Is love worth the risk?

So is love worth the risk? The virgin of love is quick to say yes!
For he hasn’t broken in that deep deep place,
Where he can’t be healed save the Lord’s grace.
To be poured out as a drink offering, and not bemoan
Putting another’s best interests in front of his own
To love another deeply, to the exclusion of oneself
Is the richest form of love in and of itself
So is love worth the risk? The wise must confess,
This sacrificial love is God in the flesh
Proof of Him in us and that our spirits mesh
Though the pain and the hurt be almost too much
His love makes it possible to love as such
Though there be no pain like unrequited love
I have a secret I pray you take hold of
Instead of trying to love for love
Experience the joy of loving out of love.

Born Again

Before we became Christians, and born again, we were controlled by the soul (our mind, will, and emotions). Now, if you are a Christian you can be (and should be) controlled by the Spirit. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit infuses our spirits with life. There is a quickening of our spirits when we are “born again.” Our spirits were not dead before this, they were simply…non-livingJ (hibernation?). It’s important to realize that there is a difference between our spirit and our soul and our flesh. These three aspects make up who we are. The soul, as noted above, is our mind, will and emotions. The flesh is our physical being. Our spirit is wisdom, conscience, (and probably much more that I do not yet understand). If we are born again, we have new life. The Holy Spirit comes and intermingles with our spirit. We are all adults here (maybe) so let me use this illustration. When a baby is conceived, the sperm enters into the egg, and they become one. That is how it is with us and the Holy Spirit. Our spirit is like the egg and the Holy Spirit is the sperm. When the “seed” enters into our “hearts”, we experience what the Bible refers to as “new life.” The actual Greek term for the “seed” which refers to the Holy Spirit in this context is the word “sperma.” I think it’s beautiful how life is made in both the physical and in the spiritual.

We still live our lives out of our souls because that’s what we are used to. But we don’t need to! We can live our lives being led and empowered by the Spirit living within us! Our flesh is not evil (unless you are a Gnostic), nor are our souls. We often say, “He must become more, and I must become less.” The actual quote is, “He must increase, I must decrease.” There is a slight difference, but I will save that for another time. The main point to remember is that our souls and our flesh are not evil and they are a part of what makes us who we were uniquely created to be. We can have our own desires, emotions and thoughts. It’s OK. Our souls are not bad, we just shouldn’t be controlled by them. The main problem is that we have things out of order. When things are out of order, then there is a problem. Think of it as “direction of flow.” The Spirit is to be the source, which flows into our souls and flows into our flesh so that the source for all of our strength, and everything we rely upon no longer is within our own natural power (soul, flesh). I heard it said that faith is spelled R-I-S-K. We can’t live lives of faith and of risk if we are always doing things that we can control in our own power.

When we live our lives under the power of our souls and our flesh, then we contaminate our spirit. In the Spirit is life, but we seldom draw on the life giving power of the Spirit. Instead we continue to be guided and directed by our own thoughts and desires. As such, we seek unhealthy ways to satisfy the cravings we possess. We have lived our lives CONTROLLED by our mind, will, emotions, and our desires. To surrender our lives to God, is not to stifle all our desires, nor is it to stamp out all our thoughts and emotions. It is to be free in who He uniquely created and called you to be AND living our lives CONTROLLED by the Spirit instead of our souls. We are not to become less (diminished), but we are to be clean vessels. By this I do not mean we are to be holy and never sin. Again, we get contaminated when we live our lives under the power of our souls and our flesh. Life drawn from the Spirit will infuse all areas of our life with light. The more we rely on and draw from the Spirit, the more He will shine through us! All that God created us to be, flesh, soul and spirit will all work together in harmony to glorify our Creator! How often do the sins of our souls and the sins of our flesh contaminate our vessels? It clouds us up, so that our new born spirit cannot shine forth the glory of God living within us! We sin because we seek unhealthy ways to satisfy our longings and our desires. We are unhealthy when we live under the power of our souls and flesh and not the Spirit.

[The Lord starves our soul to feed our spirit. Picture an onion. He is taking off the top layers (of sin, hurt, filth) to get to the core. Our soul (outer layers) are being peeled away so that our spirit shines through. This happens through times in the desert and struggles. It happens as we “wait on the Lord and trust Him.” Even while everything we consider our strengths runs dry.] --from this anonymous guy

I like the quote and agree with it wholeheartedly, except it makes the soul out to be bad. I think the thing is that we have come to trust in our souls, and as such, God is peeling those aspects of our souls away (the unhealthy parts) so that our spirit can shine forth without contamination.

I am learning, slowly but surely, how to live a life under the direction and influence of the Spirit. I will share what information I have here on my blog when it comes up. Pray that I may take part in this process and not allow myself to get distracted by meaningless things or by just being lazy!

my stuff and Tony Dungy

I have dedicated myself for the past couple of weeks to be positive. To rejoice with those who rejoice. To stop feeling sorry for me. I think I will continue that...for a while anyways:)

quick update on my job: I got a $25 simon gift card from work, a sweatshirt, some fudge, and a $1000 merit based bonus. Yes, a MERIT based bonus. They don't like to do merit based anything, so that's very satisfying. Oh...and another 3% retroactive raise (from July). Remind me again why I'm leaving the job:)

WOW. So I just got done reading an article on ESPN.com about the tragic death (apparent suicide) of Tony Dungy's 18 year old son. A couple of thoughts came to my mind. First, it reminded me some times in my own life when I just wished my life would end, and then I wouldn't have to deal with all the hurt. And one of the first thoughts that always came to my mind was how my parents would react. I would just keep picturing them just beside themselves with grief. A parent should never have to bury a child. It's not supossed to work that way! The writer on ESPN, who has seen his parents bury two of his brothers, stated, "For the first few days, a parent doesn't go from hour to hour, but rather lives from one breath to the next, because the pain is so psychologically debilitating." I was also touched by another quote by this writer: "Strong people of faith are not defined by what they do for a living but, rather, how they live what they do. Tony Dungy is one of those people." May our prayers truly be with the Dungy family and friends!

