I FEEL GOOD danananananana

SWEET! Cable internet is back up and running...sort of. I just have to buy a new router, but i finally know the problem (I am so ashamed of myself for not figuring it out earlier). Anyway, not much happened while away. I went for a walk in lynn woods with a friend, went to a barbeque, met new people, and I missed church this morning because I slept in (i actually got 13 hours of sleep!). I need help, i really do! I don't have too much to say, as I am in a state of euphoria over the internet situation. Hm...I did realize something. I am often attracted to the type of girls that don't like me (and yes, there are girls that DO like me, so there!). So, people will say, "Matt, you're just attracted to the wrong type of girl." OK. What does that mean? The girls I am attracted to are not necessarily out of my league hot. They are not jerks either. They are nice, seemingly caring people. How does one change what he or she is attracted to? I am sure in the near future i will write a whole long blog about all that, but for now, I'd prefer not to:) Since this was a completey useless blog, I will have to end with a thoughtful quote. Ahem...

"Be the change you want to see in the world." --Ghandi

More on that tomorrow.

stupid power outage

I'll make this quick as I am at work. I have been having some issues with the internet at my apartment due to the power outage...really crazy stuff actually...anyway, I'll be on a brief hiatus until the issue is resolved. Hopefully that will be tonight, but I am not that hopeful.

Joy comes in the morning? I hope!

I'm having one of those days where I am really really down and I am not quite sure why. One reason could be the desire to find a different job, but there are a lot of emotions present in that decision that makes it difficult to pinpoint what's happening. Also, and probably more pertinent to my feeling down, I found something I really like in someone, and that is making me feel a lot more lonely. I became attracted to someone's intellect, spirituality, and genuine adventurous spirit seeking after truth. It's not like I am in love with the person, but she has something that is attractive to me. As such, it makes me long for those qualities in my future wife...and it gives me a longing to be with my future wife:)

Has anyone ever fallen in love with a certain part of a person (and I use the phrase "fall in love" loosely)? Like, you can admire and respect and become attracted to certain parts of who they are. Especially when you piece a few great qualities together, there is a natural attraction to that person. That attraction is not wrong, even if the attraction is to someone who is dating someone else or married. Come to think of it, it's natural to find God's creation beautiful. Another theory that I heard is that when someone is married, they are more appealing. The reason for this is that when people feel unconditionally loved by someone (spouse), they feel secure and more confident. That is an attractive quality. It's also easy to have your heart in a place of emotional intimacy with a person who is "taken" because both parties are free to be completely themselves. There is no time to try to impress the other person and there is a ready-made boundary (someone is in a relationship). So, in two friends being brutally real and honest, there is an uncanny sense of connecting. Jesus was tempted in all ways, yet was without sin. That's the key. Being friends is ok. Admiring and being attracted to certain qualities is ok. Being tempted is ok, for that is not the sin, but the lusting after a relationship that is inappropriate, the longing for more intimacy, a kind that should only be shared between the person and their spouse is quite wrong. It's difficult, because there are many marriages that go wrong and one mate leaves their spouse for someone else. When this happens, it is quite often that the one who is not married didn't know where to draw the line between healthy friendships and coveting your neighbors spouse. Falling for someone, having your heart go in an area that it shouldn't, being too close to the person in a way that may come between them and their spouse...these are warning signs to watch out for. Wow...I was going in one direction talking about me and then I just headed in completey different direction with this whole marriage thing. I'm not sure why I am writing about all this. Anyway, please just know that it comes from many different things I have experienced in the past and am observing in the present. I guess that's it. Night all!

2nd try...

I wrote a looong blog, but can't put it on the internet yet. So, you get this hand-me-down for today:)

I need a job where I make more money. I say it all the time, one of these days I will find something. I just don't know where to start looking or what's out there...but i gotta start...

I was at the gym last night and noticed an attractive girl walk towards this guy that she was apparently dating. She seemed sweet and asked him some questions about how she is supossed to do a certain kind of workout. He gave her an attitude, and acted as if she was bothering him. It reminded me how ladies are attracted to jerky guys. Debate it if you must, but it is generally true. It's a mystery of life.

