5 is a lovely number

Carrying on my discussion about worth. I talked about my friends, which i will mention again later on in this blog, but right now I will talk about my job. There are some things that make me feel rejected and there are other things that make me feel wanted and needed. I got my evaluation back from my boss. Unfortunately, the field I work in is run by a bunch of pansies so you can't get merit based raises. Anyway, my evaluation is based on fifty question with answers ranging from 1-5, 5 being the best. I got so many 4's and 5's that the agency supervisor questioned my boss about it saying that it must be too high. However, my boss assured the supervisor (who doesn't know me very well) that the scores are accurate. Then my boss went on to offer me a position as an assistant manager for another one of the houses. Though he couldn't make any promises, the fact that I would be considered for that position is almost heresy with my agency. They have a hard and fast rule that you need to be in the field for 4 years to take that position, no exceptions. I have had two years. The way our agency is run, i understand why the 4 year rule is in effect. There's tons of stuff to know! My point in all of this is that the managers and my co-workers all know I will have to leave soon, due to living so far away (over an hour). They have all, in their different ways, expressed that they will be at a great loss when I leave. That part has been nice.

So, this is a follow up thought on my previous comments on my friends. Anyway…I also saw a couple of old friends from Youthstorm. Youthstorm is a youth group ministry that I was involved with a few years back. I ran up to one of the kids Josiah and gave him a kiss and just hugged him for a good minute. Man, it’s great to see old friends! It kind of reminds me of a friend I saw at Uno’s a few months ago. He is one of those guys that is great at making you feel like you’re special. I played tennis in college and he was on the tennis team with me. Most of my school had no idea where the tennis courts were and many of my friends hardly knew that I won the Conference Championship for number 1 singles! But I can guarantee you all of Baby G’s friends knew. He would introduce me to his friends and say, “I played tennis with this guy, he is…” He’d then go off just making me sound like a much better guy than I am. The thing about him is that he’s genuine too. Just this past weekend I saw Jake Funnell. He was another guy from my tennis team that was a splendid fellow. He introduced me to a few of his friends and just went off on how amazing I was and how I walked with God in great character. He obviously doesn’t know me as well as he thinks, but my point is that it was nice to have such nice words spoken. And it was great to see him and give him a big hug. It’s weird…I complain I don’t have friends, yet I know I do. I have friends. I fellowship with some of them on Sunday’s at church. However, my problem is the lack of fellowship that I have during the week. Either way, I’m still thankful for these people from all over that I still have friendships with. I think the thing that is puzzling isn't that I don't have any close friends. I have a decent amount, but those friends that are the ones I can count on and know that they are there for me don't live nearby. They live all over the United States...even into Asia actually:) I like that in some ways, but i think that's what makes it tough during the week, as I mentioned above.

How to get from here to there--Extreme Christianity

I've been struggling with something for a while now. We ask God for more of Him, but when we "accept Him" to come into our lives, we, at that point have all of Him we will ever need. We are filled with the Holy Ghost, joint heirs with Christ, etc. I realized that we don't need more of Him, but I was having difficulties figuring out HOW to "go after" God and what that even means. I wasn't understanding, and am still not completely sure, what it was I was missing and how I can get it. I wasn't missing more of the Holy Spirit or more of Him, but I was/am missing something in my relationship with Him and my submission to the reign of the Holy Spirit in my life. So, what does all of this mean?

Introduction:
I have been walking with God for almost 10 years now and I have gone through the early years of zeal. I have wrestled with God and developed a bone deep relationship with Him. This has caused my walk to be wholly genuine. I am grateful, but now I long to get back to the place of zealous passion. To have wrestled with God, experience the frustrations and disappointments of this world and to come back and walk in full devotion and consecration to the Lord. I am called into ministry, though of what kind, I am unsure. Perhaps at this point, my knowing is insignificant. Yet, I know I need change. Lately, I have found myself blaming my circumstances for too much. Experiencing the hurt and loneliness that goes along with desiring to have a wife, to be left single for years, questioning if God really knows what He’s doing. I have not had a mentor or any form of accountability in years. I have sought it out, but to no avail. It is mighty tough to “fight the good fight” when you do not have comrades walking by your side encouraging you along the way, in the daily battles of life. Difficulties? Sure. But no longer do I have the luxury of such excuses. My spirit will no longer allow it. My walk with God is present and real, but not extreme and revived. I'm stopping short in my obedience and in my devotion and in my love. I confess this and ask for advice.

I’ve heard too many empty prophecies, and too many clichés. Seen to many dead and irrelevant churches. I read Scripture and my heart is stirred and shaken up by the words I read. Then I pick my head up and look at myself in the mirror. I look at our theoretical approaches that sound nice, but fail when the rubber meets the road. Something doesn’t sit right in me.

Questions:
What characterizes a Spirit filled and Spirit led life? Fruit, power, holiness, gifts, being others centered.

How do I practically walk in love and power? How do I get to “that place” in my walk where His presence and glory oozes from this temple? Also…How do I live a Spirit led life? I think these three questions all have the same answer.

This is what I have so far…First, we experience His Presence by spending time with Him. We talk to Him, fix our gaze towards Him and find ourselves constantly attentive to His will. [Again, if we are Spirit led, then this will be more natural than it will be an act of our will. So why isn’t it? I find that I too often live my life out of my will, mind, and emotions. I am led by my soul more than I am being led by my spirit…my spirit which is commingled with the Holy Ghost. Something tells me that there is untapped power there!:)]

We read Scripture, fellowship with the Spirit, worship Him, obey His voice, etc. We pursue Him and His calling further by persistently and boldly crying out to Him. We experience spiritual discontentment and dissatisfaction for anything less than what He wants for us. We study, walk in our giftings and continue to obey as we daily fix our eyes on Jesus.

I want the church to be so saturated by His presence that it flows out onto others. I want us so consumed by Him, that His glory permeates through us and His radiance is manifested through us. It’s God will too. As humbling as it is, that’s how He chose to reveal Himself in this age.

I am not trying to make a formula out of this, but these seem to be active ingredients in a Spirit empowered life manifesting God’s presence, right? What am I missing? The crux of what I am trying to say is all rooted in relationship. An “abiding in the Vine” if you will. We are transformed when we behold Him daily. Again, is there something else?