Humbled

Here's another one that I wrote a while ago, but haven't posted for some reason. Tonight i was thinking about it again, so i figured i'd post it tonight.

I found myself humbled…again (that seems to be happening a lot lately). Yesterday I was thinking of how God chooses to reveal His glory through US! That amazes me. Anyway, today I was thinking of how I am not very good at loving people that disagree with me about certain theological points of view. Primarily, those who don’t believe that any of the gifts of the spirit are for today, and those who don’t believe in free will. The irony is that I handle differences with people who are not Christians just fine. But to those who are members of the body of Christ, I seem to lack fellowship with them and lack some love towards them. I prayed about it and asked God to transform my way of thinking and whatever was wrong in my heart. I realized that the most important thing is for people to come to know Jesus and for them to be loved. As the church, we should come together and love one another well. Then go out and love the world well. I know that’s probably basic Christianity, so you know all of that already, but I guess it’s just sin confessing time for me or something.

I was watching 3 wishes on tv the other night and it got me thinking (it doesn’t take much). I really believe God wants to heal people. Heal them of what? Of everything. Blindness, cancer, physical deformities, emotional healing, etc. However, I have spent so much time studying about that and thinking about it, I have forgotten something of equal importance, if not more so. I thought of how essential it is to enhance the quality of people’s lives, even in the midst of their struggles (whatever those struggles are). The show moves me to take time and think about ways that I can love people, especially those who are downtrodden (do we still use that word in our language today?), and put smiles on people’s faces and just help them enjoy their lives in times that it may be difficult.

Rejection (3) the last one

i have put off posting this for quite some time now ( perhaps a month?) just because i don't have a desire to write about it anymore. Yet, i want to get this out of my draft folder, so here it is.

Girls: I have been rejected by girls TONS! Part of the reason is that I act differently around girls. I am self-conscious a lot. I am a cool guy until I talk to a girl I like and then I turn into a bumbling idiot. When those special few get to know me, I am not so self-conscious. Then they really start to get to know the real Matt. When this happens, bonds form and then I make a move, if I end up liking the girl, and then I get rejected. 1) So girls don’t like who I initially portray myself to be (I am simply not good at “playing the game” or being suave around girls). That’d be fine, but they also 2) don’t like who I really am upon getting to know me either. I open myself up and have been shut down time after time after time. At work earlier this week, one of the clients told his case manager that he wants a girlfriend but can’t get out. The case manager replied, “if you want a girlfriend, and don’t have one, you have to look at yourself, find out what’s wrong and why you don’t have one.” Is it possible that I'm not the reason I don't have a girlfriend? Perhaps it's just not the right time...(Ironically, not be honest, I don't want one right now anyway...I have some stuff i want to work out in my own life...so what the heck am i complaining about?!)

I always heard of those who have been hurt so often by love that they come to a point in their life where they are no longer able to freely give their love. It becomes difficult for them to love for fear that they will once again be left with a broken heart. I often wondered what is wrong with these people? I often wondered how can someone give up on experiencing mutual love? "The greatest thing in all the world is just to love and to be loved in return." I realized today that I had become like those people without even knowing it. Not that I am quick to run from love when it stares me in the face, and not that I am scared of the possibility of love. Yet, during those times when love is unsure and all the possibilities abound, it is then when I find myself in a catatonic state. Why? i no longer possess the wonder of what "could be" and instead I am left paralyzed by what "may not be." This is true in relationships with girls, friendships with guys and pursuing all that God may have for me in my life (His calling for example). Perhaps there's a fear of rejection and a fear of failure. I don't know. And to be honest, next time my heart is captured by another fair young maiden, I am sure I will once again risk all in the hopes of being her prince. It scares me and I may get hurt, but the possible prize which lay ahead is too precious to turn a blind eye to (did i just end a sentence in a preposition?)

epilogue to extreme christianity + Rejection (part 2)

OK, for the first time, i will not write about what is pressing and on my heart right now. It's kind of too frustrating and too much...I don't know. I'm sure you'll all get to read it soon though. aye.

I got one comment from someone on my extreme christianity blog. I am more than glad that I did not get many responses. There are very few men and women who are experiencing the kind of Spirit filled life that I was talking about in my blog, but I am convinced that God would like us all there. Unfortunately, there are also very few men and women who even understand what I was getting at in my blog. I was inquiring how we can get the power and love of God to flow through our lives in a much more profound manner. We're all in a process that God is working within us, but there's much more than we realize. We take comfort in the fact that wherever we are at spiritually is where God wants us. Hogwash! God wants us more consumed by Him so that we can be more blessed ourselves and bless others even more. Many may assume I am an ignorant 25 year old who doesn't get it. I pray many more will understand my heart and the heart of God. We too often just sit back and accept everything that happens as the perfect will of God for our lives, so we never battle against the things contrary to the will of God. That's not peace you experience, that's resignation! That's counterfeit peace. We're off picking daisies in the field while a battle wages on behind us. We don't get it. (I feel a few future blogs coming on). Praise God that I am dissatisfied with the status quo of religion.
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Family: I came home mostly to spend some time with my parents before starting the next stage of my life. You know, spend some quality time with them. But I find myself annoying them to no end. Sure, I put a smile on their faces, but many times they want me to “leave them alone.” I understand their frustration. For example, today I ran around the house saying, “I’m the hug monster!” and requiring hugs from my mom and my dad. I know when you are five this may be cute or perhaps even the first or second time I do it now at age 25 (I’m an awful cute 25 year old), but after a while it gets old. I could act differently and I almost need to. I guess I am having a hard time being myself, while still trying to change certain things about me that annoy people. I do like who I am, but there are certain things that I recognize need to change. I guess I am just not sure how to change without going to extremes. One of the things that I don’t like about myself is that sometimes I seek attention. I guess it depends on my mood. Another thing i have to change is how i approach and interact with girls...but that's another blog for another time. Anyway, I'm a very playful individual and that is true when I am with my friends or with my parents, it doesn't matter. I guess I just have to learn how to temper that a little.