There is a new church coming to Danvers that I will be checking out. One reason that John Paul Jackson felt called to have a Streams Ministries Bridge Church in the area is because he said God called him to do something that isn't being done in this area. One big focus of the church is to identify and use our God-given gifts. Many Christians don't have a clue what their gifts are and how to use them to serve one another, but one of their goals is to help people identify and develop those giftings. "Everyone will be involved" he said. "Some of you may not like that." I think they are looking to be heavily involved in prayer and prophetically hearing from God, but will spend just as much time just getting to know one another in fellowship and in finding ways to serve. I think the youth group in Framingham goes to the mall every friday to pray with people that they meet there and have had some great responses to that. The church wants to have a way to help single mothers by providing "handy men" of the church to help them out with fix-it issues. The point is that the church wants to find ways for everyone to be taken care of and for everyone to be able to use their talents. It is both very spiritual and very practical. That's the heart of it anyway. I just hope it is real. i've been to too many church where the church is either dead or they are putting on a performance. I pray this will be different. The Framingham church is having a Saturday night passion worship service this Saturday. All are welcome!:)

paperwork, calories and...I AM UNDONE!

I know my old co-worker is no longer working, so you'd think I would have nothing left to complain about...HAHA! Think again. I have to put all my work on hold, and give the assistant manager my assistance by editing and finding the mistakes in her paperwork. It takes almost my entire shift to finish one client's file...aye. Anyway, there's bigger things in life, so what does it really matter?

I never realized how easy it is to eat a lot of calories when you go to fast food places. I knew the food there wasn't good for you, but...I'm speechless! At Wendy's I got a plain spicy chicken fillet, caesar side salad and a medium french fry and it was 1220 calories! That's some people's entire caloric intake for their whole day!

There is something a little more personal that I want to share, but I must preface it with this: I like me. I'm a good guy and proud of who I am. Those comments do not in any way conflict with the following:) There have been about four times in the past 2 weeks where my soul has just screamed out, "I am undone!" See, there are times in our lives where this happens...times where we experience the reality of our sins, the wrongs we committed and a renewed understanding of what wicked things lie in our hearts. Usually we realize this wickedness when it comes out in something we say, do or even think. However, it is not always apparent to others...and that is dangerous because then we lack the accountability or maybe even the drive to change it. This is why it is so important for us to be changed by the Holy Spirit and not just by trying to change into who we want to be by our own will power. Hear me out, both are important. As much good as we can do by changing into the person we want to be, we cannot get into the depths of our hearts and transform our soul. It's not even our job. That comes by fellowship with the Holy Spirit and constantly beholding the face of God. A lot of times we have to fight through a lot of crap in our lives to get to the point where we can do that, but it's worth it. So as I cling on to and strengthen my relationship with God. I put my hands to the till in order to repent well and to do what I can to pursue holiness. One final thought: It strikes me funny (in the not funny kind of way) how Christians can see this whole process that I have described as something to be ashamed of and embarassed by. There is a feeling of "there's something wrong with Matt." In my limited experience on this earth, I have found that one of the most godly acts a man or woman of faith can do is to repent. the irony is that to be godly (repent) you must first be ungodly (reason to repent). "Luckily" we're all in the same boat on that one, and it's up to us to decide if we will grow through the process or avoid the process. It's humbling, painful, yet rejuvenating. I'm not sure if I will be able to do it or not. I hope I do.

part 2, All I need

So, is God all that that I need? There's approximately 1,000,702,044 songs with the words, "You're all I need" (or some variation of those words) in it. Let me make you aware that He's not all I need. I understand some of you may begin screaming, "heresy, heresy" (ie. Viking girl--sorry, inside joke) right now. Some may begin frothing at the mouth with this apparent abomination. I realize some of you may think I am being too picky here, but I'm not, so get over it:) Hear me out. I actually used to feel guilty by other Christians for not feeling satisfied by just knowing God. I thought, "what is wrong with me? I know God, yet I am not fulfilled. I know God, but I feel like all my needs aren't presently being met. " Luckily, through God's grace, I have gotten past that line of thinking and feel at peace when I say that God is not all that I need. God created us all with hard-wired needs, some unique and some general. We all need water and food. And since neither water nor food is God, then I need something other than God. God created us to have a vertical relationship (with Him), but also to have horizontal relationships (with one another). We aren't meant to go through life in isolation. That is a God-given need we all have. A need that I have is to have a wife. It's true that a wife is what I want, but I call it a need because I believe that is something that God hard-wired in me. So now, I can be content in my season of singleness, but I will not except singleness as the final say in the matter. If I believe God created me to be married, then why would I settle for anything less? I wouldn't be fulfilled with anything less. The beauty of it all is that God can and will meet our needs, whether they be great or small, as we continue to pray and seek His face. The difficulty that I find is having faith when I can't see how it's possible (yeah, i know, that's what faith is). Things don't always happen the way that we or God want them to (that's another blog don't worry). But if we continue to pray, in faith, that His will be done in our lives, then God will come through. Lord, help my unbelief.

