much to say, so little interest in saying it...
So get this: a guy is driving to work and he sees a police car parked at a local restaurant. Naturally, he decides to steal the police car and continue driving to work (it gets better). On the way to work, he sees a pedestrian on the side of the road flagging down the police car. Being the good (and stupid) citizen that he is, he stops to help the fellow out. At the point the individual who was flagging down the cop car noticed that the thief wasn't really a cop, the real police were instantly called. Bail is set for $350,000. Yikes!
Please tell me that you know of or have at least heard of two out of three of the following:
Kelo v. New London
Karl Rove
Guantanamo Bay
Jerry Thomas, the man who invented the Swanson tv dinner has died at age 83. 8.4 billion swanson tv dinners have been sold. hmm...interesting.
On a personal note...I have another wedding to go to in September and it's in North Carolina. Oh boy. I don't like going to these things by myself, especially so far away, but it will be worth it. It was my best friend in high school and he is a good guy. I'm happy for him. Maybe one of these days, it will be me...
Check back tomorrow.
So get this: a guy is driving to work and he sees a police car parked at a local restaurant. Naturally, he decides to steal the police car and continue driving to work (it gets better). On the way to work, he sees a pedestrian on the side of the road flagging down the police car. Being the good (and stupid) citizen that he is, he stops to help the fellow out. At the point the individual who was flagging down the cop car noticed that the thief wasn't really a cop, the real police were instantly called. Bail is set for $350,000. Yikes!
Please tell me that you know of or have at least heard of two out of three of the following:
Kelo v. New London
Karl Rove
Guantanamo Bay
Jerry Thomas, the man who invented the Swanson tv dinner has died at age 83. 8.4 billion swanson tv dinners have been sold. hmm...interesting.
On a personal note...I have another wedding to go to in September and it's in North Carolina. Oh boy. I don't like going to these things by myself, especially so far away, but it will be worth it. It was my best friend in high school and he is a good guy. I'm happy for him. Maybe one of these days, it will be me...
Check back tomorrow.
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