5 is a lovely number

Carrying on my discussion about worth. I talked about my friends, which i will mention again later on in this blog, but right now I will talk about my job. There are some things that make me feel rejected and there are other things that make me feel wanted and needed. I got my evaluation back from my boss. Unfortunately, the field I work in is run by a bunch of pansies so you can't get merit based raises. Anyway, my evaluation is based on fifty question with answers ranging from 1-5, 5 being the best. I got so many 4's and 5's that the agency supervisor questioned my boss about it saying that it must be too high. However, my boss assured the supervisor (who doesn't know me very well) that the scores are accurate. Then my boss went on to offer me a position as an assistant manager for another one of the houses. Though he couldn't make any promises, the fact that I would be considered for that position is almost heresy with my agency. They have a hard and fast rule that you need to be in the field for 4 years to take that position, no exceptions. I have had two years. The way our agency is run, i understand why the 4 year rule is in effect. There's tons of stuff to know! My point in all of this is that the managers and my co-workers all know I will have to leave soon, due to living so far away (over an hour). They have all, in their different ways, expressed that they will be at a great loss when I leave. That part has been nice.

So, this is a follow up thought on my previous comments on my friends. Anyway…I also saw a couple of old friends from Youthstorm. Youthstorm is a youth group ministry that I was involved with a few years back. I ran up to one of the kids Josiah and gave him a kiss and just hugged him for a good minute. Man, it’s great to see old friends! It kind of reminds me of a friend I saw at Uno’s a few months ago. He is one of those guys that is great at making you feel like you’re special. I played tennis in college and he was on the tennis team with me. Most of my school had no idea where the tennis courts were and many of my friends hardly knew that I won the Conference Championship for number 1 singles! But I can guarantee you all of Baby G’s friends knew. He would introduce me to his friends and say, “I played tennis with this guy, he is…” He’d then go off just making me sound like a much better guy than I am. The thing about him is that he’s genuine too. Just this past weekend I saw Jake Funnell. He was another guy from my tennis team that was a splendid fellow. He introduced me to a few of his friends and just went off on how amazing I was and how I walked with God in great character. He obviously doesn’t know me as well as he thinks, but my point is that it was nice to have such nice words spoken. And it was great to see him and give him a big hug. It’s weird…I complain I don’t have friends, yet I know I do. I have friends. I fellowship with some of them on Sunday’s at church. However, my problem is the lack of fellowship that I have during the week. Either way, I’m still thankful for these people from all over that I still have friendships with. I think the thing that is puzzling isn't that I don't have any close friends. I have a decent amount, but those friends that are the ones I can count on and know that they are there for me don't live nearby. They live all over the United States...even into Asia actually:) I like that in some ways, but i think that's what makes it tough during the week, as I mentioned above.

How to get from here to there--Extreme Christianity

I've been struggling with something for a while now. We ask God for more of Him, but when we "accept Him" to come into our lives, we, at that point have all of Him we will ever need. We are filled with the Holy Ghost, joint heirs with Christ, etc. I realized that we don't need more of Him, but I was having difficulties figuring out HOW to "go after" God and what that even means. I wasn't understanding, and am still not completely sure, what it was I was missing and how I can get it. I wasn't missing more of the Holy Spirit or more of Him, but I was/am missing something in my relationship with Him and my submission to the reign of the Holy Spirit in my life. So, what does all of this mean?

Introduction:
I have been walking with God for almost 10 years now and I have gone through the early years of zeal. I have wrestled with God and developed a bone deep relationship with Him. This has caused my walk to be wholly genuine. I am grateful, but now I long to get back to the place of zealous passion. To have wrestled with God, experience the frustrations and disappointments of this world and to come back and walk in full devotion and consecration to the Lord. I am called into ministry, though of what kind, I am unsure. Perhaps at this point, my knowing is insignificant. Yet, I know I need change. Lately, I have found myself blaming my circumstances for too much. Experiencing the hurt and loneliness that goes along with desiring to have a wife, to be left single for years, questioning if God really knows what He’s doing. I have not had a mentor or any form of accountability in years. I have sought it out, but to no avail. It is mighty tough to “fight the good fight” when you do not have comrades walking by your side encouraging you along the way, in the daily battles of life. Difficulties? Sure. But no longer do I have the luxury of such excuses. My spirit will no longer allow it. My walk with God is present and real, but not extreme and revived. I'm stopping short in my obedience and in my devotion and in my love. I confess this and ask for advice.