the real deal, part 1

Sometimes i feel like i spend more time editing past blogs than writing new ones. Anyway...I realized something while at church today. It probably came in to my mind by something my roommate wrote on his blog not too long ago. I realized that the closer I grow with God, the more alive life feels. Everything is so much more real...life is in 3-D and it is full. Now I know that sounds positive, but the problem is that just as much as the joys are greater because of life feeling more "alive", so also the painful times feel more real and alive. When I just try to coast by in my life, and enter "escape mode" (by drowning all my attention and focus in movies, tv, etc.) I don't feel as much. When I don't feel as much, the pain isn't as severe. I know I am not being eloquent with my words and as such, I apologize. But I hope this is at least getting to the point. What am I trying to say? I guess as joys and pain increase along side of each other in my life, I continue to grow as well. I imagine that if I didn't feel so alone all this would be manageable and even viewed as a good thing. Pain and hurt and sorrow do not scare me. As a Christian, I expect it, and have learned how to redeem bad circumstances and situations. What scares me is having nobody to share my life with...having nobody to share my pain with. I am someone free of pretense, free of performance...someone who is just real. The reality of the situation is that I hurt. And growing with God now frightens me. Probably because making time for God also means time to myself. The closer i get to the Light of Jesus, the more apparent the realities of life become. It's not that which I see that presently frightens me, but the vast nothingness in my life, the fact that I don't see anything, that causes such trepidation in allowing myself to "live the abundant life." I have confidence and place my trust in the fact that God is an everpresent help and a comforter to His people. He does not leave us, nor forsake us. He is actively pursuing to carry out His great plan in every one of our lives. He is good, just, fair...He is simply beautiful in His holiness. I believe that and am thankful for that!

the troll, worthy, Christianity

*DELETED!!! I apparently made some hurtful remarks here, so I felt compelled to edit this blog. Since the comment was originally left on the blog, I will respond to it via my blog. The old entry that used to be here was meant as light-hearted and sarcastic as possible. I tried to blow things out of proportion in an attempt to get that across. However, it appears to have not been taken as lightly as I had hoped. I try to poke jabs at people in "good fun" without offending them, however, I do not always succeed in that. So when someone gets offended...more specifically...To the person who i offended: my bad. I apologize and will try to be more careful in the future. I ask for your forgiveness.

For some reason while i was away, I kept expecting to get more comments on my blog, though i hadn't written anything. A few points worthy of note while I was away: 1) Went to see Brian Regan in Hyannis. He's a terrific comedian, you should all check him out! He's great! 2) ...other minor things that you don't really care about reading, so I will spare you (yes this comment was "worthy of note."

http://www.whchurch.org/content/page_1.htm This is the website of Greg Boyd's church. Great stuff in here. I'd encourage you to go there and listen to his stuff, especially his sermon on 1/2/2005. Regardless, I will be sharing some of my thoughts surrounding certain issues in Christianity in my blogs to come. It may be provocative, thought provoking and maybe even invigorating. One thing it won't be is full of Christian clichés and platitudes. Hold on to your seats boys and girls, this will be funJ

not much for today

Soooo, one of my co-workers resigned today. Something tells me that she would have gotten fired if she didn't resign. That gives me a little more faith in my field. Even if it's just temporary, it does give me some hope. I'm happy with this news...very happy actually. It was funny. One of my friends who works there said it like this: "Talking to this person is like trying to nail an eel to a wall." The point being, you can't talk to someone like this, so it's best for them to just head on to other endeavors. Only other thing that happened today is that I went to an African children's choir in Gloucester with Melinda. No A/C in there and it was HOT!!! However, the show was entertaining and the kids were adoreable! And no, my future wife wasn't there...or if she was, then I wasn't introduced to her yet:)

I actually have a lot to write, but i will save it for later, as I need to catch up on some sleep. Through some research, I found out that I currently have 6 readers of my blog, and I most likely have more than that. Peace.

Comments

This is my second blog today, so read my previous one. Let's do a little test. I ask that anyone, yes anyone, who reads my blogs please leave a comment, any comment, to let me know if I should hire an agent to advertise for me:) Thanks!