1 2 3 4 5 Everybody in the car, so come on let's ride

1) Name that song!
2) I go to EVERYTHING alone. Movies, church, the mall, out to eat, etc. It's tiring.
3) I sleep 10 hours every day. Why?
4) Nice to talk to non Christians sometimes because they are more genuine...or at least appear that way. It seems that Christians put on a front more. Sometimes non-Christians seem to have more life to them. Why is that?
5) I just watched Full House and almost started crying while watching it at work. Uncle Jessie had just found out he was going to have twins. It just kept making me think of how much I want to be a husband and a father. I can’t wait to start my own family. It made me think of how sick I am of having to apologize for feeling that way too.

personal God stuff (part 1)

OK, this is my problem. I have a deep stirring in my heart to go wholly after the things of God, however, I am experiencing a tendency to just escape. Especially during this Christmas season when it gets hard. Pray that I don't. I know that I have been partly blaming my lack of obedience to the calling of God on my life and to His ways on not having guys to "fight the fight with me" or to "hold me accountable." But when I went to a worship service last night, something shook me inside and I realized i can't keep making excuses. The song was called You and Me Alone. These are the lyrics:

Take all I am, and all I have gained
Lay me bare to the bone
Shake the foundations and see what remains
It's just You and me, alone
'Til it's just You and me alone

So tear down the borders that I have built
Crush the walls, stone by stone
Destroy my resistance, that I hold so strong
'Til it's just You and me, alone
You and me alone

(Lay me down)Let this place be an altar
(Lay me down)Let this death be complete
(Lay me down)Let this song be a marker-stone
That others can easily see

(Lay me down)Like a drink that is poured out
(Lay me down)Like a seed that must die
(Lay me down)So I can rise in the morning
While the graveclothes fall down at my feet
It's just You and me alone

The song made me think of all the things in my life that I have come to rely on and depend on for my fulfillment before God. So this song is my new prayer...though it can only mean more wrestling with God, I hope that I can allow this process to take place. Perhaps I should add a new middle name to my name. If so, it would be Jacob, because of what the name means. If you don't know, look it up:)

I will stop this blog here and split this into 2 blogs. Until next time...

folk music and rejection (part 1)

I went to a folk music open mic Thursday night to see a friend from college play (Dan). I thought he has gotten much better! His voice has matured and his guitar playing is very solid now. I enjoyed listening to him play a lot! While listening to Dan play, I finally understood the perspective, “there shouldn’t be Christian music, just Christians playing music.” Now, I have been tremendously blessed by “Christian” music and I think it is very edifying to other Christians. It struck me how easy it is to be a Christian and play music for other Christians. How difficult it is to be a Christian and be a redeeming influence on the culture and on music by playing “in the world.” As I was listening to the lyrics of Dan’s songs, I couldn’t help but realize how good he is as a songwriter. His songs were deep and meaningful and redeeming. He has found a way to glorify God through his play, his words and his actions up on the stage. All the while, being subtle enough that when people come and listen to him, they’re not offended by his lyrics.

Rejection
Guys: Another thing I realized that night was how I miss “the guys.” I wish I would have been included more by them my freshman year of college so that I could develop deeper friendships with them. As they matured, they got nicerJ Especially Dan. I was always the odd one out. When I got invited places it was often out of pity. And no, I didn’t have some poor view of myself that made me delusional into thinking that way. That was not always the case, but it often was. I was a little sheltered coming into college, so I can understand a little of why I would have been a tad bit more annoying to be around. My point in this is not to bash them, but to point out my desire to have guy friends. None of them are or were bad guys. Anyway, when the next year came by, I made new friends. I do not wish to replace the friends I have made as a result of this decision at all, but the friendships I got that year resulted in like 8 female friendships, and one guy friendship. I am close to most of those friends still now. However, almost all of them live away from me and/or are married. I don’t have a best friend. It makes me lonely. I wish I would have the opportunity to spend time with guys and be included in a “band of brothers” in a sense. One of my favorite memories in college was when they “let me” come with them to the Saco river in Maine for a kayak/canoe trip. We went up and down the river staying overnight at the sand inlets on the river. There was something special in that. Something I miss and long after. And something that I fear I will never get it.

calm before the storm

Favorite television shows: Fraggle Rock, Alf, Carnivale, House...and many more that I can't think of, so...remind me what I am missing!
Favorite Romance movie: The Notebook
Favorite Epic(?) movie: Braveheart, followed by Patriot both with Mel Gibson
Favorite(s) for comedy, drama, mystery/suspense/thriller, horror, action: I have yet to give my decree as to which is the best in each genre so I am willing to take requests and suggestions at this time (yes that means you have to leave a comment!)

Wow. I guess the real reason I am writing such a fluffy blog is that I had a night of intense introspection and wrote down a whole bunch of personal stuff. So, think of this blog as the calm before the storm. :)

worth and an exhortation

"You can measure your worth by how much you are missed when you leave." This is a quote from a friend of mine, which is likely misquoted a tad, but you get the point. I don't think this person was trying to convey the extreme of what the quote could mean. Instead the quote makes a brash statement to make a point. We obviously may have worth whether or not people realize it and whether or not we are missed at all. However, the element of truth in the statement is that when someone leaves a group of people, they leave a hole that is difficult, and often times impossible to fill. If you don't leave any mark behind you when you leave, the "worth" or relevancy ("worth" may be too strong of a word) of the person is to be questioned or at least (self) examined. Our worth as human beings goes over and above what someone's perceptions of us are thank goodness! But why do I bring this up? When I left my last church I didn't feel a great sense of worth as nobody missed me or seemed sad I was going. No cards, no calls, nobody seemed to care, even when i didn't show up for 8 straight weeks. When a good guy dies, there should be a hole, people should be sad. When a good guy leaves, there should be a hole, people should be sad. I'll be sorely missed by people, even on a personal level, at my work. I believe I was and am missed by friends at the college that I went to. But for some reason, there was no sense of sadness to see me leave my church. I asked many people for some help to house me on random days throughout the week as I stay in the north shore to work (though I live in Gardner) and those that had the most room in their houses, those that I thought I was the closest to, were the ones that offered no help. Micah Baker, Melinda Corey, and Karen Wood. These three people were willing to house me off and on, but not consistently. I am grateful for them, because it was DEMORALIZING not being able to find someone to house me. Tom Lovell, who perhaps had the least amount of room out of anyone is currently housing me every single night that i need a place to stay. He gave me a key to his place and wants me to feel at home. I am humbled by his generosity.