I’ve heard too many empty prophecies, and too many clichés. Seen to many dead and irrelevant churches. I read Scripture and my heart is stirred and shaken up by the words I read. Then I pick my head up and look at myself in the mirror. I look at our theoretical approaches that sound nice, but fail when the rubber meets the road. Something doesn’t sit right in me.

Questions:
What characterizes a Spirit filled and Spirit led life? Fruit, power, holiness, gifts, being others centered.

How do I practically walk in love and power? How do I get to “that place” in my walk where His presence and glory oozes from this temple? Also…How do I live a Spirit led life? I think these three questions all have the same answer.

This is what I have so far…First, we experience His Presence by spending time with Him. We talk to Him, fix our gaze towards Him and find ourselves constantly attentive to His will. [Again, if we are Spirit led, then this will be more natural than it will be an act of our will. So why isn’t it? I find that I too often live my life out of my will, mind, and emotions. I am led by my soul more than I am being led by my spirit…my spirit which is commingled with the Holy Ghost. Something tells me that there is untapped power there!:)]

We read Scripture, fellowship with the Spirit, worship Him, obey His voice, etc. We pursue Him and His calling further by persistently and boldly crying out to Him. We experience spiritual discontentment and dissatisfaction for anything less than what He wants for us. We study, walk in our giftings and continue to obey as we daily fix our eyes on Jesus.

I want the church to be so saturated by His presence that it flows out onto others. I want us so consumed by Him, that His glory permeates through us and His radiance is manifested through us. It’s God will too. As humbling as it is, that’s how He chose to reveal Himself in this age.

I am not trying to make a formula out of this, but these seem to be active ingredients in a Spirit empowered life manifesting God’s presence, right? What am I missing? The crux of what I am trying to say is all rooted in relationship. An “abiding in the Vine” if you will. We are transformed when we behold Him daily. Again, is there something else?

1 2 3 4 5 Everybody in the car, so come on let's ride

1) Name that song!
2) I go to EVERYTHING alone. Movies, church, the mall, out to eat, etc. It's tiring.
3) I sleep 10 hours every day. Why?
4) Nice to talk to non Christians sometimes because they are more genuine...or at least appear that way. It seems that Christians put on a front more. Sometimes non-Christians seem to have more life to them. Why is that?
5) I just watched Full House and almost started crying while watching it at work. Uncle Jessie had just found out he was going to have twins. It just kept making me think of how much I want to be a husband and a father. I can’t wait to start my own family. It made me think of how sick I am of having to apologize for feeling that way too.

personal God stuff (part 1)

OK, this is my problem. I have a deep stirring in my heart to go wholly after the things of God, however, I am experiencing a tendency to just escape. Especially during this Christmas season when it gets hard. Pray that I don't. I know that I have been partly blaming my lack of obedience to the calling of God on my life and to His ways on not having guys to "fight the fight with me" or to "hold me accountable." But when I went to a worship service last night, something shook me inside and I realized i can't keep making excuses. The song was called You and Me Alone. These are the lyrics:

Take all I am, and all I have gained
Lay me bare to the bone
Shake the foundations and see what remains
It's just You and me, alone
'Til it's just You and me alone

So tear down the borders that I have built
Crush the walls, stone by stone
Destroy my resistance, that I hold so strong
'Til it's just You and me, alone
You and me alone

(Lay me down)Let this place be an altar
(Lay me down)Let this death be complete
(Lay me down)Let this song be a marker-stone
That others can easily see

(Lay me down)Like a drink that is poured out
(Lay me down)Like a seed that must die
(Lay me down)So I can rise in the morning
While the graveclothes fall down at my feet
It's just You and me alone

The song made me think of all the things in my life that I have come to rely on and depend on for my fulfillment before God. So this song is my new prayer...though it can only mean more wrestling with God, I hope that I can allow this process to take place. Perhaps I should add a new middle name to my name. If so, it would be Jacob, because of what the name means. If you don't know, look it up:)

I will stop this blog here and split this into 2 blogs. Until next time...

folk music and rejection (part 1)

I went to a folk music open mic Thursday night to see a friend from college play (Dan). I thought he has gotten much better! His voice has matured and his guitar playing is very solid now. I enjoyed listening to him play a lot! While listening to Dan play, I finally understood the perspective, “there shouldn’t be Christian music, just Christians playing music.” Now, I have been tremendously blessed by “Christian” music and I think it is very edifying to other Christians. It struck me how easy it is to be a Christian and play music for other Christians. How difficult it is to be a Christian and be a redeeming influence on the culture and on music by playing “in the world.” As I was listening to the lyrics of Dan’s songs, I couldn’t help but realize how good he is as a songwriter. His songs were deep and meaningful and redeeming. He has found a way to glorify God through his play, his words and his actions up on the stage. All the while, being subtle enough that when people come and listen to him, they’re not offended by his lyrics.

Rejection
Guys: Another thing I realized that night was how I miss “the guys.” I wish I would have been included more by them my freshman year of college so that I could develop deeper friendships with them. As they matured, they got nicerJ Especially Dan. I was always the odd one out. When I got invited places it was often out of pity. And no, I didn’t have some poor view of myself that made me delusional into thinking that way. That was not always the case, but it often was. I was a little sheltered coming into college, so I can understand a little of why I would have been a tad bit more annoying to be around. My point in this is not to bash them, but to point out my desire to have guy friends. None of them are or were bad guys. Anyway, when the next year came by, I made new friends. I do not wish to replace the friends I have made as a result of this decision at all, but the friendships I got that year resulted in like 8 female friendships, and one guy friendship. I am close to most of those friends still now. However, almost all of them live away from me and/or are married. I don’t have a best friend. It makes me lonely. I wish I would have the opportunity to spend time with guys and be included in a “band of brothers” in a sense. One of my favorite memories in college was when they “let me” come with them to the Saco river in Maine for a kayak/canoe trip. We went up and down the river staying overnight at the sand inlets on the river. There was something special in that. Something I miss and long after. And something that I fear I will never get it.

calm before the storm

Favorite television shows: Fraggle Rock, Alf, Carnivale, House...and many more that I can't think of, so...remind me what I am missing!
Favorite Romance movie: The Notebook
Favorite Epic(?) movie: Braveheart, followed by Patriot both with Mel Gibson
Favorite(s) for comedy, drama, mystery/suspense/thriller, horror, action: I have yet to give my decree as to which is the best in each genre so I am willing to take requests and suggestions at this time (yes that means you have to leave a comment!)