P.S. What do we think of John Roberts? (I shouldn't have to explain this, but for those who don't know, he is the man that Bush nominated for Supreme Court)

Totally random stuff

So much to say, so little interest in saying it...

So get this: a guy is driving to work and he sees a police car parked at a local restaurant. Naturally, he decides to steal the police car and continue driving to work (it gets better). On the way to work, he sees a pedestrian on the side of the road flagging down the police car. Being the good (and stupid) citizen that he is, he stops to help the fellow out. At the point the individual who was flagging down the cop car noticed that the thief wasn't really a cop, the real police were instantly called. Bail is set for $350,000. Yikes!

Please tell me that you know of or have at least heard of two out of three of the following:
Kelo v. New London
Karl Rove
Guantanamo Bay

Jerry Thomas, the man who invented the Swanson tv dinner has died at age 83. 8.4 billion swanson tv dinners have been sold. hmm...interesting.

On a personal note...I have another wedding to go to in September and it's in North Carolina. Oh boy. I don't like going to these things by myself, especially so far away, but it will be worth it. It was my best friend in high school and he is a good guy. I'm happy for him. Maybe one of these days, it will be me...

Check back tomorrow.

boyd article

Instead of trying to write a bunch of thoughts on this subject, I will give you a link that every one of you should read! It's an article by Greg Boyd in response to the Sept. 11th attacks. He states many great truths in the article that expound on God's "role" in atrocities. I wholeheartedly agree with him. Some good stuff in there, so instead of reading my blog today, read the article please...Thanks:)

http://www.gregboyd.org/gbfront/index.asp?PageID=705

another useless blog

I made a mini-promise to myself that I would not talk about my job anymore after my last blog entry...or at least keep my comments at a minimal. So I will do that. I actually almost got in trouble last week for not telling co-workers that they should wear a seatbelt while driving. Absolutely unbelievable! I'm speechless...almost. The argument is that since I am the safety coordinator and wearing a seatbelt is NOT common sense...(yes, according to the boss of my manager, it is NOT common sense to wear a seat belt) then perhaps I was slightly to blame that one of my co-workers did not tell the client that she was driving to wear a seatbelt during a recent auto accident. I know that sentence has poor structure, but I hope you got the point. By the way, I live in Massachusettes. In this state, it is the law to wear a seatbelt. Must I, as the safety coordinator, explain every law that this state has? Must I explain every possible safety hazard, regardless of how ridiculously obvious it is? Hey, don't put your finger in a blender when it is use! Don't put your hand in the toaster! Where would I draw the line of what is common sense and what is not with these kind of people? OK...that was much longer than expected.

I am actually in a great mood. I had a good day at work and got tons of work done! I was also able to eat a lot of calories too! Yes I know you all hate me, but I am trying to actually GAIN weight, so i am trying to eat 3100 calories a day. And it is very difficult for me! Tomorrow, I am hoping to get onto a more purposeful topic, but for now I feel like talking about ME.

One last thing. I hung out with Melinda yesterday. I had tons of fun. She's a great girl! I think I am amazed at how easy it is for her to "consider others higher than herself" and put others first. She also told me that some of our friends think highly of me. It's funny how I can be so encouraged to know that I am thought highly of by close friends. It's not that I even try to impress people, but I have been rejected by girls many many times. When people that are close tell me that they think highly of me, it is encouraging! I also heard, through the grapevine, that a bunch of my friends in college (the girls) would often wonder who I would marry, thinking that the girl that I marry will be someone very special (implying perhaps that I am quite special myself:)). When I find myself alone, thoughts like that can help give me hope.