As I finish, I am reminded of how fragile I am, and many others as well. We may have many talents and gifts, but how much it helps for someone to believe in you and see value in you! Sometimes, that makes all the difference in the world. Sure we should all be sure of ourselves, and be firm in who we are in Christ, but it's not always that easy. So instead of talking down to others or focusing on weaknesses, let's all try to see the value in others and find ways to help people feel special and help them realize that they are special.

even more randomness

Thanksgiving...Sometimes I get sad when i think of what I have because I think of how I won't always have it. The sense of future loss makes me sad. It shouldn't. For even in that time of loss, I will have even more to be thankful for, even if it's just the pleasant memories of days past.

Shame on me for not mentioning my time at the Patriots game! That should have been included in my last blog. I must be slipping!:) It was kind of surreal...walking up to the stadium and just taking it all in. Suprisingly enough it was the stadium that had me more than seeing the players. Anyway, it was fun to be there for another game that came down to the wire.

Last night I had a dream about my first girlfriend, my dad and a velociraptor (you know, the cool dinosaurs in Jurassic Park). I escaped the velociraptor, but I can't say the same for my other two accomplices. I can give you the full dream if you want, but i'll just say, it was weird. It's one of those dreams that has you feeling embarassed half way through telling it because you realize it makes about as much sense as a bald monkey (see...i don't even know what the heck that was supossed to mean!).

Gosh, this is a weird blog. Perhaps I will continue on in that vein and just get it all out of my system now. Other meaningless quotes I often say include: What's your middle name in Hebrew? Did London go to Georgia or did Georgia go to London?

Now is the time for my daily rant: Today's rant is about presents during this holiday season. I saw that there was a "scuffle" at one of the malls on the news today. I wish we could all just buy our own presents and then there would be less problems. We all know what we want and we'd all be happy. Even more importantly though, we'd remember more of what Christmas is about. Now I know, the three wise men brought gifts to baby Jesus and there's nothing wrong with giving gifts. Yet, shouldn't the majority of our "effort" and time during the holiday season be about family, Jesus, love, being thankful, etc.? And yes, serving one another (perhaps through gifts), but by golly (yes I just said by golly) isn't there more than that?! Anyway, that isn't even my rant, this is: So many people are complaining about the term Christmas. We should say "Happy Holidays." Christmas is to much of a Christian holiday. We can't sing Christmas carols, and if some had it their way, we probably wouldn't be allowed to say grace before eating our meals. It strikes me funny (in a not funny whatsoever kind of way) that those who don't want to take part in "Christmas" carols or say "Merry Christmas" are many time the same ones out buying gifts for one another, celebrating (though not knowingly) when the wise men brought the gifts to baby Jesus.

Some meaningless banter

Evaluations and "Moving on": We are doing evaluations at my work again. I actually feel good about mine this year because I answered honestly, and though there are no monetary rewards for doing well on the evaluations, I still am excited to see what the managers have to say. I'm actually very good at my job, so in that way, I find it fulfilling. However, I feel like my time there is quickly nearing an end as it is time for me to move on to something else. I will probably never find another job that is as relaxed and where I have as much freedom and flexibility as I do in this job. I love parts of the job, but I can't stay there just because it's easy. "I have to choose between what's right and what's easy." I sense God leading me in another direction. Unfortunately, I am not sure what that is yet. I think I am ready to follow where He leads, but I still fear if I really will do what is called of me. I was wondering just the other day...what if God called me to be a missionary in a remote part of the world? Ashamedly, my first thought was, "I wonder if I could take a furlough every football season, and come back to America, watch all the games, and then go back to my missionary work." Hahaha. ahh, i amuse me:)

A quick frustration: (so many to choose from) about one of my coworkers. One of the overnight staff is pregnant again! She has no father that will stay around with the kids or pay child support, but she keeps getting pregnant. First of all, shame on those "men" who don't care at all about the women they sleep with or the child that they helped conceive...but I digress...She is not putting any thought into these kids or how she will support them. I know I know, "don't judge, you don't know what her story is." Yet, I just get frustrated with people who bleed the system dry by purposely being irresponsible. She says, "I am pregnant, and I want to have more kids too!" WHAT?! I guess it's easy to do that when myself and other people (the state) end up paying for your kids. I don't want to turn this into a political discussion, but my gosh, show some intelligence.

Quick note: Last week I stayed up until 2 in the morning watching Texas Hold em Poker. What in the world is wrong with me?

Fireworks at Work and Boston Sports

I'm at work doing yet another overnight because yet another staff person called in. How can someone who works three shifts a week call out 2 times every month?! I'm not ranting...honest! I'm more just amused by the kind of stuff that goes on around here. It's par for the course around these parts.

We had a discussion in our staff meeting yesterday about how we all have our own perceptions and opinions about life, religion, politics, etc. and how we shouldn't let that affect/influence our work with the clients. First of all, Jesus will affect and influence my work and if you don't like it, then fire me. But since you admire my work so much and you "can't imagine what the place without me" (yes, they said that), then I guess you'll have to deal with it:) Anyway, my boss said that it would be inappropriate to bring a Bible to work or talk about Jesus. I understand that it's safer to avoid the subject of religion. I understand also that in most work places that topic is not "allowed." However, politics and religion are both sensitive topics because they are topics people care deeply about. We further institutionalize clients when we don't allow these discussions to take place. I took a sense of pleasure in the fact that throughout the conversation with my boss, he was not able to respond to my comments and ended up contradicting himself numerous times. My finest moment was when I said, "If Christians were as intolerant of the world as the rest of the world is of Christians then we would have quite a dilemna wouldn't we?" ZING!

I got a flu shot yesterday? Do these things work?