Wow. I guess the real reason I am writing such a fluffy blog is that I had a night of intense introspection and wrote down a whole bunch of personal stuff. So, think of this blog as the calm before the storm. :)

worth and an exhortation

"You can measure your worth by how much you are missed when you leave." This is a quote from a friend of mine, which is likely misquoted a tad, but you get the point. I don't think this person was trying to convey the extreme of what the quote could mean. Instead the quote makes a brash statement to make a point. We obviously may have worth whether or not people realize it and whether or not we are missed at all. However, the element of truth in the statement is that when someone leaves a group of people, they leave a hole that is difficult, and often times impossible to fill. If you don't leave any mark behind you when you leave, the "worth" or relevancy ("worth" may be too strong of a word) of the person is to be questioned or at least (self) examined. Our worth as human beings goes over and above what someone's perceptions of us are thank goodness! But why do I bring this up? When I left my last church I didn't feel a great sense of worth as nobody missed me or seemed sad I was going. No cards, no calls, nobody seemed to care, even when i didn't show up for 8 straight weeks. When a good guy dies, there should be a hole, people should be sad. When a good guy leaves, there should be a hole, people should be sad. I'll be sorely missed by people, even on a personal level, at my work. I believe I was and am missed by friends at the college that I went to. But for some reason, there was no sense of sadness to see me leave my church. I asked many people for some help to house me on random days throughout the week as I stay in the north shore to work (though I live in Gardner) and those that had the most room in their houses, those that I thought I was the closest to, were the ones that offered no help. Micah Baker, Melinda Corey, and Karen Wood. These three people were willing to house me off and on, but not consistently. I am grateful for them, because it was DEMORALIZING not being able to find someone to house me. Tom Lovell, who perhaps had the least amount of room out of anyone is currently housing me every single night that i need a place to stay. He gave me a key to his place and wants me to feel at home. I am humbled by his generosity.

As I finish, I am reminded of how fragile I am, and many others as well. We may have many talents and gifts, but how much it helps for someone to believe in you and see value in you! Sometimes, that makes all the difference in the world. Sure we should all be sure of ourselves, and be firm in who we are in Christ, but it's not always that easy. So instead of talking down to others or focusing on weaknesses, let's all try to see the value in others and find ways to help people feel special and help them realize that they are special.

even more randomness

Thanksgiving...Sometimes I get sad when i think of what I have because I think of how I won't always have it. The sense of future loss makes me sad. It shouldn't. For even in that time of loss, I will have even more to be thankful for, even if it's just the pleasant memories of days past.

Shame on me for not mentioning my time at the Patriots game! That should have been included in my last blog. I must be slipping!:) It was kind of surreal...walking up to the stadium and just taking it all in. Suprisingly enough it was the stadium that had me more than seeing the players. Anyway, it was fun to be there for another game that came down to the wire.

Last night I had a dream about my first girlfriend, my dad and a velociraptor (you know, the cool dinosaurs in Jurassic Park). I escaped the velociraptor, but I can't say the same for my other two accomplices. I can give you the full dream if you want, but i'll just say, it was weird. It's one of those dreams that has you feeling embarassed half way through telling it because you realize it makes about as much sense as a bald monkey (see...i don't even know what the heck that was supossed to mean!).

Gosh, this is a weird blog. Perhaps I will continue on in that vein and just get it all out of my system now. Other meaningless quotes I often say include: What's your middle name in Hebrew? Did London go to Georgia or did Georgia go to London?

Now is the time for my daily rant: Today's rant is about presents during this holiday season. I saw that there was a "scuffle" at one of the malls on the news today. I wish we could all just buy our own presents and then there would be less problems. We all know what we want and we'd all be happy. Even more importantly though, we'd remember more of what Christmas is about. Now I know, the three wise men brought gifts to baby Jesus and there's nothing wrong with giving gifts. Yet, shouldn't the majority of our "effort" and time during the holiday season be about family, Jesus, love, being thankful, etc.? And yes, serving one another (perhaps through gifts), but by golly (yes I just said by golly) isn't there more than that?! Anyway, that isn't even my rant, this is: So many people are complaining about the term Christmas. We should say "Happy Holidays." Christmas is to much of a Christian holiday. We can't sing Christmas carols, and if some had it their way, we probably wouldn't be allowed to say grace before eating our meals. It strikes me funny (in a not funny whatsoever kind of way) that those who don't want to take part in "Christmas" carols or say "Merry Christmas" are many time the same ones out buying gifts for one another, celebrating (though not knowingly) when the wise men brought the gifts to baby Jesus.