MY JOB

OK. First of all, I need a new job. I don’t know if I have had two seconds to breathe during the past three months, and yet my coworkers (making the same as I, mind you) are sitting down watching tv or making up things to do so that they give the illusion of being busy. I am actually more insulted that they think they can fool me by false hustle than if they just admitted to me that they just bombed on the shift and didn’t do anything. Don’t insult me by thinking you can fool me. I am smarter than that! It’s the acknowledgement that I would like. [Note to my fellow staff: I’m not delusional and I do not work well with fellow employees who are. Stop thinking…you know what? I’ll stop my sentence there. I was going to say stop thinking you have “sooo” much work you do. Stop thinking you can fool me. But I can’t say “stop thinking.” If, by the grace of God, you could start thinking…even the slightest bit…even if it’s to come up with a better lie as to why you aren’t working, kudos! I’d appreciate it.] I cannot even begin to wrap my head around how some people in my field think. From management on down, they don’t make sense. I don’t know if they even try to. I would love to get into tons of specifics, but I cannot for I would be here all day…I wish I were kidding! Management does not develop the weaker workers, and instead they actually pander to them and make their life easier. Management will appease the stronger workers by letting them complain, but nothing ever happens in the long run to get the problems solved. Whether the weaker workers endanger clients (this happens many times in many different forms by both of our stellar girl workers) or they just can’t seem to do the job well…NOTHING happens. Steal hours? No problem. Steal money? Oh well, next time take more! Can’t work today? That’s OK, I have two workers that will do your work for you anyway! I’m open to criticism, but it’s at the point where if the management says something to me after they let all this other stuff go with these other workers, I may lose it. One person I work with has so little judgment that she has actually become a liability in the house and to the program. She shouldn’t be there. The other girl can do a little, but she is about as honest as a long nosed Pinocchio. She is deceitful down to her very core. I don’t like to talk about people this way, but in fact, I am understating my point. Half the people I work with should be either institutionalized or at the very least be put up for consideration for the next open room in the house. In case you didn’t know, I work at a mental health group home. I’m not a big shot, but if myself and the other guy who works there quit, then the management would have to double each of the time to just get by. Maybe it’s not managements fault, maybe these other workers cannot be developed, but if not, then why the heck do they still have a job?! Hire some Mexican guy. He may not speak English, and he may not know what he’s doing, but he’ll give you his best effort. In my field, you cannot give merit wages because then if other workers find out about one person getting a raise they’ll wonder and complain about why they didn’t get one. I say, GOOD! Maybe then we’ll get into some useful discussions around how lazy and/or inept you are! Phew, not that I didn’t mean what I said, but that was not very nice, so I apologize. I don’t feel bad enough to go back and delete this paragraph, but enough to write these last couple of sentences.

One last thing. What I have mentioned are staff problems. Keep in mind that I work at a mental health group home with people who have psychotic problems. I was yelled at three times in the past two days, people saying I am a hateful human being. I am full of hate. I don’t do anything to help them. I just care about making their life miserable (yeah, I have nothing better to do with my life than have verbal battles with mentally ill clients, get verbally assaulted and abused by them, and my hands are tied as to what I can say back). I just work there for the money (HAHAHA, yeah right!). I am sure if you read the above paragraph, you may tend to agree with these clients about my level of compassion and love. It was not necessarily evidenced in how I talked about my fellow employees. However, anyone who knows me would vouch that I am a warm, gentle, compassionate and caring person. I know some of these people are delusional, so I should expect it right? Well, the difficulty is that some of the staff doesn’t work on treatment with the clients, and instead they leave that “hard stuff” to the “guys” and just buddy up to the clients. So Matt or ______ is the bad guy. I don’t think I generally care what most people think of me. However, it gets tiring. Now, someone could say, “Matt find another job. After all, you seemingly have these skills and ability to do so much more.” Thanks for the compliment…and I agree. However, I cannot seem to find that something else.

...this is my life

Boy, I’ve been doing great keeping up with this thing…yeah…so, I realize that my entries would be much more stimulating if I just gave my thoughts about certain issues and stayed away from a running diary of my life. But, I’m not going to do that for now, so deal with it!J If you want to read an amusing, intriguing and/or thought provoking blog then click on this link:

http://seethed.blogspot.com/

Has anyone ever gotten frustrated by feeling like their life just isn’t going anywhere? I realized that tonight about my life. Relationally, I don’t see any promising people coming into my life in the near future, and I don’t seem to be really connecting with the friends I have now. I don’t know if I am supposed to be going to seminary, quit my low paying job in a field where everyone is either incompetent or a lying deceitful person, or find some other vocation where I may find my “calling.” Nothing is really happening and my life is just in a rut. I may start going to another church fairly soon. It’s tough to be in a church where my needs aren’t being met and I am having difficulty finding where I can be of help. There is a new church that will be starting soon in this area, and that is kind of exciting I guess. Speaking of church, I have something to say about Christians…I don’t know how to say this, so I will just make it short. …nope, sorry. I change my mind. I don’t think you are ready to read that yet. Maybe in due time my young padawan.

So…I realize I have said nothing during this entire entry, and perhaps that’s ok. Maybe I just want to get something…anything back on here so that I will be motivated to write once again and be able to express myself…even if it’s only to my computer. I guess I am overwhelmed. I have so much going on in my mind and seemingly nothing actually happening in my life. So I am left not knowing where to start or even what to write.