Just so everyone knows, I'm going to a Patriots game this weekend with a good friend. As i was currently reading in Denise's blog (which can be found at): http://www.year23.blogspot.com/ (check out her new haircut!), she noted that she gets "attached" to sports. I could associate with that, yet, I think i take it too far. When the Pats are playing, especially in the playoffs, I go through periods of not being able to eat because I am so nervous. I know I shouldn't get this involved, but I DO enjoy it. Last week I was throwing a fit because the Patriots scored a TD towards the end of the game giving the dolphins too much time to score themselves. Right after we scored (yes, I refer to Boston teams as "we") my dad asked my mom what happened? thinking that something bad happened like the TD got called back on a holding penalty or something. NOPE. I'm just ridiculous and I overreacted. Since I'm on the subject of sports...I don't like watching sports with older guys sometimes. They think they know the players, the rules, the plays...AND THEY USUALLY DON'T. They don't know the rules well, nor do they understand the game. The fact that they don't know everything doesn't bother me. It's just that they give the fascade that they are experts! And they're not!...I am:) hehe.

In conclusion, I will share a story, slightly combining these two topics of work and sports. When the World Series was going on I asked one of my coworkers (who says she LOVES baseball and goes to games and all that) who was representing the National League in the World Series. She replied with the "Toronto Blue Jays." If you don't know why that's funny, then I won't explain it to you. But in case there is confusion, it IS funny!:)

Al Lone

All right, all right. It's been a while. At this point, I will probably have to get a new reader base as my old readers must have stopped checking by now. It's been quite a while. I was either too busy or lacked the incentive to write about anything. But, in the words of Tom Brady after winning his second SuperBowl, "I'm (we're) back." I actually have some stuff to update you all on and some other stuff to say, but for now, I'll write a little short story. I realize the grammar and structure is far from perfect as I am not a good story teller, but i was in the mood. So that's what you get:)

Al went to the mall to get some Christmas shopping done. Well...that was one of his errands he wanted to get done, but it wasn't the purpose for leaving the house on that beautiful day. It was one of those fall afternoons where the smell of the air and the warmth of the sun put a smile on every face that stepped outside the house. So, it was no suprise when Al walked to his car, he was greeted by his elderly next door neighbor, with a warm smile on her face and an ensuing conversation about the weather. "Hello Mr. Lone, what another gorgeous day the Lord has blessed us with no?" Her grandchildren interrupting half way through to show her some new insects that they had just caught from the yard. Al didn't have much to say as he always felt quite awkward around the elderly, and he wasn't crazy about creepy little insects. It's not that he didn't like them, but...he just doesn't like to be around them much. After all, he had "more important things" to do that day. He quickly checked his mailbox before getting into his car. Nothing. Al quickly jumped into his car and drove to the mall. His mind was racing with different ways he could bless people by finding those who are alone and somehow just find a way to love on them. Al realized that he couldn't necessarily bring joy to someone's life himself, but as Christian, he believed that the Holy Spirit living within him could do more than Al could do in his flesh. He started day dreaming of the different ways that the Holy Spirit would "ooze" out of him and touch people's lives just by walking by and making eye contact with people. Al wasn't a theologian, he barely finished high school, so he wasn't sure how much sense this even made. Yet, Al was a man of action, he wanted to "do" first and then find a way to make sense out of it later. As he arrived to the mall, he parked his car far away from the entrance. Al always thought that it didn't make much sense driving around for 3 minutes trying to find a close parking spot when he could just walk to the entrance in half the time. Upon entering the main entrance, he saw a group of boys smoking outside near the door. The kids varied in ages from 16 to 26, but they all seemed to have a sense of brotherhood about them despite their ages. Many of them were dressed in black shirts and sweatshirts. Al thought to himself that these kids seemed happy enough being in their group, so he will just "let them be" and walked in the side entrance instead. As Al walked through the food court, he couldn't help but get some food for himself. After all, it's been 30 minutes since his last meal and he could already feel himself in the mood for more food. As he sat down to eat, he looked around at the other tables in the food court. There were many couples, young and old, sitting down across from each other eating their afternoon meal. Some couples were seemingly engaged in some very interesting topics. Others just sat across the table eating their food in silence, while occasionally looking into each other's eyes, and giving a quick smile before going back to their food. Most of the couples across the food court seemed to be laughing and smiling more than they were eating their food. However, there was one couple that attracted much of Al's attention. The father was bouncing his two year old son on his lap and throwing him up in the air. The young boy screamed with excitement as if relishing in the fact that he knew his father was there to catch him every time. The father was glowing with pride for his son and it didn't seem like anything could take the smile off of the father's face. Al was overwhelmed with emotion, as this episode reminded him of his own desire to have his own family. Al walked away from his meal feeling very down and decided to just go home. He thought that he'd at least walk the long way around to his car. In his walk, he saw an elderly couple holding hands, walking slowly in front of him. At first, Al was enraged that these old people didn't seem to have enough consideration for the "rest of the world" that was trying to get by and get on with their lives. As he passed them, Al started to feel less awkward and saw a certain beauty in the old couple that he passed. Al wasn't sure what to make out of it, so he just walked quickly past them as if he had somewhere to go. By the time Al came back to his house, the sun had set and the cool evening air caused Al's breath to show whenever he exhaled. Al quickly ran inside and got ready for bed. While brushing his teeth, he thought of how he wasn't able to really brighten anyone's day and make them feel less lonely. Upon thinking of it further, Al realized he didn't see anyone who was alone and in need of companionship the whole day. Wiping his face off he looked in the mirror and stopped himself dead in his tracks. There before him stood the face he had been searching for all day. Before him stood the lonliest face he'd seen for quite some time. "How many people have i been fooling with this face?" The sad facts of the day came crashing into his mind. The empty mailbox, his forgotten birthday, the empty bed, the silent phone. Al thought of all the people he saw that day and it made him feel sick to think that he had nobody to share his day with. When Al gathered himself, he was too emotionally drained and tired to watch tv, so he lay down in bed, shutting the lights off and...the silence was too much. Al turned the tv on and drifted off to sleep.

rambling

And IIIII'm spent! I pity the fool who didn't see the Agassi-Blake match last night. Was it THE greatest match of all time? No. It was definitely ONE of the most enjoyable matches I have ever seen. I'd say more, but I'm speechless.

Baseball season is slowly winding to and end with playoffs quickly approaching. On top of that, football is starting up! First game is tonight! When so much else in life is frustrating, it's great to be able to retreat to meaningless activities like watching sports. What is it about sports that makes me feel euphoric at times? Chances are, there's something wrong with me, but I'm ok with that for now.