Some meaningless banter

Evaluations and "Moving on": We are doing evaluations at my work again. I actually feel good about mine this year because I answered honestly, and though there are no monetary rewards for doing well on the evaluations, I still am excited to see what the managers have to say. I'm actually very good at my job, so in that way, I find it fulfilling. However, I feel like my time there is quickly nearing an end as it is time for me to move on to something else. I will probably never find another job that is as relaxed and where I have as much freedom and flexibility as I do in this job. I love parts of the job, but I can't stay there just because it's easy. "I have to choose between what's right and what's easy." I sense God leading me in another direction. Unfortunately, I am not sure what that is yet. I think I am ready to follow where He leads, but I still fear if I really will do what is called of me. I was wondering just the other day...what if God called me to be a missionary in a remote part of the world? Ashamedly, my first thought was, "I wonder if I could take a furlough every football season, and come back to America, watch all the games, and then go back to my missionary work." Hahaha. ahh, i amuse me:)

A quick frustration: (so many to choose from) about one of my coworkers. One of the overnight staff is pregnant again! She has no father that will stay around with the kids or pay child support, but she keeps getting pregnant. First of all, shame on those "men" who don't care at all about the women they sleep with or the child that they helped conceive...but I digress...She is not putting any thought into these kids or how she will support them. I know I know, "don't judge, you don't know what her story is." Yet, I just get frustrated with people who bleed the system dry by purposely being irresponsible. She says, "I am pregnant, and I want to have more kids too!" WHAT?! I guess it's easy to do that when myself and other people (the state) end up paying for your kids. I don't want to turn this into a political discussion, but my gosh, show some intelligence.

Quick note: Last week I stayed up until 2 in the morning watching Texas Hold em Poker. What in the world is wrong with me?

Fireworks at Work and Boston Sports

I'm at work doing yet another overnight because yet another staff person called in. How can someone who works three shifts a week call out 2 times every month?! I'm not ranting...honest! I'm more just amused by the kind of stuff that goes on around here. It's par for the course around these parts.

We had a discussion in our staff meeting yesterday about how we all have our own perceptions and opinions about life, religion, politics, etc. and how we shouldn't let that affect/influence our work with the clients. First of all, Jesus will affect and influence my work and if you don't like it, then fire me. But since you admire my work so much and you "can't imagine what the place without me" (yes, they said that), then I guess you'll have to deal with it:) Anyway, my boss said that it would be inappropriate to bring a Bible to work or talk about Jesus. I understand that it's safer to avoid the subject of religion. I understand also that in most work places that topic is not "allowed." However, politics and religion are both sensitive topics because they are topics people care deeply about. We further institutionalize clients when we don't allow these discussions to take place. I took a sense of pleasure in the fact that throughout the conversation with my boss, he was not able to respond to my comments and ended up contradicting himself numerous times. My finest moment was when I said, "If Christians were as intolerant of the world as the rest of the world is of Christians then we would have quite a dilemna wouldn't we?" ZING!

I got a flu shot yesterday? Do these things work?

Just so everyone knows, I'm going to a Patriots game this weekend with a good friend. As i was currently reading in Denise's blog (which can be found at): http://www.year23.blogspot.com/ (check out her new haircut!), she noted that she gets "attached" to sports. I could associate with that, yet, I think i take it too far. When the Pats are playing, especially in the playoffs, I go through periods of not being able to eat because I am so nervous. I know I shouldn't get this involved, but I DO enjoy it. Last week I was throwing a fit because the Patriots scored a TD towards the end of the game giving the dolphins too much time to score themselves. Right after we scored (yes, I refer to Boston teams as "we") my dad asked my mom what happened? thinking that something bad happened like the TD got called back on a holding penalty or something. NOPE. I'm just ridiculous and I overreacted. Since I'm on the subject of sports...I don't like watching sports with older guys sometimes. They think they know the players, the rules, the plays...AND THEY USUALLY DON'T. They don't know the rules well, nor do they understand the game. The fact that they don't know everything doesn't bother me. It's just that they give the fascade that they are experts! And they're not!...I am:) hehe.

In conclusion, I will share a story, slightly combining these two topics of work and sports. When the World Series was going on I asked one of my coworkers (who says she LOVES baseball and goes to games and all that) who was representing the National League in the World Series. She replied with the "Toronto Blue Jays." If you don't know why that's funny, then I won't explain it to you. But in case there is confusion, it IS funny!:)

Al Lone

All right, all right. It's been a while. At this point, I will probably have to get a new reader base as my old readers must have stopped checking by now. It's been quite a while. I was either too busy or lacked the incentive to write about anything. But, in the words of Tom Brady after winning his second SuperBowl, "I'm (we're) back." I actually have some stuff to update you all on and some other stuff to say, but for now, I'll write a little short story. I realize the grammar and structure is far from perfect as I am not a good story teller, but i was in the mood. So that's what you get:)