OK. This is where I am at now. I don't need to figure out where I will be going when i move out of my parents house (i haven't even got there yet), but there is a lot of thinking that I have to do. Trying to figure out what stirs my heart, what I really feel alive doing. What do I want to do? What kinds of things am I really good at? Do I have certain gifts/abilities? What are they? When I figure that out, I will at least have some direction into where to go. Whether I go to Colorado, South Carolina, Maine, or wherever to live and start life. Perhaps I will go to seminary and do that. Maybe I will want to just go somewhere to serve. Just spend some time completely focused on other people, getting my eyes completely off of me for a while and spend my time on behalf of others. Maybe that will be a mission field maybe some christian organization, i don't know. obviously, i don't know. I have some time though. Good thing my parents are letting me stay and give me some time to think things through. It'll be nice to be able to save up some money.

a not so quick update

“Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.” This quote was on a friend of a friend's website and I wanted to steal it because it made me laugh.

OK. This very well may be the least interesting post in the world, but i wanted to update all of you (and remind me) what's on my plate as of late (that's right, I'm such a good rapper...you know it!).

I went to a wedding this weekend and I was an usher. The wedding was in South Carolina and for my best friend in high school. He was really glad that I made it, and so was I. My dad and I went down and I actually had a good time. The rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception...I actually enjoyed myself! Go figure. I'm glad my dad was able to go down there with me, it made the trip much more enjoyable. Scott, the groom, is one of the those guys who hasn't changed much, but that isn't a bad thing. He's got a great heart and you know he'd do anything for you. So it was easy to not feel sorry for myself and to just be happy for him during most of the time i was down there. Scott even came over and sat next to me during the reception and asked, "so...how are you doing?" in a way that let me know he understood that this wasn't easy for me. I didn't want to spoil his big day so i changed the subject, but the fact that he came over and asked that question when he had so much other stuff going on meant a lot. In the wedding pamphlet, he compared ourselves to David (me) and Jonathon (Scott) due to our close friendship. At the reception, I actually danced a little. And I danced one slow song with this southern bell who asked me to dance. I was stuffing my face with ice cream at the time so it took me a few seconds to respond. For the record, I really like southern girls. Their accents are addictive and they are so polite. I think they'd be able to draw me out of my shell so much more than most girls from New England just because of their extra courteous personality (not everyone obviously, and I know some of it is all just fake, but anyway...). I like 'em. The southern guys are cooler than guys from New England as well. The ones that I met were nice guys, who didn't give off any sense of being better than anyone else. They were just funny, humble guys who were quite enjoyable to be around. Apparently, my parents went to brooks pharmacy to develop the film and they somehow jammed the film. Losers. 2 other quick things: 1) directions...mapquest sucks! We got lost three times and none of those times were fully our fault. Granted, my dad didn't neccesarily serve as the greatest navigator in the passenger seat (hey dad where are we turning next? huh, i don't know! dad, you have the directions...). Anyway, we were told to take turns on roads that didn't exist and not told to take turns onto roads that we needed to travel on. It was a mess. But we found everything on time...kind of. 2) The guys pulled a good joke that fooled everyone. They pulled it off very well! When the pastor asked for the ring, the best man looked for it and couldn't find it, he looked horrified. Then the that went on down the line until the last guy looked in his pockets and was shocked to find the ring there. Everyone got a good laugh out of it. Overall, the wedding was good, but at times it just tore me apart.

Parts of the wedding made me long to be with "that special someone" so much. Luckily, I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and many things that I am trying to concentrate on and pursue. Yet still, the strain on my heart to be with someone is growing stronger. I don't even think about it, the feelings will randomly just come upon me out of nowhere. I'm trying so hard to "fight the good fight," but right now I am in survival mode and not always living or pursuing the best for my life. Instead of waiting for "God's best, i let my heart settle for counterfeits because most of the time i am just trying to make it through the day. I want to find guys to fight the fight with. I want to live for a cause greater than myself and pursue God’s calling for me. I want to spend more time in intimacy with God, receiving His strength and grace and just being in His presence like I never have before. I don’t think I am supposed to be trying to go through all these hard times alone. So all that to say that there’s things I am trying to get in place besides just having a girl. Yet, it still hurts a lot right now! So, I spend time crying out to God for more of His grace and strength so that in relying upon Him, He may be an everpresent help, even more now that I feel so alone. I’ve prayed that if there’ something stopping me from meeting the girl He has for me than for Him to reveal it to me and help me change. He told me one thing and now I fear I won’t be able to change.

I want to/need to move away (like out of state to North Carolina, Colorado, or Maine or wherever), but I just fear moving away and feeling even more alone than now. Yet, I'm alone now anyway. In eventually moving away I may just start to get out of the rut i currently find myself in now. For now, I plan on moving to my parent's house to save some more money and spent some time with them before moving again. I will keep my job here in Danvers and commute (1.5 hrs each way). I am hoping that I will be able to work something out at my job with my scheduling so that I don't have to commute so many days. I will also be asking some people in the northshore if they wouldn't mind giving me a floor to sleep on once every other week or so. That would help me not have to commute all the time as well.

Lions, cheetahs and bare(s) oh my!

Except for a rare exception, I haven't been able to write much since I promised that I wouldn't complain or vent...hm...interesting:) Just kidding. OK, this is what I've been up to. Yesterday I played golf. I shot a 58 on a par 35 golf course (9 holes obviously). That's 23 over par...and I'm happy about it. I realize that's pathetic and sad, but i don't care:) I will not talk about going to the gym in my effort to gain weight and I will not talk about my future moving plans. Both of those are frustrating right now and I am keeping this blog happy:) see my smile?

I saw the "movie"/documentary March of the Penguins. I did enjoy it, as I thought the penguins, especially the babies were absolutely adoreable...but seeing some of the penguins turn into popsicles in the freezing cold weather made me pretty bummed. I'm always amazed at how different animals mate, get food, nurture their young, and live their lives in general. Sometimes it's fascinating just observing the manner in which they do things. It's not that I'm impressed so much by the intellect of the animals, but just by their natural, God given sense of how to live...to survive. I've recently learned that cheetas, due to their fast metabolism, only have 3 good sprints in them to catch food. If they don't get the catch by the third try, they die. Sometimes I feel like a cheetah! Lions are a bit luckier. They have five days. The first time they go out to catch some food, they sneak up on their prey and they sprint out way to early giving all the other animals a huge headstart. The second time the lion goes out he gets a little smarter. He sneaks up on them, but when he starts chasing after them, he gets tunnel vision and will only go after the one animal he is locked in on and will end up ignoring all the other ones flying by his face. By the third try, the lion's vision expands and he catches his prey. Point is, how amazing for these animals to have this sense where they can develop these skills and learn so quickly. Granted, their survival is dependant upon it, but still, I'd love to learn things that quick.

Lastly, there are a few cultures in South America that, quite understandably, have a different sort of dress code than we do. We here in North America will cover up certain parts of our bodies so that we are not seen as being naked. No more detail is neccesary. Now, in those remote places in South America, they will wear a cord around their waist. Yes, just a cord. When asked why they wear the cord, they respond by saying, "What, and be naked?!"

An effigy continued

My Saturday night, like any other person my age (hint of sarcasm), consists of watching the Muppets Wizard of Oz followed by cleaning my apartment at 11:00 at night. Absolutely pathetic! It also consisted of some "childish behavior." Go to "the D's" website here to check out what the background is for this story. Seriously, you have to read it first, then come back here and read my follow-up of what transpires as a result of our "childishness." My story won't make sense till you read his. So...read it!

While peacefully in my slumber, I was awoken by the sound of two hot tempered, not very happy individuals. One my roommate (the self proclaimed “mature” one), the other his girlfriend. (note: Roommate from here on out will refer to the "bad" roommate, not Darrell) I will try to recount the story to the best of my recollection, however, the flow of conversation may not be fully there as 1) I don’t remember everything (having just woken up) and 2) there was a lot of repeating going on. The first words I heard of their conversation, while lying a little less peacefully in my bed, was this conversation:

Roommate: They’re just idiots! I’m sick of living with idiots!

Girlfriend: Do I just have a bad sense of humor? (referring to the clothes on the rafters)
Roommate: No, they do. (Even though the answer to the question should have been a resounding YES)
Girlfriend: Even my girlfriends who know me really well wouldn’t have done this to me. (I wanted to scream out that’s because your girlfriends know you well enough to know you would overreact and carry on like a baby...I resisted [pat myself on the back])

Girlfriend: A part of me feels really bad. I do leave my stuff around. I’m sorry (an apology to the roommate for seemingly causing this huge ordeal).
Roommate: It's not a problem deat. It’s a pigsty here, it was when I moved in. It’s like pigs complaining about dirt.

They slam the door, they leave the house, and then speed off in his car, screeching tires and all (big man). Two minutes later, I get a not so friendly knock on my door asking me if I can talk. I put a shirt on (so that they aren’t too intimidated by my HUGE muscles) and open the door. I find, in front of me, a very mild looking man, but a face that looked like it was about to blow fire from its nose. It was my roommate! I fought the urge to say, “how are you this fine and lovely day?” with a quaint smile. Mostly, I had all my lightheartedness zapped out of me when I opened that door finding my roommate leaning on my door frame, looking down at me from the kitchen about 1-2 feet from my face. My initial internal reaction? “Boy, you best be stepping away from my door and my face before I move you myself.” Luckily it didn’t come to that. He was upset, especially as his girlfriend was crying (yes she was sobbing for a good 15 minutes), so I decided to give him some leniency for being upset. After all, any guy would feel the need to protect and stand up for his girlfriend, right? Right. A conversation ensued.

Roommate: What was that all about? (Pointing to the rope that once held the infamous bathing suit) (At this point both him and his girlfriend asked me about 10 questions and kept talking).

Matt: OK. You asked a question, but you’re still talking. Do you want me to explain something or listen to you blow off steam?

Girlfriend: You know, you don’t have to say it like that!

Matt: (I roll my eyes and laugh and then carry on the conversation)

Roommate: Matt...this place is a pig sty. It has been ever since I moved in. (I noticed how he cut out his earlier phrase when he wasn't talking directly to me...you know the one about me being like a pig complaining about dirt).

Matt: Do you live here too? Then you can clean some of it up yourself too! It will get messy having three people live in one house.

Roommate: C'mon! I have cleaned the bathroom (this happened once in the six months he's lived here), I have done the dishes (...yikes, dude, seriously don't start with this...i've cleaned up after you like your mom, so don't...), I'm the only one to take out the trash (holy crap, I'm going to lose it), I had to buy a shower curtain because our other one got too dirty (oh, poor baby...welcome to life, now get over it).

(At this time I go on to tell him all of the things I do arond the house, much like two 5 year olds arguing over who's daddy is stronger...by the way, mine is. At this point I am almost yelling, but then I realized something. Explaining this to him won't do any good. It's like trying to explain stuff to the people I work with. This guy is really so delusional he probably thinks he really is the only one to do anything around here.)

Girlfriend: If you had a problem, you should have said something to me. I know I’m over here a lot, but if you had a problem…why didn’t you say something?

Matt: OK. First, I told your boyfriend that your clothes were on the couch couple of times.

Roommate: You never asked for me to pick it up or do something about it.

Matt: I didn’t think I had to connect the dots for you! She’s not my girlfriend and not my guest, she’s yours. Secondly, why didn’t I say something? Because the fact that your clothes were out there on the couch honestly wasn’t really a big deal to me. It didn’t serve as a huge annoyance, something that NEEDED to be talked about. When we put your bathing suit up, it was meant as a joke. Not a message that we hate you or that we want you out of our house (as she had previously alluded to). It was just a joke.

Girlfriend: How else am I supposed to take it? My clothes are up there. It sure seemed like you were trying to resemble me, hung up by rope on the rafters. It’s like an effigy. How am I supposed to feel safe here?

(You've got to be kidding me)

Matt: That wasn’t our intention. To be honest with you, we both thought it looked more like a stuffed turkey than anything else. (on second thought, maybe it was an effigy…hahaha…I’m a jerk).

Girlfriend: Do you feel bad at all about what you guys did? The look on your face makes it seem like you don’t even care!

Matt: First, you just woke me up, this is how I look in the morning. Secondly, no, I don’t feel bad. It was meant as a joke, not as a message. I’m sorry you are so hurt by all this, but that’s about it.

Roommate: Well, Matt. I’m going to get going. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to call the landlord and give him the month’s notice. I’m moving out.