Al went to the mall to get some Christmas shopping done. Well...that was one of his errands he wanted to get done, but it wasn't the purpose for leaving the house on that beautiful day. It was one of those fall afternoons where the smell of the air and the warmth of the sun put a smile on every face that stepped outside the house. So, it was no suprise when Al walked to his car, he was greeted by his elderly next door neighbor, with a warm smile on her face and an ensuing conversation about the weather. "Hello Mr. Lone, what another gorgeous day the Lord has blessed us with no?" Her grandchildren interrupting half way through to show her some new insects that they had just caught from the yard. Al didn't have much to say as he always felt quite awkward around the elderly, and he wasn't crazy about creepy little insects. It's not that he didn't like them, but...he just doesn't like to be around them much. After all, he had "more important things" to do that day. He quickly checked his mailbox before getting into his car. Nothing. Al quickly jumped into his car and drove to the mall. His mind was racing with different ways he could bless people by finding those who are alone and somehow just find a way to love on them. Al realized that he couldn't necessarily bring joy to someone's life himself, but as Christian, he believed that the Holy Spirit living within him could do more than Al could do in his flesh. He started day dreaming of the different ways that the Holy Spirit would "ooze" out of him and touch people's lives just by walking by and making eye contact with people. Al wasn't a theologian, he barely finished high school, so he wasn't sure how much sense this even made. Yet, Al was a man of action, he wanted to "do" first and then find a way to make sense out of it later. As he arrived to the mall, he parked his car far away from the entrance. Al always thought that it didn't make much sense driving around for 3 minutes trying to find a close parking spot when he could just walk to the entrance in half the time. Upon entering the main entrance, he saw a group of boys smoking outside near the door. The kids varied in ages from 16 to 26, but they all seemed to have a sense of brotherhood about them despite their ages. Many of them were dressed in black shirts and sweatshirts. Al thought to himself that these kids seemed happy enough being in their group, so he will just "let them be" and walked in the side entrance instead. As Al walked through the food court, he couldn't help but get some food for himself. After all, it's been 30 minutes since his last meal and he could already feel himself in the mood for more food. As he sat down to eat, he looked around at the other tables in the food court. There were many couples, young and old, sitting down across from each other eating their afternoon meal. Some couples were seemingly engaged in some very interesting topics. Others just sat across the table eating their food in silence, while occasionally looking into each other's eyes, and giving a quick smile before going back to their food. Most of the couples across the food court seemed to be laughing and smiling more than they were eating their food. However, there was one couple that attracted much of Al's attention. The father was bouncing his two year old son on his lap and throwing him up in the air. The young boy screamed with excitement as if relishing in the fact that he knew his father was there to catch him every time. The father was glowing with pride for his son and it didn't seem like anything could take the smile off of the father's face. Al was overwhelmed with emotion, as this episode reminded him of his own desire to have his own family. Al walked away from his meal feeling very down and decided to just go home. He thought that he'd at least walk the long way around to his car. In his walk, he saw an elderly couple holding hands, walking slowly in front of him. At first, Al was enraged that these old people didn't seem to have enough consideration for the "rest of the world" that was trying to get by and get on with their lives. As he passed them, Al started to feel less awkward and saw a certain beauty in the old couple that he passed. Al wasn't sure what to make out of it, so he just walked quickly past them as if he had somewhere to go. By the time Al came back to his house, the sun had set and the cool evening air caused Al's breath to show whenever he exhaled. Al quickly ran inside and got ready for bed. While brushing his teeth, he thought of how he wasn't able to really brighten anyone's day and make them feel less lonely. Upon thinking of it further, Al realized he didn't see anyone who was alone and in need of companionship the whole day. Wiping his face off he looked in the mirror and stopped himself dead in his tracks. There before him stood the face he had been searching for all day. Before him stood the lonliest face he'd seen for quite some time. "How many people have i been fooling with this face?" The sad facts of the day came crashing into his mind. The empty mailbox, his forgotten birthday, the empty bed, the silent phone. Al thought of all the people he saw that day and it made him feel sick to think that he had nobody to share his day with. When Al gathered himself, he was too emotionally drained and tired to watch tv, so he lay down in bed, shutting the lights off and...the silence was too much. Al turned the tv on and drifted off to sleep.

rambling

And IIIII'm spent! I pity the fool who didn't see the Agassi-Blake match last night. Was it THE greatest match of all time? No. It was definitely ONE of the most enjoyable matches I have ever seen. I'd say more, but I'm speechless.

Baseball season is slowly winding to and end with playoffs quickly approaching. On top of that, football is starting up! First game is tonight! When so much else in life is frustrating, it's great to be able to retreat to meaningless activities like watching sports. What is it about sports that makes me feel euphoric at times? Chances are, there's something wrong with me, but I'm ok with that for now.

OK. This is where I am at now. I don't need to figure out where I will be going when i move out of my parents house (i haven't even got there yet), but there is a lot of thinking that I have to do. Trying to figure out what stirs my heart, what I really feel alive doing. What do I want to do? What kinds of things am I really good at? Do I have certain gifts/abilities? What are they? When I figure that out, I will at least have some direction into where to go. Whether I go to Colorado, South Carolina, Maine, or wherever to live and start life. Perhaps I will go to seminary and do that. Maybe I will want to just go somewhere to serve. Just spend some time completely focused on other people, getting my eyes completely off of me for a while and spend my time on behalf of others. Maybe that will be a mission field maybe some christian organization, i don't know. obviously, i don't know. I have some time though. Good thing my parents are letting me stay and give me some time to think things through. It'll be nice to be able to save up some money.

a not so quick update

“Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.” This quote was on a friend of a friend's website and I wanted to steal it because it made me laugh.

OK. This very well may be the least interesting post in the world, but i wanted to update all of you (and remind me) what's on my plate as of late (that's right, I'm such a good rapper...you know it!).

I went to a wedding this weekend and I was an usher. The wedding was in South Carolina and for my best friend in high school. He was really glad that I made it, and so was I. My dad and I went down and I actually had a good time. The rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception...I actually enjoyed myself! Go figure. I'm glad my dad was able to go down there with me, it made the trip much more enjoyable. Scott, the groom, is one of the those guys who hasn't changed much, but that isn't a bad thing. He's got a great heart and you know he'd do anything for you. So it was easy to not feel sorry for myself and to just be happy for him during most of the time i was down there. Scott even came over and sat next to me during the reception and asked, "so...how are you doing?" in a way that let me know he understood that this wasn't easy for me. I didn't want to spoil his big day so i changed the subject, but the fact that he came over and asked that question when he had so much other stuff going on meant a lot. In the wedding pamphlet, he compared ourselves to David (me) and Jonathon (Scott) due to our close friendship. At the reception, I actually danced a little. And I danced one slow song with this southern bell who asked me to dance. I was stuffing my face with ice cream at the time so it took me a few seconds to respond. For the record, I really like southern girls. Their accents are addictive and they are so polite. I think they'd be able to draw me out of my shell so much more than most girls from New England just because of their extra courteous personality (not everyone obviously, and I know some of it is all just fake, but anyway...). I like 'em. The southern guys are cooler than guys from New England as well. The ones that I met were nice guys, who didn't give off any sense of being better than anyone else. They were just funny, humble guys who were quite enjoyable to be around. Apparently, my parents went to brooks pharmacy to develop the film and they somehow jammed the film. Losers. 2 other quick things: 1) directions...mapquest sucks! We got lost three times and none of those times were fully our fault. Granted, my dad didn't neccesarily serve as the greatest navigator in the passenger seat (hey dad where are we turning next? huh, i don't know! dad, you have the directions...). Anyway, we were told to take turns on roads that didn't exist and not told to take turns onto roads that we needed to travel on. It was a mess. But we found everything on time...kind of. 2) The guys pulled a good joke that fooled everyone. They pulled it off very well! When the pastor asked for the ring, the best man looked for it and couldn't find it, he looked horrified. Then the that went on down the line until the last guy looked in his pockets and was shocked to find the ring there. Everyone got a good laugh out of it. Overall, the wedding was good, but at times it just tore me apart.

Parts of the wedding made me long to be with "that special someone" so much. Luckily, I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and many things that I am trying to concentrate on and pursue. Yet still, the strain on my heart to be with someone is growing stronger. I don't even think about it, the feelings will randomly just come upon me out of nowhere. I'm trying so hard to "fight the good fight," but right now I am in survival mode and not always living or pursuing the best for my life. Instead of waiting for "God's best, i let my heart settle for counterfeits because most of the time i am just trying to make it through the day. I want to find guys to fight the fight with. I want to live for a cause greater than myself and pursue God’s calling for me. I want to spend more time in intimacy with God, receiving His strength and grace and just being in His presence like I never have before. I don’t think I am supposed to be trying to go through all these hard times alone. So all that to say that there’s things I am trying to get in place besides just having a girl. Yet, it still hurts a lot right now! So, I spend time crying out to God for more of His grace and strength so that in relying upon Him, He may be an everpresent help, even more now that I feel so alone. I’ve prayed that if there’ something stopping me from meeting the girl He has for me than for Him to reveal it to me and help me change. He told me one thing and now I fear I won’t be able to change.

I want to/need to move away (like out of state to North Carolina, Colorado, or Maine or wherever), but I just fear moving away and feeling even more alone than now. Yet, I'm alone now anyway. In eventually moving away I may just start to get out of the rut i currently find myself in now. For now, I plan on moving to my parent's house to save some more money and spent some time with them before moving again. I will keep my job here in Danvers and commute (1.5 hrs each way). I am hoping that I will be able to work something out at my job with my scheduling so that I don't have to commute so many days. I will also be asking some people in the northshore if they wouldn't mind giving me a floor to sleep on once every other week or so. That would help me not have to commute all the time as well.

Lions, cheetahs and bare(s) oh my!

Except for a rare exception, I haven't been able to write much since I promised that I wouldn't complain or vent...hm...interesting:) Just kidding. OK, this is what I've been up to. Yesterday I played golf. I shot a 58 on a par 35 golf course (9 holes obviously). That's 23 over par...and I'm happy about it. I realize that's pathetic and sad, but i don't care:) I will not talk about going to the gym in my effort to gain weight and I will not talk about my future moving plans. Both of those are frustrating right now and I am keeping this blog happy:) see my smile?

I saw the "movie"/documentary March of the Penguins. I did enjoy it, as I thought the penguins, especially the babies were absolutely adoreable...but seeing some of the penguins turn into popsicles in the freezing cold weather made me pretty bummed. I'm always amazed at how different animals mate, get food, nurture their young, and live their lives in general. Sometimes it's fascinating just observing the manner in which they do things. It's not that I'm impressed so much by the intellect of the animals, but just by their natural, God given sense of how to live...to survive. I've recently learned that cheetas, due to their fast metabolism, only have 3 good sprints in them to catch food. If they don't get the catch by the third try, they die. Sometimes I feel like a cheetah! Lions are a bit luckier. They have five days. The first time they go out to catch some food, they sneak up on their prey and they sprint out way to early giving all the other animals a huge headstart. The second time the lion goes out he gets a little smarter. He sneaks up on them, but when he starts chasing after them, he gets tunnel vision and will only go after the one animal he is locked in on and will end up ignoring all the other ones flying by his face. By the third try, the lion's vision expands and he catches his prey. Point is, how amazing for these animals to have this sense where they can develop these skills and learn so quickly. Granted, their survival is dependant upon it, but still, I'd love to learn things that quick.

Lastly, there are a few cultures in South America that, quite understandably, have a different sort of dress code than we do. We here in North America will cover up certain parts of our bodies so that we are not seen as being naked. No more detail is neccesary. Now, in those remote places in South America, they will wear a cord around their waist. Yes, just a cord. When asked why they wear the cord, they respond by saying, "What, and be naked?!"