Matt: OK (said with a sly grin)

So, one of my changes that I alluded to in other blogs will soon come to pass...my living situation...so thank you roommate numero douche for all your help!

long time no write

I haven't been writing for a while and I just recently figured out why. The reason is twofold. One, I am in a learning mode, reading books, being introspective, that kind of thing. During such a time, I generally like to just process things myself. So, I've been doing that and also chatting to some people about it to sharpen my learning. Two, I don't have much new to write lately. Everything that I have written about recently is still a major issue. Same frustrations, same questions, same everything. I don't want to continue to say the same stuff over and over again using different words. Unfortunately, I am just kind of in a rut. I need something different to happen in my life or I need to make something happen. Just not really sure the action steps to take to make such a thing happen.

Also, I am generally wired lately. Work has me annoyed, my personal life (what there is of it) is irritating, and when I come home to my place of rest and relaxation I feel exasperated. I am relatively a calm and gentle person, but lately I feel like I could just tell someone off. It's not bad to speak up and express yourself, but i'm starting to think I may be getting like my dad was. For example, "You don't like it, suck off!" Anyway, I haven't gotten to that point, yet for some reason I feel like it could happen. I remember days, days not too distant, when I used to be filled with joy and laughter. I'd feel more free and excited about life. Not that I wasn't sad or lonely during these times, but I felt more alive, like my life had more of a purpose and my soul felt stirred. Maybe during these times I didn't live so much of my life in my head. Perhaps I allowed myself to experience more of life. Needless to say, currently, I don't feel like I am allowing myself to experience much at all. And I don't know what to change.

Piggybacking on my last paragraph...I am currently in a situation where I do not feel like I am in control. Most areas of my life where I may want a change (job, where I am living, who I am living with, church, etc.) I can change! I can harbor hope that things will get better. Why? Because if it doesn't, I can make some changes and alter those things so that I am as fulfilled and satisfied as possible (i know life isn't perfect, but you get the point). However, I do not have control over having a girlfriend. Yes, this is where you say, "arghh....not this again." And I say, "now you know why i haven't been writing lately!":) It does not seem to matter what I do, I cannot get a girlfriend. I am actually losing hope that I will ever get married! Maybe I lack certain social graces, maybe I don't run in the right circles, whatever the case, I am lost. I have gone at least four years without a girlfriend. That's a long time for a funny, down to earth, good looking chap like myself! I say four years AT LEAST because my last relationship was off and on and was hardly a real relationship. If I don't include that, I haven't had a girlfriend for 7 years! Yes, I am counting the years so that I can get all of your pity! mwahahaha...you see, pity has done wonders for me...that's a different story. For the record, my off and on relationship that I referred to was with a girl who is a great person with a good heart. We just didn't and don't mesh "that way." I'm actually wrong for letting things go the way they did...just for the record.

I have gone from just living my life and trusting that "in the right time the right girl will come along" to searching for her, even by such means as online dating sites as eharmony.com. I am sure some ignorant person will say, "Matt, you can't control whether you have a girlfriend and you therefore can't control whether or not you have someone to share your life with at the current time...so just be happy with where you are at and spend time doing what you want to do, then you won't be lonely!" "Someone can say, when you stop looking for and stop worrying about a girlfriend, then that is the time that someone will come into your life." That may be true, but my one question is this: do i just ignore this gaping whole I feel in my heart? I can't fill it with something else (put your time and energy into sports or work or school) because that doesn't get to the root of the problem. It's like putting a bandaid over the cut...no worse yet, it's like putting dirt in the cut to fill the cut. It actually infects you that way. Having hobbies and things you enjoy are very important to have. That's what I wish I could do more of actually, perhaps that would make me feel more alive (see above paragraph). But those things should be a part of my life to fill other needs I have, so I can't prostitute those great things over to the whole in my heart. The whole in my heart isn't something that God should be filling either (we all have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts), so don't start giving me some bad theological christian cliche (I don't respond well to those). God isn't in just one part of my life, but He transcends into each area of my life. Through time, I am learning how to let His will happen in every aspect of my life, great and small. However, even while serving God and being close to Him, I still have a gaping whole in my heart. What am I left to do? Ignore it? (Yes, that's a rhetorical question). OK. this time i mean it, next blog will be positive!

the last frustration from Matt...for now

I am TERRIBLE at pictionary. Like there is bad, but i'm a completely new level. I was playing with some friends and I couldn't even guess truck. I mean it looked just like a truck, but all i could come up with is car...four wheel drive...limo. I did draw some real good stuff though. Like this gem (darkened for your viewing pleasure):


In case you can't tell...the answer is waterski! of course:)

Question. If there are clients who cannot buckle their own seatbelts, cannot turn off the phone, and cannot unclog their own toilets, do you think it's possible that they may need more help than I am able to give them? Perhaps we should have trainings for things like this? YIKES. I actually held a training on how to turn the power button off on a coffee pot. No joke. It's amusing...up to a point.

Church frustration I have begun reading a book entitled "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian D. McLarsen. It's a fiction book in that it's a novel, but it's kind of non-fiction for the content. It is a highly criticized book which tells me it's either heretical or dead-on balls accurate (sometimes people just cannot handle convicting truth). I don't agree with everything he says per se, but I do like his premise for writing. I like this quote: "What if our personal experiences of frustration are surface manifestations of a deeper movement of God's Spirit?" It makes me wonder if perhaps the Holy Spirit is frustrated Himself, and desires to impart change through us. That could be exciting...though it will possibly mean a willingness for us to break free from what the prophet Jeremiah calls, "our old wineskins." (Things that the church has placed undue and unneeded emphasis on in our church tradition)

One paragraph in the introduction reads as such: "You can't talk about this sort of thing with just anybody. People worry about you. They may think you're changing sides, turning traitor. They may talk about you as if you came down with some communicable disease. So you keep this sort of thing like a dirty secret, this doubt that is not really a doubt about God or Jesus or faith but about our take on God, our version of Jesus, our way of faith. You let it out only when you found someone you can trust." In our postmodern worldview, we have a different way of looking at life, politics, religion, and the world in general than people of medieval times for instance. Not saying Christianity is untrue, but I am saying that we should have the freedom to think. The freedom to be intellectually (and spiritually) honest with ourselves and wrestle with questions that don't fit into the theological, pigeon-holed framework that we have developed. Since when does being a Christian give license to stop thinking critically? The point is not to revolt against evangelicalism or mainstream christianity. The point is to get out of the mold of just thinking like everyone else and accepting pat answers, cliches and platitudes that sound nice, but when you get into the real world, don't amount for crap! God is too big, too majestic! And for us to see more of God and His beauty, we should all explore the Scriptures, search our own hearts and contribute something (something perhaps new and invigorating) to the church. Wow, i'm complaining a lot about church stuff it seems...in actuality, i love the church. Well, hopefully i got that off my chest. I have more good stuff to say than negative believe it or not. You'll have to keep reading to find out:)

the ugly duckling

Personal frustration It's been a while since my last entry. Too much is going on externally and internally to even know what to write about. Many changes are taking place in the near future. I will be changing my living situation and location. But I am not sure when or any of the details behind it as of yet. I may be changing my church. I'm not sure yet, but i guess we'll see shortly. I may be changing my job as well. If so, am I getting another job? Going to seminary? I don't know. Either way, I need some money so that if I don't get married some day I will at least have enough money to adopt and raise a kid myself. I will have my own family even if I have to construct it myself dammit! (yes I just swore, get over it). Having faith that God will help me out in this area is tough for me right now I admit. He's always been faithful, yet my pain pushes me closer to doubt. I feel like for me to have an opportunity to experience mutual love with a girl, it will have to come from me doing everything just right and making it happen myself. That's a bad way to feel and too much pressure. I won't go into my sob story about how I feel like girls just don't see what I great guy I am. But...THEY DON'T! Yes, many of you who know me can attest I have many many annoying attributes that are a part of who I am. Whether it's my body that you find replusing or my sense of humor that irks you so, i don't care. My body is finely chiseled machine and I make myself laugh. Nevertheless (or is it nonetheless, i can never remember) I don't feel valued, understood or appreciated for who I truly am and what I have to offer. When you feel like nobody gets you, it sucks. I wasn't made to be alone, and though I am trying to learn and grow in the season I am in, I have grown quite annoyed by the season and want it changed (much like my roommate who is hating summer and is eagerly anticipating and longing for fall). I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship...hell, i feel like i have a lot to offer to the world. But still, for some reason, I just keep flowing along with me life, letting time pass me by. At times, hiding from life because it doesn't hurt as much when I hide. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I am just lonely without anyone to share myself with. There is someone who genuinely seems to understand many frustrations, but she is married and I have to be careful getting to close to her. I am sure there are others too, but right now I just feel lost with the whole thing. I just don't feel like i fit in anywhere. It's not that I feel like the world is passing me by and everyone is going on ahead without me. Instead I feel like I am charting waters that have not often been crossed and nobody will go with me. I feel like the odd (ugly) duckling who just doesn't have a place to swim (nor anyone to swim with).

lowered expectations

Ahh...this is too funny. This guy would so get a job in my field:) OK, so I need a new job where I will make more money. I am not vain nor am i all into money. However, I don't see how I will ever be able to save money (and eventually help supply for my family) when I get paid in peanuts. So does anyone know of any jobs out there?

How difficult it is to love others while being wronged by them! How difficult it is to be humble, to not fight for "what is rightfully yours" (after all, you don't deserve to be treated like this!), how difficult it is to not defend yourself, or talk behind someone's back. I have spent time alone with God asking if there is something that I need to repent of. Asking Him if I am in the wrong...and to the best of my knowledge, I don't think so. But that doesn't matter. The heart of Jesus intrigues me. I don't understand how He could live in this world and respond to people the way He did. Hm...

Lastly, I spoke before about the fact that we all have certain needs. I will go one step further and say that we all have many God-given needs. The need for peace, the need for physical and emotional and spiritual intimacy with someone of the opposite sex, and many other needs. OK. Needs that we have are not bad, after all, they are God-given. The needs are good, the problem is the manner in which we attend to getting those needs met. For example, the person who drowns their nights away in alcohol to "forget about this world" and to seek a form of peace (even if it is a state of ignorant bliss) have needs that they are trying to meet in a manner that will not ultimately satisfy their needs, but mask their craving for it. The need to be loved and feel loved is the reason many people have sex before marriage. A healthy need being met in an unhealthy way. I don't blame people for doing these things. I am not a sheltered individual. I am not delusional either (i don't think). Life is rough, and sometimes we take what we can get. Though there is a better way that will lead to wholeness, it's not always that easy to see. That's it for now. GOODNIGHT!

minor frustration...

Monday night--It strikes me funny how I get as many comments on my 4 sentence power outage blog, as when I wrote a huge story about being "undone." odd. Anyway, i have many feelings/emotions right now, none of which i will share. I, the writer of this entry, deem it best to not say anything at all, especially since I don't have anything good to say. I have a day off tomorrow and have tons of work i have to get done. I wish a day off could be a day off. I go to my job and I work. I come home on a day off, and I work. I may need some fun and excitement in my life.

Tuesday night--I am so tired of hearing that atrocities, bad things that happen to good people, and other terrible "unfair" things that happen in this world are the reasons some people have (religion) faith in a God and why other's do not. First off, I'll clear up a misconception about Christians. The reason that Christians believe in God, specifically Jesus, is not because we need a crutch for comfort during difficult times. We believe in Him because He is true and He is real. Christianity makes a truth claim and that is it. Love it or leave it. Second, I cannot express in words how much it irks me that people do not believe in God because of atrocities (ie. tsunami). I am not mad at people who cannot believe in God because of this. Hey, if I thought, like many calvinists, that God was behind every act, working it all out for an ultimate good, then I wouldn't want any part of God either. That is the normal Christian view nowadays, but I think it is a gross misrepresentation of God's character. God can redeem evil, but He is not the author or the cause of it. C.S. Lewis stated, "every square inch of the cosmos is claimed by Satan and counterclaimed by God." In case you can't tell, we are living in a battlefield, not just a nice little world preparing us for heaven. I won't go into my treatise on this right now, but suffice it to say that any non-christian who is having a hard time believing in a God who would take their dad away when they were five, or kill thousands of people in a tsunami, or give someone a terminal illness, then I have to say, I don't believe in that God either! I believe in the God that the Bible depicts through the person of Jesus. I will carry this thought deeper at another time. I just wanted to get out my frustration over a popular, yet incorrect view (in my opinion) of God.